Soapy Mouth

I have unknowingly propelled my 9 month old daughter on a path to a childhood of soapy mouth. I know what you are thinking, “But Brandon, you are such an attractive, intelligent, amazing guy. I can’t ever see curse words spilling from your mouth, much less while in front of your daughter”. That is sweet of you. I am pleased to know you think so highly of me! And, while you are slightly over exaggerating (only slightly) on the attractive, intelligent, and amazing part you are correct that I normally keep a good lock down on my words and especially while in front of my baby girl. I still have tons of work to do when it comes to words like crap, butt, retarded, gay, and balls. In fact I have a really bad habit of saying “Eff” where most people would throw out a curse word that starts with F. These are words that must go and will go, but I am already good when it comes to the actual socially accepted curse words.

So, if I don’t use the big bad words and am assuring you I will knock out my little, naughty words before Mckinley can speak then why do I say I am sure that she will one day have her teeth digging into a bar of Irish Springs? My music, that’s why. Recently Katherine and I were driving to Atlanta and she suddenly told me that there was no way I would ever be able to listen to my ipod around Mckinley as she got older. I was surprised and asked her why she felt that way and she simply told me to listen to the lyrics of the song that was playing and then picture Mckinley at 3 years old walking through a store singing these lyrics.

She was right! These lyrics while funny to me and actually often ignored as background noise will certainly seep into the mind of my daughter and out of her precious little lips. I was on a mission after this point to find as many of the lyrics that would be hilarious and yet awful coming out of my child’s mouth. Note, that I do not listen to rap, hard rock, or even the Boys II Men song, “I’ll Make Love to You” but I still have some pretty interesting lyrics for her to repeat. Most of these lyrics aren’t filled with curse words, but you must picture the words coming out of the mouth of this little girl.

Some of these lyrics might not require her to have soap in her mouth due to bad words, but because everyone will think she is a child from a scary movie if she sings them.

“Everybody wants to be naked and famous, everybody wants to be just like me, I’m naked and famous” Presidents of the USA

“Slittin' my throat it's all I ever had” Red Hot Chili Peppers

“And it was fun fun fun, When we were drinking, It was fun fun fun, When we were drunk, And it was fun fun fun, When we were laughing
It was fun fun fun, Oh it was fun” Noah and the Whale

“Give me my money back, give me my money back, you b****”

“GIVE ME MY MONEY, B****”

“36-24-36, I want lots of pretty chicks, 36-24-36” Violent Femmes

“Excuse me please, one more drink, Could you make it strong, Cause I don't need to think” DMB

“I’ve seen your sister naked, ain’t nothing I tried to see………ribs and whiskey making my mind feel tight, whiskey making my body feel hot” Widespread Panic

“Gonna take this sack of puppies. Gonna set it out to freeze. Gonna climb around on all fours 'til all the blood falls out my knees.” Modest Mouse

“Said I want to spread the news, that if it feels this good getting used, you just keeping on using me, until you use me up” Bill Withers

“Ooooh, I need a dirty woman. Ooooh, I need a dirty girl.” Pink Floyd

"I love killing puppies by way of frost bite”

“Jesus don’t want me for a sunbeam, sunbeams are never made like me” Nirvana

“So turn off the lights and close the doors, but what We don’t love the ho’s yeah, So we gonna smoke an ounce today, G’s up ho’s down while you mother f***ers bounce to this” The Gourds performing a Snoop Dogg song

“I may be going to hell in a bucket, babe But at least I'm enjoying the ride, at least I'll enjoy the ride.” Grateful Dead

“Gravedigger, When you dig my grave, Could you make it shallow, So that I can feel the rain” DMB

“Drivers are rude, Such attitudes, But when I show my piece, Complaints cease, Something's odd, I feel like I'm god, You stupid dumbs*** god**** motherf*****!” Offspring

“Jesus don’t want me for a sunbeam”

And the number one lyrics on my ipod that I just simply cannot allow Mckinley to grow up singing are the following lyrics by the Violent Femmes.

“I led her to a hole, a deep black well.
I said "make a wish, make sure and not tell and
close you're eyes dear, and count to seven.
You know your papa loves you, good children go to heaven.
You know your papa loves you, good children go to heaven.
I gave her a push, I gave her a shove.
I pushed with all my might, I pushed with all my love.
I threw my child into a bottomless pit.
She screaming as she fell, but I never heard her hit.
She screaming as she fell, but I never heard her hit.”

So, I am planning to make a playlist of music that is appropriate for my sweet child. I imagine it will mostly be made up of:

• Praise and Worship, but even then you have to be careful because out of context some Christian songs are pretty inappropriate
• Musicals such as The Sound of Music or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory yet excluding musicals like Sweeney Todd or even Grease
• Beatles music pre-drugs
• Alvin and the Chipmunks, pre-Chipettes singing Beyonce’s “Put A Ring On It”
• And surprisingly Phish since I have no problem with her singing about things as innocent as “the tires are the things on your car that make contact with the road” or “you’ve got to run like an antelope out of control”.

These are the things one does not think about when they decide to have a baby. You think about what sports your son will play, what school you will send them to, if you will let your daughter date in high school or not. You don’t think about what your favorite musicians are singing about and how you will have to listen to them while in hiding like a crack head, you don’t think about how one day your children are going to ask what movie you and mommy are going to see on a date night and “Hot Tub Time Machine” might not be something you want your daughter to know about, you don’t think about how your TV has pay per view options listed like “Dirty Dumpster Girls 34” and “MILFS Do It Best 16”.

So, if you are not yet a parent and you ever think about becoming one. You may want to check your ipod and make sure it doesn’t have anything on it like

“The last time that I saw you, August of '99,
I should've had my hammer and a few rusty spikes
to nail you on a wall and use bottles to catch your blood
and display you for the neighbors so they know your time had come.
And I'd drink your blood and feel it dripping down my throat
as it heads for my heart.
And as your body sags and the stench rises in vain,
the people on the street are collecting in dismay.
Before your eyes your head lifts towards the sky
and that's the last thing they'll remember of you.” – Saves the Day