Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Husband Nos Fashion

I'm a man that enjoys timeless things. Trends are not my bag. It often means I am not cool enough to hang out with the "in" crowd. I don't listen to the right bands, I don't read the right books, I don't use the right slang, I don't shake hands the right way, I don't do my hair the right way, etc, etc, etc.

Currently others are big into Lady Gaga, I am still big into The Rolling Stones. Others are big into skinny jeans, I still wear my loose fit jeans. Others are big into the X Games, I like the slow pace of baseball. Others are big into the Twilight books, I could read To Kill A Mockingbird over and over for the rest of my life. Others wear an emo haircut (the male Kate Gosselin do), I have the same haircut I had when I was 4.

Being into timeless things has it's drawbacks. In high school I could never land the girls I liked. If I ever hung out with high school kids they would think I was a grandpa even though I am only 10 years older than them. My legs don't look wonderfully skinny like those who shop for their pants in the girls department. When I picture a vampire I still picture a cape, not sparkles. Lady Gaga has over 1 billion views on Youtube of all of her videos combined, I just heard my first Lady Gaga song a few months ago...and I was scared.

So, yes not following trends sometimes make me seem like a hermit. But, it also has some wonderful advantages. Namely, photographic evidence of my past. When one follows trends they are inevitably dressing or acting in a way that is different than the historical norm. This is fine.What is not fine is that trends are ALWAYS changing. So, as the trend changes you have to change with it or else you are now going against the historical norm in a lonely and bad way.

Example: Hair in the 80's.


Now, I bet circa 1982 this girl was HAWT. Her hair was screaming, "I AM POPULAR AND TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT IS COOL. ALL GIRLS WISH THEY WERE ME". I am sure that as soon as big hair lost it's cool, this girl quickly changed her hair style. Had man not invented photography, all would be fine. Unfortunately, someone took a picture of her hair and it is now floating around the internet over 25 years later.

Photography is the number one reason you should not follow trends. I may not be super cool today, but I also don't have hundreds of pictures showing me look super uncool throughout my entire life. It doesn't matter how cool big hair was in the 80's, when you see the picture you see the horribleness of the trend not the coolness. My gray tennis shoes, blue jeans, and black polo might look boring today, but at least in 20 years when I see a photo of myself today I will still only look boring and not like an idiot.

So, why is the title of this post "Husband Nos Fashion"? While many women dream of a husband that knows fashion, I think my wife is happy to have a husband that nos fashion. Katherine will occasionally come to me and ask if she should get a particular article of clothing, and I will simply say, "No".

Okay, that isn't entirely true. The truth is Katherine will occasionally come to me and ask if she should get a particular article of clothing, and I will go into a long diatribe of why said article of clothing is the bane of my existence and how it will inevitably lead to the end of mankind.

After my long, heated lecture on the subject Katherine will often agree and put on her jeans and striped tshirt, throw her hair in a pony tail and look super sexy. If you look at my wife 4 1/2 years ago when we got married there will be no giggles. You will be overcome a desire to know her, because she is beautiful, cute, innocent, and best of all, classic. At least that's what happens when I look at her. Even if all that doesn't happen to you, you will surely notice that she looks pretty similar today to what she looked like 4 1/2 years ago. This is because her husband nos fashion.

A few items that have not made the cut in our household.

GAUCHOS

These were incredibly popular a few years ago and looking back they were some of the worst designed pants ever made. I’m not even sure why girls liked them in the first place. They are always complaining about their thighs, yet they suddenly want to wear pants that are tight on their thighs and huge everywhere else? Makes you look like a lumpy pirate.

BANGS

I often make the argument that straight bangs make a girl look like a Yorkshire puppy. I realize that this argument makes no sense, but it feels right in my heart. Instead of sticking to that argument I will instead showing you two different pictures of the same girl. One with bangs, the other without. One she looks like she is wearing a bad wig, the other she looks like she could be a super model or something.

UGG BOOTS

Granted, Kat does have a pair of these that she wore when we went to Montana and Washington. That’s fine, we all look like goobers when it’s cold. But, when they become a problem is when you wear them with shorts or skirts. Clearly, according to these girls clothes the weather is warm but for some reason they have winter boots on. Not only do these ladies look strange, but I bet their feet smell rather strange when they take the boots off. Cowboy boots with skirts/shorts fall in a similar vein. Either you are ready for a rodeo or you are not. If wearing something makes your mini skirt look even easier, maybe you should pass.

As for me, I will continue my fight for classic, timeless things. All I ask from you is that when that next cool thing comes along just imagine your 65 year old self looking back at a photo of it and then make your decision.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Soapy Mouth

I have unknowingly propelled my 9 month old daughter on a path to a childhood of soapy mouth. I know what you are thinking, “But Brandon, you are such an attractive, intelligent, amazing guy. I can’t ever see curse words spilling from your mouth, much less while in front of your daughter”. That is sweet of you. I am pleased to know you think so highly of me! And, while you are slightly over exaggerating (only slightly) on the attractive, intelligent, and amazing part you are correct that I normally keep a good lock down on my words and especially while in front of my baby girl. I still have tons of work to do when it comes to words like crap, butt, retarded, gay, and balls. In fact I have a really bad habit of saying “Eff” where most people would throw out a curse word that starts with F. These are words that must go and will go, but I am already good when it comes to the actual socially accepted curse words.

So, if I don’t use the big bad words and am assuring you I will knock out my little, naughty words before Mckinley can speak then why do I say I am sure that she will one day have her teeth digging into a bar of Irish Springs? My music, that’s why. Recently Katherine and I were driving to Atlanta and she suddenly told me that there was no way I would ever be able to listen to my ipod around Mckinley as she got older. I was surprised and asked her why she felt that way and she simply told me to listen to the lyrics of the song that was playing and then picture Mckinley at 3 years old walking through a store singing these lyrics.

She was right! These lyrics while funny to me and actually often ignored as background noise will certainly seep into the mind of my daughter and out of her precious little lips. I was on a mission after this point to find as many of the lyrics that would be hilarious and yet awful coming out of my child’s mouth. Note, that I do not listen to rap, hard rock, or even the Boys II Men song, “I’ll Make Love to You” but I still have some pretty interesting lyrics for her to repeat. Most of these lyrics aren’t filled with curse words, but you must picture the words coming out of the mouth of this little girl.

DSCN4875

Some of these lyrics might not require her to have soap in her mouth due to bad words, but because everyone will think she is a child from a scary movie if she sings them.

“Everybody wants to be naked and famous, everybody wants to be just like me, I’m naked and famous” Presidents of the USA

“Slittin' my throat it's all I ever had” Red Hot Chili Peppers

“And it was fun fun fun, When we were drinking, It was fun fun fun, When we were drunk, And it was fun fun fun, When we were laughing
It was fun fun fun, Oh it was fun” Noah and the Whale

“Give me my money back, give me my money back, you b****”

DSCN4882“GIVE ME MY MONEY, B****”

“36-24-36, I want lots of pretty chicks, 36-24-36” Violent Femmes

“Excuse me please, one more drink, Could you make it strong, Cause I don't need to think” DMB

“I’ve seen your sister naked, ain’t nothing I tried to see………ribs and whiskey making my mind feel tight, whiskey making my body feel hot” Widespread Panic

“Gonna take this sack of puppies. Gonna set it out to freeze. Gonna climb around on all fours 'til all the blood falls out my knees.” Modest Mouse

“Said I want to spread the news, that if it feels this good getting used, you just keeping on using me, until you use me up” Bill Withers

“Ooooh, I need a dirty woman. Ooooh, I need a dirty girl.” Pink Floyd

DSCN4364"I love killing puppies by way of frost bite”

“Jesus don’t want me for a sunbeam, sunbeams are never made like me” Nirvana

“So turn off the lights and close the doors, but what We don’t love the ho’s yeah, So we gonna smoke an ounce today, G’s up ho’s down while you mother f***ers bounce to this” The Gourds performing a Snoop Dogg song

“I may be going to hell in a bucket, babe But at least I'm enjoying the ride, at least I'll enjoy the ride.” Grateful Dead

“Gravedigger, When you dig my grave, Could you make it shallow, So that I can feel the rain” DMB

“Drivers are rude, Such attitudes, But when I show my piece, Complaints cease, Something's odd, I feel like I'm god, You stupid dumbs*** god**** motherf*****!” Offspring

DSCN4377 “Jesus don’t want me for a sunbeam”

And the number one lyrics on my ipod that I just simply cannot allow Mckinley to grow up singing are the following lyrics by the Violent Femmes.

“I led her to a hole, a deep black well.
I said "make a wish, make sure and not tell and
close you're eyes dear, and count to seven.
You know your papa loves you, good children go to heaven.
You know your papa loves you, good children go to heaven.
I gave her a push, I gave her a shove.
I pushed with all my might, I pushed with all my love.
I threw my child into a bottomless pit.
She screaming as she fell, but I never heard her hit.
She screaming as she fell, but I never heard her hit.”

So, I am planning to make a playlist of music that is appropriate for my sweet child. I imagine it will mostly be made up of:

  • Praise and Worship, but even then you have to be careful because out of context some Christian songs are pretty inappropriate
  • Musicals such as The Sound of Music or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory yet excluding musicals like Sweeney Todd or even Grease
  • Beatles music pre-drugs
  • Alvin and the Chipmunks, pre-Chipettes singing Beyonce’s “Put A Ring On It”
  • And surprisingly Phish since I have no problem with her singing about things as innocent as “the tires are the things on your car that make contact with the road” or “you’ve got to run like an antelope out of control”.

These are the things one does not think about when they decide to have a baby. You think about what sports your son will play, what school you will send them to, if you will let your daughter date in high school or not. You don’t think about what your favorite musicians are singing about and how you will have to listen to them while in hiding like a crack head, you don’t think about how one day your children are going to ask what movie you and mommy are going to see on a date night and “Hot Tub Time Machine” might not be something you want your daughter to know about, you don’t think about how your TV has pay per view options listed like “Dirty Dumpster Girls 34” and “MILFS Do It Best 16”.

So, if you are not yet a parent and you ever think about becoming one. You may want to check your ipod and make sure it doesn’t have anything on it like

“The last time that I saw you, August of '99,
I should've had my hammer and a few rusty spikes
to nail you on a wall and use bottles to catch your blood
and display you for the neighbors so they know your time had come.
And I'd drink your blood and feel it dripping down my throat
as it heads for my heart.
And as your body sags and the stench rises in vain,
the people on the street are collecting in dismay.
Before your eyes your head lifts towards the sky
and that's the last thing they'll remember of you.” – Saves the Day