Donkeybutt 3D

Recently eighteen of my friends of the male persuasion and I took a trip to the bank and withdrew our entire life savings. After pooling all of our money together we had enough money for seven of the nineteen to go see a 3D movie. After a particularly brutal fist fight the seven were chosen. Off to the movies we went. We went to go see a movie you may know by another name but which I will call Donkeybutt 3D. (My mom and wife read this blog so, I gotta keep it clean!)

If you have not seen this movie then most of what you know about it probably centers around pain, poo, and weiners. I must admit that this movie has a main course of pain, a side salad of poo, and a heaping bowl of weiner in it. Pain, poo, and weiner are not actually something that I typically enjoy being in my movies, or even on my dinner table but I love this movie regardless. Why do I love this movie? Because the main course of pain, the side salad of poo, and the heaping bowl of weiner are all wrapped in a delicious slice of joy.

Somehow the guys that filmed this movie were able to add laughter to a buffalo stampede, happiness to poop volcano, and joy to a woodpecker pecking at male genitalia. If you follow the Donkeybutt crew at all you know their lives are full of issues. Most of the crew is drunk or high during filming. Bam once had the least requested sex tape ever filmed of him and released. Steve-O recently won his battle with drug addiction. Don Vito couldn’t even be a part of filming thanks to a sexual assault charge. Bam couldn’t take part in most of the skits because of a beating he took to his head from some lady.

Not exactly lifestyles that are associated with joy. But, movies aren’t about what happens behind the scenes. Most of the time we are able to forget about who the actor is in real life and focus on the character they are playing. This is why Tom Cruise is still acting in Mission Impossible movies,Woody Allen and Roman Polanski still direct movies, and Mel Gibson is still making tons of great movies. Wait, forget that last one.

I know that these guys are completely crazy and have more problems than I could dream of. But it doesn’t matter because the characters they play in this movie are deliriously happy even during the grossest stunt. They rarely mention alcohol, they never mention drugs, they don’t chase girls, they rarely even make perverted jokes. It is as if 24/7 they spend their time spreading their poop on each other while skydiving naked into a shark tank. They aren’t, but they make you feel that way.

The joy that they portray makes me believe that this what life would look like if God had never created Eve, and Adam had never eaten that apple. I can picture my friends growing up and never hitting puberty and girls never becoming the center of our focus. Without the goal of attaining a female companion we could have quickly lead to a lifestyle similar to the one portrayed in this movie. I know this might sound far fetched but it really isn’t. When I was eight my friend had to get stitches after a fall from the monkey bars, when I was 10 I learned to build bike ramps, when I was 11 I started using the bike ramps for roller blades, when I 15 all my guy friends fell in love with mooning each other, when I was 18 my friend had a doctors visit after falling off a rope swing, when I was 19 my friend started a habit of pooping with the door open,when I was 21 two of my friends went swimming with alligators, when I was 22 I got married. Note how before I got married things were getting crazier and crazier? Now imagine we had not been chasing girls from the age of 13-21 and that I hadn’t got married at 22. Without women life would be one big Donkeybutt episode.

It wouldn’t been mean spirited or gross. It would be filled with joy. But, while I was laughing my head off with pleasure and dancing in circles from sheer delight a guy would rub poop on my upper lip and that is simply a lifestyle I do not want. No matter how happy I may be I don’t want poop on me and I don’t want to see all of my friends manhood every time I turn around.

So, Donkeybutt 3d was a very entertaining movie and made me envision a life that could have been, but more than anything else it gave me just one more reason to be thankful for the ever enticing act of coitous. Add it to the thousands of reasons I already listed sex under the awesome category.