Alright, this one requires that we all agree on one basic
truth. Marriage is hard. If you are one of those weirdos who pictures marriage
as doves landing on your shoulder as the couple sings duets then move on, this
one is not for you. Marriage is hard and we all at numerous points in the
marriage get to a place where we have to start asking some questions. The
questions are probably varied from one marriage to another, but I think we can
all agree that they basically take one of two paths.
Path One is the easiest and certainly makes you feel real
peachy about yourself at the time. Path One is simply putting all blame on your
spouse. “My wife says I don’t do enough
to help around the house, but last week I washed my pop tart dish one time. How
come she didn’t notice that, huh?” This path is simple. Short term it feels
awesome because it allows you to feel right and blame your jerk of a spouse for
everything. Long term it’s no good because it either leads to divorce or the
worst life of all time.
Path Two is hard on the ego but awesome on the marriage. Obviously
it’s just the reverse of Path One. When there is an issue in the marriage you
look for ways that you can improve. This requires choosing daily to love your
spouse more than yourself. It’s the path that all the marriages you are jealous
of take, but holy moly it’s hard. It means you must not only accept that your
spouse isn’t supposed to be perfect but also accept that you need to be the one
to change. Bleh.
So, Path One only works for those who really enjoy paying
lawyers to take away half of your possessions and give them to the person you
now hate most on the earth. Path Two requires admitting that your spouse has
lots and lots of faults, but actively choosing to love them anyway. Path One
sucks, but Path Two seems really difficult.
This is why I’ve come up with Path Three. In Path Three you
don’t blame yourself or your spouse. Path Three is, blame someone else. This
could really be anyone and it might not actually fix anything but it also at
least focuses your distaste for your life of you and your spouse and onto to
some other poor, innocent sap. This person can really be anyone. Good options
would be one or all of your parents, another couple that grate on both of your
nerves but you inexplicably continue to hang out with, or your boss who just
won’t let you catch a break.
So, who did I pick for my scapegoat along this Path?
Batman.
Yes, Batman.
Much like most boys, I grew up enamored with the awesomeness
that was Batman. He was a detective, who had amazing toys, dressed like a boss,
constantly had beautiful women interested in him, knew how to beat up people
who knew karate, lived in an a mansion with a secret hideout cave underneath,
and had Scrooge McDuck levels of money. If the creators of Superman cheated by giving
Superman all the powers then the creators of Batman cheated by giving him all
of the cool.
There wasn’t a moment that I decided that I wished I was
Batman. I think it was just a given and slowly became part of my being. I wasn’t
the kind of kid who wore Batman shirts at all times and plastered my walls with
Batman posters because that is the exact opposite of what Batman would have
done! Seven year old Batman would have beaten up the teenage bully across the
street, swiped a pack of Camels out of the bully’s pocket, and smoked the whole
pack while he did his daily routine of 100 sit ups and 100 push ups.
Somewhere along the way my brain decided that this exactly
what a women would want. If Batman is the very definition of awesome then I
need to be as much like Batman as possible. Now, I can’t exactly afford a
Batmobile, I have no idea how a grappling gun works, I can’t afford a mansion,
I don’t think there are any caves in my area, and mysteries are hard.
So I had to focus on Batman’s attributes that I could attain
and I wasn’t even very good at those. In my mind a real man is a loner, speaks
rarely, doesn’t deal well with his emotions or with past hurts, and mostly shows his feelings physically. If
Batman doesn’t like you he doesn’t say much to you and then he punches you. If
Batman does like then he doesn’t say much to you and then he makes the sweet,
costumed love to you.
You can see where this became an issue once married. Girls
in comics might like the dark and mysterious guy who thinks emotions and
talking are overrated but real girls don’t go for this. I mean, it might work
great for picking girls up in the bar but not once you actually are living life
with a person. Wives don’t dress in cat themed clothing while fighting crime at
night and they also don’t like to be ignored.
So, I’ve decided Batman is my scapegoat. I could take Path B
and try and admit that I need to really focus and pray through engaging my wife’s
heart more often. I could take Path B and look at each individual situation and
assess how I can better love my wife. I could take Path B and pursue my wife even
harder than I did when we were dating.
But that’s all really hard and it’s just way easier to blame
Batman and move on. Maybe I need a new role model. I always thought Ferris Bueller
was pretty cool as a kid, I bet he’d be perfect!
