Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Doritos Locos Taco: Or Why I Hate Zac Brown

It's time again that I critique lyrics to a song. Obviously everyone remembers my much publicized blog post on Escape. It was epic, Dear Abby called me and congratulated me on what it meant for modern relationships. James Dobson wrote me a note thanking me for saving marriages and families across the country. My friends boosted me on their shoulders and chanted Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. So I figured it was time to again lambaste an artist for writing inane lyrics. While I was about 30 years past the release date of Escape when I gave it a good ribbing, I am only about four years behind on this one.

In my blog post on Escape I basically took a few thousand words to say that finding out that someone likes walks on the beach, making love, and eating junk food is no reason to marry that person. Everyone likes these things. If you and I had a discussion and you were to find out that I like these all you would have discovered is that I also, much like you, am a human. That's it! Don't propose to me just because I like worldly pleasures!

Anyway.

Zac Brown has basically taken the formula that ol' Ruperts Holmes discovered back in the 70's and countrified it. Holmes discovered that if you can write a song that is essentially just a list of things all human beings like and set it to a fun little melody you have basically just invented the musical version of the Doritos Locos Taco. Everyone likes tacos and everyone likes Doritos....so if you simply mash the two together and advertise.....you are rich! Anyone who stops and thinks for a moment about the Doritos Locos Taco realizes that Taco Bell simply discovered that people like fattening foods, don't mind if you are unoriginal and simply combine different fattening foods together, and despite watching hours upon hours of Food Network don't really care if an Iron Chef doesn't prepare their food.

Zac Brown took the same basic idea that Rupert Holmes and Taco Bell played on and wrote these life changing lyrics.

"You know I like my chicken fried
A cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
And the radio up"

Time out. This guy likes the meat that is eaten the highest quantities in America, he likes beer and he likes it cold, he likes Friday nights, denim that doesn't bunch up in the crotch, and his radio loud. Notice he also subliminally gets you to turn your radio up when his song comes on! Pure genius. I dare you to not be singing along after the first four lines.

"Well, I was raised up
Beneath the shade of a Georgia pine
And that's home you know
Sweet tea, pecan pie and homemade wine
Where the peaches grow"

So this is the point in the song that Zac takes a moment to appeal to his base. Much like a politician has to occasionally step back from the broadened appeal and instead focus on the core constituency to make sure they are still on board, this is what he is doing here. "Hey all you people that typically listen to country music. I also was born in the south, like sweet tea, pecan pie, and peaches."  Notice that he mentions homemade wine, this is where he focuses in on the really hardcore base. Kind of like when a politician is forced to say something just wacky, like making a joke about Obama's birth certificate or calling a republican a racist. You just have to throw a bone every once in a while to the wack-a-doodles. No one with all of their teeth actually drink homemade wine. But...there are those few guys out there you gotta shout out to.

"And my house it's not much to talk about
But it's filled with love
That's grown in southern ground"

Alright, back to the broad approach. Anyone who would ever be caught dead listening to country music either grew up in a modest home or currently lives in one. People in the Hamptons or Orange Beach might not relate to these lyrics, but they aren't listening anyway. One more quick appeal to the base with the "southern ground" lyrics and you are on your way.

"Well, I've seen the sunrise
See the love in my woman's eyes
Feel the touch of a precious child
And I know a mother's love
It's funny how it's the little things in life
That mean the most
Not where you live or what you drive
Or the price tag on your clothes
There's no dollar sign on a piece of mind
This I've come to know
So if you agree, have a drink with me
Raise your glasses for a toast"

I've also seen the sunrise! I've also been in love! I've also held a child! I also have a mother! The small things in life also matter to me! Ooo, drinking alcohol again! Yaa hoo for liver disease!

"I thank God for my life
And for the stars and stripes
May freedom forever fly
Let it ring
Salute the ones who died
The ones that give their lives
So we don't have to sacrifice
All the things we love"

Woo hoo God! Woo hoo American flag! Woo hoo freedom! Woo hoo ...... Liberty Bell....? Solemn thanks to any soldiers who lost their lives. Woo hoo things we love in general!

And then we hear the chorus two more times and we are out.

There is literally no way you can live in America and make less than $250,000 a year and not have sung along to this song at least once. 

So in closing I will just sum up with one statement. 

Zac Brown IS our generations musical Doritos Locos Taco. Both appeal to everyone, make no one better, and might cause rectal bleeding.