Why I Don't Trust Single People For Health Advice

As American custom demands, I have been reevaluating my life with the New Year. The one thing all Americans who range from slightly overweight to morbidly obese agree on is that January 1^st is a wonderful time to try and lose 10-250 pounds. Sadly the company I work for decides to hold an annual meeting each and every MLK weekend, this means that every MLK weekend I find myself in a place like Miami or San Diego. It’s sad on two fronts. Firstly, it is sad because I end up at these amazing restaurants and force myself to order the healthy options instead of the 20 oz steak grilled to that perfect slightly warm temperature that results in the beautiful red color that oozes out of the meat and onto my plate and mixes with the yellow béarnaise that simply makes my mouth water. More importantly, it’s sad because it creates a memory in my mind. A memory of year after year I end up at this meeting trying to make wise decisions and I weigh the EXACT same thing I weighed five years ago at my first meeting! What am I doing with my life?

So, that is my preface to basically knowingly admitting that while this post is about me trying to better myself in relation to eating I realize that I will end up giving up at some point. In a month or two I’ll find myself two knuckles deep in a jar of Jif Extra Crunchy Peanut Butter and with a gut the exact same size it was in December. I get it. If I can’t break my habit of biting my fingernails after 30 years I certainly am not going to suddenly rise up and conquer a Five Guys burger. I’ve heard a stat that says we all put on one pound for every year we are alive, so I guess I’ll just take pride in the fact that I’m sitting steady at my weight and move on. But, I can’t simply move on and never try and diet or work out again. Those few months of inspiration and determination are what allow me to temporarily lose weight so I stay at my normal weight long term instead of gradually ballooning in to the even fatter version of myself. By the way if that stat were true and I simply lived to the age of 75 they would have to stuff my 240 lb corpse into my casket built for a slim 175 pound frame. (Yes I already bought my casket and yes I bought it with my goal weight in mind) (Yes, I’m lying)

I tell you all of this so you’ll understand why I have been reading nutrition articles and books lately. I’ve learned lots of valuable information that I’m sure I’ll take to heart for about 26 days and then claim amnesia one night as I plow through a box of Kripsy Kreme donuts. But, one piece of information that I will NOT forget is this.

IF YOU ARE MARRIED, DO NOT TAKE WEIGHT LOSS ADVICE FROM A SINGLE PERSON.

This is a vital piece of information people. If you are married and especially if you have children you simply cannot take health advice from a single person. It will not only lead to failure but most likely to a mild form of depression and a severe form of aggression towards the person giving you advice. Being married and taking health advice from a single person is similar to building a pine wood derby car for Boy Scouts and calling Jeff Gordon for advice. Yes, your goals are the same but you aren’t playing by the same rules.

So, why am I so adamant about this?

1.      Money

Single people start at an advantage to married people when trying to lose weight simply from the fact that they have more disposable income than us in relation to food. I have to feed four mouths off my income, they have to feed one mouth. None of those mouths are growing boys. My boy is 22 months old and he already sounds like an asthmatic gorilla when he eats. Every meal ends with him saying, “mess” because during the eating process he is so focused on getting the food into his mouth as quickly as possible that precision loses all meaning.

Single people will stress the importance of replacing breads and grains (how much grains they insist you cut out is a direct relation to how crazy they are) with meat, fruit, and vegetables. Hmm…bread and grains are kind of the cheapest part of my meal, but OK I want to lose weight and that requires sacrifice. Then they will insist that all of these meats, veggies, and fruits are clean organic foods and grown locally. Oooo, sounds yummy. Let me just run to the store and….OH MY GOSH! CAN I DO LAY AWAY ON THIS LOCALLY GROWN CHARD?

Yeah, look. Eating organic and local sounds awesome and I’m sure it really will make me healthier but I can’t spend 50% of my income on food. I already spaz out a little bit if my kids eat strawberries twice in one day.

Married people can’t afford to eat like single people.

2.      TIME

As a working, married man I have to wake up at 5:05am every morning to get to the gym. This allows me about one hour to work out and then a mad dash to return home, get cleaned up and dressed for work, eat breakfast, and if I’m super lucky I’ll have a few minutes for my devotional. Sometimes, even getting up at 5:05am still finds me a little late for work and my beard not quite as clean cut as it should be. Returning from work I come home to three people that missed me and desire my attention, a dinner (prepared by my wife) that needs to be eaten, dishes that require washing, kids that need a dip in the bath, kid’s teeth to be brushed, book to be read, bible to read, prayer to be said, songs to be sung, kisses to be kissed, lights to be turned off. And….it’s 8:45pm.

Now, this isn’t complaining. I LOVE every stinking moment of my life. I love the gym, I love my job, I love every moment I get with my wife and kids even if it’s spent changing a poop explosion. LOVE IT.

But, what it does mean is that this single person giving me advice can take his advice and shove it up his……ahem. It means this single person giving me advice needs to reexamine our lifestyles. I do not have time to work out twice a day. I do not have time to prepare fresh grilled meats and veggies for my lunch each day. I do not have time to go for a 50 mile bike ride every Sunday. I mean, I could make time I guess. But, while my health is important I have other things that are just as important if not more important. I know this is true because when I go on a business trip without my family I find myself with more freedom to make healthier eating choices, more time to work out at night, less temptation to swing by an ice cream shop.

I simply have a different lifestyle than most single people, and my time is taking up by the needs of four people instead of one.

3.      MOTIVES

Lastly, and most importantly, we have vastly different goals. Typically it seems that all single people (especially single men) have one goal for losing weight. DAT SEX! They want to be hotter than their friends so the girl they are interested in will choose his abs to cut butter with (people do that, right?). Single guys seem to have no other goal than sex.

I do have to also say, that sometimes it seems that sex in itself doesn’t seem to be the ultimate goal but more so simply having MORE sex than their friends. I think the video game guys have it all figured out. They all have no sex, and so they are all even and can simply be friends without all the rivalry undertones.

Meanwhile, us married people have sex on the lock down. My wife is contractually obligated to sleep with me regardless of how much Chef Boyardee’s tomato sauce is dried onto shirt and caked in beard. And she could eat ALL THE CAKE and I’d still be annoyingly touchy when she walks by me. All of us married people want to look good for our spouse, but it’s not enough motivation. If I eat so much that my back hurts and my wife doesn’t leave me, then guess what. Motivation is out the window.

A married person’s motivation is more tied into death. I now have these people in my life who I love dearly and who just based on age and gender have a much longer life expectancy than me. I want to see as much of these people’s lives as possible. So, while I’m not worried about how gigantic my delts can get, I am very worried about not dying of coronary heart failure. I just want to live! Stay away from the light Brandon! The raging pecs are just a byproduct of my desire to not die of a food coma. (I am not implying that my pecs actually do much raging.)

So, me and ol Dwayne (this is the name I picture this single guy giving me advice) have totally different requirements of our money, demands on our time, and motivations. When I take advice from Dwayne I find myself what to speak up every time he says something. He thinks I’m just making excuses, I think he is crazy. Eventually this leads to me calling him a sex crazed, self obsessed jerk and him calling me a lazy, self obsessed jerk. These words are hurtful. They are best to be avoided.

My new theory is I only take health advice from people who have a more difficult job than I do that also pays less and they must have at least 2 more kids than I do. I essentially only take advice from overworked Mormons and a even a few of them seem a bit too interested in keeping killer abs in case a hot potential second wife comes along.