Archie Andrews IS Zack Morris

Let me start this article with a question. Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night with some great idea and get very eager for morning to come so that you can better sort your thoughts? I am not an overly intelligent fellow so obviously I don’t wake up with a new form of math floating in my head or anything of that nature. I typically just wake up with an obscure song in my head like Vanilla Ice’s “Stop That Train” (note, not the ever popular Ice Ice Baby), so to wake up with an idea is an accomplishment for me. Well, I had one of those moments the other night and when I got up and logged onto my dial up AOL (okay, not really but wouldn’t that be awesome!) I discovered that some other person had already stolen my idea. I will not link you to his page because I am very eager for your approval and want to make it to easy for you to compare our two arguments and decide that his argument was better.

What is this genius (I was just told by spell check that I had misspelled genius and I changed it, so you should know that this blog is headed nowhere good) argument you ask? Saved By The Bell is simply an updated version of Archie Comics. Most ideas in media are recycled over and over again. I am convinced there are only 2 or 3 plots that all romantic comedies follow, and my wife is convinced all action movies are totally unbelievable and totally uncreative. “Failure To Launch” and “How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days” are basically the same movie. Most action movies are so similar I can’t even remember the plot to most of them. Jurassic Park 2 totally stole the whole dinosaur thing from Jurassic Park! We steal our ideas from all over the place, but nowhere is more random than Archie Comics. It’s just smart to steal from something obscure or old. When Coldplay stole the music for Viva La Vida they didn’t steal it from Michael Jackson or the even more popular Spice Girls, they stole it from some unknown dude named Joe Satriani. Smart. Now, onto my proof.

Archie Andrews IS Zack Morris

Zack is the 80’s/90’s version of Archie. They took Archie and added in a cool factor and subtracted out the ginger factor. Archie had a serious love triangle going with Veronica and Betty while Zack was more ambitious with a triangle of Kelly and “girls in general”. Archie was constantly in trouble with Mr Weatherbee while Zack was always undermining Mr. Belding. Both were somehow completely annoying yet amazing at the same time.

Jughead IS Screech

Jughead is Archie’s best friend, he is known by a nickname, he loves hamburgers, he wears a grey crown beanie that during one comic he loses and becomes less “Jughead” due to it, and he has very few distinguishable qualities other than that. Screech is Zack’s best friend, he is known by a nickname, he loves Lisa Turtle, in one episode he loses his red beret which makes him forget how to play chess, and he has very few distinguishable qualities other than that.

Reggie Mantle IS A.C. Slater

Reggie is somehow Archie’s worst enemy but also one of his best friends, is constantly in pursuit of Archie’s gal pal Veronica, is a jock, and has the character flaw of being conceited. Slater is somehow Zack’s worst enemy but also on of his best friends, is constantly in pursuit of Zack’s gal pal Kelly, is a jock, and has the character flaw of being misogynistic.

Betty Cooper IS Kelly Kapowski

Both are “All-American” girls, both are cheerleaders, both love the main character but occasionally date the enemy/friend character, and both used to make my heart beat a little faster. I may have grown out of my crush on Kelly, but that picture of Betty is still hot.

Mr Weatherbee IS Mr Belding

Pop Tate IS Max

Occasional love interest of Jughead’s Ethel IS occasional love interest of Screech’s Violet

You may have noticed a few main characters missing above. Saved By The Bell did venture out and have 3 main female characters instead of simply 2. All they really did was take Veronica Lodge and break her in to two separate characters.

Veronica Lodge IS Lisa Turtle/Jessie Spano

• Veronica attractive but not as attractive as Betty. Lisa and Jessie were pretty but not as pretty as Kelly.
• Veronica had the character flaw of being prideful of her money, Lisa had the character flaw of being materialistic, and Jessie had the character flaw of being awkwardly feminist and of getting addicted to caffeine pills.
• Veronica is one of the least liked characters from Archie comics, Jessie is one the least likeable characters on SBTB, and Lisa is one of the most forgettable characters on SBTB.

So, there is my argument. Dispute it if you must, but no one will dispute that Betty is one hot piece of cartoon booty.

Dear wife, If my attraction to a cartoon character in anyway offends you I completely apologize. On a completely unrelated note, we should totally go as Archie and Betty to Halloween this year. Love, Your Husband