Man Soap

Typically men are not very picky when it comes to what soap they use. Until I got married I would use the shampoo lather off of my head to bathe with for about 65% of my showers. 25% of the time I would a cheap bar of soap, and the other 10% I would just trust the purity of the water to cleanse my man sweat off. Something about sharing a bed with a fresher smelling, softer skinned, less hairy, less awkward looking version of man quickly changed my shower habits. It might have been because she inspired me to be a better man, but most likely it had more to do with the hopes of sexy time. All of this to say, men don't really care. As long as we smell less like butt after the shower than we did before than we are relatively pleased with our shower experience.

Apparently Old Spice, Axe, and Dove are aiming to change that. From my memory there was little competition in the man soap department until Axe came out with their uber sexified version of soap commercials. Suddenly every boy between the ages of 13-30 noticed that the man's body needs a different product to clean away the dirt and grime that men collect on their bodies throughout the day. It took a few years, but on Super Bowl 2010 night, Dove and Old Spice jumped into the game harder than ever before. They had the product before, but they had not put this kind of effort behind advertising.

All three companies have a "man scrubber".

The Axe Detailer. Because apparently a man's body will look like a washed and waxed Maserati if it is just washed extra hard.



The Old Spice Deck Scrubber to remove, "Dirt, Odor, and Barnacles". Okay, men are gross but if you ever have something that can be referred to as a barnacle on your body please go to a doctor, not to the soap aisle.



Then we have the Dove Men+Care Active Clean Shower Tool which is the wordiest name for a cleaning product I have ever heard but at least it isn't cheesy.



I actually own one of the Axe Detailers so I shouldn't make too much fun since I clearly fell prey to the ads but I am going to make fun despite that. Let's be honest with our selves though, these scrubbers are simply the less gay cousin of a loofah. The fact that they threw a scrubber on the back of the loofah seems a lot like a guy in high school who is in every drama production, but always plays the bad guy. Less gay than some, but still gay.

Not only does the scrubber side simply make it a glorified loofah, it also makes it a really painful version of the loofah. As much as the commercials try and convince us, men do not have knee caps made of similar quality to a car hood, we don't have elbows as hard and sharp as the deck of a boat, and we don't have footballs and chainsaws falling out of our armpits. When you take rough fabric and rub it across your body it hurts. My knees may be a lot less sexy than my wife's knees, but when you really get down to it they are the same dang things. Not only does the scrubber hurt but the piece of plastic that attaches the scrubber and the loofah is just a safety hazard. If you get moving too quickly in the shower because you are rushing to see the Top 10 on Sportscenter and you know it is coming on any minute and that piece of plastic accidentally rubs your skin you will be down for the count. I have had scrapes and bruises on my feet and legs for days a time thanks to trying to have a 60 second shower while using this thing.

In conclusion, I am a hypocrite. I was tricked by the commercials and felt that as a man I needed one of these magical man sponges. I will most likely buy one again mainly because I hate walking up to the store counter with a pink loofah in hand. I can't stand this product, but this one perfectly hilarious commercial makes me happy for their existence. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owGykVbfgUE"

Sno-hut

Picture this.

You are a seven year old boy. You just walked out of Toys R Us. You bought a GI Joe doll, scratch that, toy, scratch that, figurine, scratch that, action figure, scratch that, GI JOES ARE AWESOME AND YOU BETTER JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT! You got said GI Joe by collecting stickers on a chart each morning when you did not sneak into your parents bed in the middle of the night out of fear.

Awesome.

Black lycra bike shorts. Yellow OP shirt 2 sizes too big. Georgia. August. Sun. Thirsty. Sweat pouring down back into lycra bike shorts where it will never escape.

Not awesome.

This is when the "not awesome" ends and does not show back up in this story. Your mom glances at you and notices that you are sweating away to nothing in front of her eyes. Her eyes quickly shift to a snow cone hut across the parking lot. YES!!!! Your sweet, perfect, wonderful, glorious, angelic mother asks if you would like a snow cone and mysteriously you are suddenly standing in front of the snow cone hut not remembering the walk over or how you got there. You can't see over the snow cone hut counter, but there is no need to worry. Remember I already told you that "not awesome" would not reappear in this story. The reason there is no need to worry is because as a seven year old boy there is only one flavor. Girls might order Pink Bubble Gum, Cotton Candy, Hawaiian, or Wild Strawberry. Your mom might order Pina Coloda or Bahamma Mama and fantasize of being at a Beaches Resort. But for you, the seven year old boy holding a GI Joe that probably comes to life at night and kills Cobra action figures, there is only one flavor possible.

TIGER'S BLOOD!

When you are seven and of the male persuasion it does not matter that the Tiger's Blood flavor is simply watermelon, strawberry, and coconut mixed together. In your mind this is surely what real tiger's blood taste like in the wild. As you hold the styrofoam cup and pick away at the ice with a cheap malleable plastic spoon you imagine that you are a wild african tribesman picking the meat off the ribs and sucking the marrow out of the bones of a tiger. A tiger that tastes like watermelon, strawberry, and coconut. When you are finished your teeth are the color of real tiger's blood, if tigers bled a neon reddish pink color. Your mom steals away all the manhood you have earned in the last 10 minutes by cleaning your face with a saliva covered finger. It doesn't matter though, all is still awesome, because there is no school, you have a new toy, and you just drank the strength of an african predator!

In a world where



+



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all is awesome.

Many years later you will learn that tigers do not reside in Africa and if you ever wanted to drink the blood of a real tiger you would have to go to Asia which is actually not awesome. This means that tigers and lions never have fights where zebras and giraffes stand by and bet money on who will win. Even more not awesome.

Jimmy Buffett

Last week I was lucky enough to attend a Jimmy Buffett concert in Atlanta with my brother. Jimmy has long been on my list of musicians I wanted to see live. This show had a whole myriad of pros and cons. Allow me to illustrate.

PROS
1. Blake and I attended The Varsity before hand. The Frosted Orange gave me a sugar high that lasted well into Buffett's second set.
2. My parents were at the show in their rather large motor home which provided fun and escape from the weather.
3. A man driving a motorized lounger around with Margarita blenders attached. What innovation!
4. Super close seats for a show of this caliber. What a view of Buffett and his band.
5. Zac Brown showed up and helped rock "A Pirate Looks At Forty" and "Margaritaville". His musicianship was great.
6. Jimmy played great songs like "Pencil Thin Mustache", "School Boy Heart", and "Lovely Cruise"
7. Jimmy Buffett seemed to have a great time with Zac Brown and passed the "tiki torch" (his words, not mine) to him.
8. Jimmy Buffett seemed so thankful for his fans and all they have done for him.



CONS
1. Blake and I attended The Varsity before hand. The cheeseburger and onion rings gave me "mud butt" well into the second set......of his show two nights later in St. Louis.
2. My parents were at the show in their rather large motor home which provided fun and but we had to use it for escape from the horrible weather.
3. A man driving a motorized lounger around with Margarita blenders attached. What a waste of time and money!
4. Super close seats for a show of this caliber. What a view of all the gray hair surrounding me since only adults can afford these tickets!
5. Zac Brown showed up and took up valuable setlist time with his own song, "Where The Boats Leave From". His personality was boring.
6. Jimmy played boring songs like "Creola" (sung by a backup singer) and "Back Where I Come From" sung by his guitar player.
7. Jimmy Buffett passed the "tiki torch" (his words, not mine) to ZAC BROWN!
8. Jimmy Buffett seemed too thankful to his fans and all they have done for him. Almost acted like he would be retiring soon.

So, those were my pros and cons. Many things about Buffett always seem like both a pro and a con. Volcano is both one of my favorite songs from my childhood and one of the songs that seem to cheesy to exist as an adult. Much of his success can be accredited to his business savy, while much of his "cool" is discredited by his business savy. His odd since of humour (I want to be British, so get over my spelling) has allowed him to write lyrics as beautiful as "Love in the library, quiet and cool. Love in the library, there are no rules. Surrounded by stories surreal and sublime. I feel in love in the library once upon a time" and as embarrassing as, "Math sucks, math sucks, math sucks, math sucks. I'd like to burn this textbook. I hate this stuff so much. Math sucks, math sucks, math sucks, math sucks. Sometimes I don't think I know that much, but math sucks.".

Buffett in many ways is a hero of mine. I love his desire to make life enjoyable and find the humor in the bad. I love how his politics are known but not forefront. I love how friends and family seem important to him (at least through his lyrics). I love how the man shows how wonderful capitalism works. I love how he can make a day by the pool seem a bit more like a day in paradise.

One of the things I love most about Buffett is how he is such a part of so many of my memories. Driving around one of the Hawaiian islands with my family while a volcano was literally erupting and listening to Volcano is one of my favorite memories of my entire childhood. Listening to "Six String Music" almost every summer day during college with my good friend Jon. "Barefoot Children" playing during the childhood section of a video that played at my wedding rehearsal dinner.

Buffett somehow has sung me through life and seems somehow to be part of who I am. Just like with myself there are things I am proud of and then there are things I wish I could hide in the closet for no one to see. The concert was similar. I am glad no one saw my put my hands on my head and act like a shark during "Fins" but at the same time I wish I could secretly relive that moment over and over.