The Hypothetical

If you had to write a word association list about Brandon Jones most of you would probably jot down, “Will Hawk” at some point. An annoying amount of my stories involve him so even if you don’t often hang out with the two of us together I probably mention his name a disproportionately enough that you realize we are "bros for life". If you ever do actually find yourself in a room with Will Hawk and I at the same time you need to know a few things.

• Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. William, you, and myself will be using the ball of yarn in the corner of the room,  the Yellow Pages book from 1997 on the table, and the box of matches that William for some reason has in his pockets to play the world’s most intense and competitive game imaginable which will have been invented by William in the spur of the moment. The game will become famous in Uruguay in 3 years.  If you ate poorly today just leave. There is no hope for you.
• Use the last wish from your Genie that you've been saving. You've found a Genie amongst your adventures, right? And surely you were wise enough to save a wish for a true emergency? Good. Use that wish to attain some form of bodily protection. The old school rollerblading knee/elbow/wrist pads are a good option. A suit of armor might work but could be a bit cumbersome. Possibly a hockey goalie get up. Whatever it is, you need it. Most of these games that William invents involve gruesome bodily damage. Jon Keller and I have been subjected to routine games for years that before you even begin playing you have full knowledge that some form of your body will be bleeding once the game commences. We’ve played a game simply called Box that ALWAYS results in carpet burn so bad you will bleed through your pant legs.
• Call your local Parole Officer and verify that your background is clear. Chances are you will be arrested today.
• Once we are bloodied, exhausted, and have made bail we MIGHT actually talk. Most of this discussion will be of the “would you rather…” type or some other hypothetical form of questioning. If you can’t quickly answer a question like, “If you could have a redo on one decision you made in high school what would it be?”, “Zombie Apocalypse or Werewolf Infestation?”, or “Would you rather have to communicate for the rest of your life in song to the tune of "Under the Sea" or everything you eat for the rest of your life taste like pork rinds?” then you are going to be extremely uncomfortable.

 So, that entirely too long set up was basically to allow you to understand that some of the integral parts of who I am are different because of my lifelong friendship with the World’s Best Youth Pastor. Much to the chagrin of my wife I enjoy spending much of my down time discussing the hypothetical.  Long car ride? I NEED to know if you’d rather be a mermaid or an eagle. Waitress is taking too long to bring dinner? Quick, if you had to punch either your mom or your dad in the face who would it be?

My wife despises this type of questioning and I adore it. It has caused many a mini fight. Despite this I continue to push and prod. Our marriage has taught me one question though to avoid and I actually think it’s a fairly common question people ask their spouse.

If I died, who would you want to remarry?

This is not wise friend. I know it sounds fun. It is not. If you feel completely tempted to play this game at least follow the basic rules below.

1. First of all, simply remember that your spouse is not ACTUALLY dead. Whatever you are about to say has consequences. If you pick an ex girlfriend or your spouse’s sibling your time would be better spent intentionally giving yourself splinters .
2. The question is who you would marry, not who do you think it is the hottest. Don’t be stupid. Your wife doesn't want to know which of her friends have the cutest dimple and your husband doesn't want to have confirmation that his rugged friend is actually super attractive. We are adults. Hopefully you've learned that a person’s hot factor does not necessarily equate to a happy marriage. Doing so only proves that you are a poor decision maker and that your spouse has every reason to smack you in the head.
3. Back up your decision with wise reasoning that shows how thoughtful you are. Pick a guy/girl who would help you grow as a person and be a good parent. This will show your current spouse how you can be trusted to not be a dingbat as soon as they are out of the picture which will in turn show your current spouse how you can be trusted to not be a dingbat in the present. Not being a dingbat is crucial to a successful marriage.
4. Attempt to pick someone who is similar to your current spouse. If your husband is bald don’t pick someone with long flowing locks. If your husband doesn't know how to walk into a wooded area and return with a freshly hewn kitchen table and matching chairs then don’t pick a man who knows how to do so. Your spouse wants your decision to remind them of how in love you are, they are not looking to learn about things you wish you could change. And for the love of Pete DO NOT PICK A WOMAN SMALLER THAN YOUR CURRENT WIFE. Ya dingbat!
5. You might think the wise answer would be to say, “Oh, no one, after you I could never find someone to compare”. You think your spouse will glean from this your abounding love and adoration for them. Instead they will come to the conclusion that you despise your marriage so much that you would avoid it at all costs in the future.

Again, I must reiterate my belief that you should simply avoid this conversation at all costs. If your wife asks this question just get up out of your chair and walk away. If she follows you, trip her and start running. If she chases you and you realize there is no escape then and only then follow my above rules or you can steal my automatic perfect answer. It’s the only answer that will please your spouse and not leave them wondering if you are planning an elaborate elopement with the person you mentioned. 

The perfect get out of jail free card is to answer with either your pastor if you are a female or the pastor’s wife if you are a male. None of the above matters if you use this as your answer. Even if your pastor runs marathons, has dreadlocks, and is the creator of Pinterest you are still safe. You’ve picked the Godliest person you and your spouse know. This is like answering, “Jesus” in Sunday School. Even if it isn't the right answer they have to smile and accept it.

Maybe next time I’ll discuss how to handle when your spouse asks the hypothetical question of what one thing you would change about them.