Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Widespread Panic, Sadly Not About the Band

“It really is a love affair, your relationship with your kids. It’s powerful and frustrating because there is no real consummation. No finish line. The closest you get are the moments when you can share in your child’s triumphs – as when watching them in the field of play – though even those successes are tinted with sadness because every accomplishment only pulls them further away from you, toward an adulthood all their own.” Chuck Hogan

Panic. We all occasionally panic. Every single one of us. No exceptions. Well, except those of you who are better than the rest of us. And I hope people like that don’t read my blog, because being judged is about as fun as having a root canal performed on you by a dentist with Parkinson’s. Okay, that was a cruel joke….but it got the point across. If you don’t panic then please immediately stop reading my blog and go back to what you normally do with your time. Like feeding the homeless or carefully removing ducks from discarded Coca Cola 6 pack rings.

Anyways. Recently my wife and I found out we were having a baby boy and panic immediately ensued, at least for me. I was comfortable having our first girl, and I would have been comfortable having another. With a girl I basically just have to love her in a way that lets her understand how God loves her and how she should desire to be loved by another man in the future. Sure, there is the whole teen pregnancy thing that most men freak out about….but I figured I’ve got at least 13 years until that is even possible and if I do a good job with the whole love thing then maybe it won’t be an issue. But with a boy. Well, let’s just say I had a major onset of panic. But, that is a story for another today.

With our baby girl we did eventually panic. We didn’t panic when we found out we were pregnant. We didn’t panic when she found out she would be a girl. I wouldn’t even say we panicked when she came 3 months early. But, eventually we realized that this little baby was going to one day turn into a girl, and that girl would one day turn into a woman. And that girl would behave in a similar manner that my wife and I do. My wife and I are not exactly overly impressed with ourselves so this was a disappointing discovery.

We thought about allowing a family who we were impressed with to raise our children. Families with the last names Harrison and Cash were discussed as possible Godparents….but without the whole us dying part. But, then we remembered that even though we didn’t feel up to the task of parenting that we did in fact love our baby and weren’t overly fond of giving her up. (at this point my wife would like me to remind everyone that my blog is meant to be an exaggeration of real life, obviously we do kind of like ourselves and love the idea of raising our daughter)

We thought about trying to do “community living” with a few close friends so our daughter could glean some useful skills and habits from other adults. But then we realized that that is way too many people having to use the restroom in one house. Oh yeah, and we realized that it would be crazy. Not fun crazy, but insane crazy.

So, with the realization that we were all our daughter had we came to the conclusion that we had to plan and change how we behaved. Hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours (probably still not enough hours for my talkative wife, but more than enough hours for me) of conversation took place about who we wanted our daughter to become and what we needed to change about ourselves to help her get to said destination.

One thing we decided was that one of our main goals with our daughter was that we would remain cognizant of the fact that we were raising her to one day be her own adult person. Not just our child but an adult who could and should function outside of us. WHATEVER that meant as long as she was pursuing God we had to be okay with. We did not want to have too many goals for what God had in store for adulthood. Our plan could not get in the way of who God was calling her to be and where God was calling her to. If God called her to pass on college, move to Zaire, be a missionary who helps fend off rabid tigers, and never fly home to let us see our grandkids then we HAVE to be okay with that. Our desires could not get in the way of His desires for her.

And then our daughter became part of the family, she became not just a baby who I loved, but my daughter who I LOVED. She won my heart and continues to win it day after day. I came to know her heart. Yes I know she is only two but I assure you I know her heart and it is unbelievably kind, filled with empathy for others, incredibly sweet natured, and loving.

Sometimes when I look at her my heart breaks from missing her even though she is right in front of me! I realized how simple our goal was to say and how difficult it was going to be to live out. More than anything though I realized that my wife and I need to really focus on putting away more money in savings. I mean, plane tickets to Zaire have got to be pretty pricy!