Thursday, February 24, 2011

My Doomed Relationship

Some relationships are doomed from the beginning. Everyone can see it except the two people in the relationship. There are many reasons why a relationship would be set on a course for disaster from the very beginning but one main reason is that the two are in it for the wrong reasons.

I once dated a girl simply because she could drive and I couldn't. A girl once tried to date me simply because I had tickets to a concert she wanted. I am pretty sure my wife only agreed to date me because we lived in the same neighborhood and it was convenient. I can think of no other reason, she is hawt and I spell hot, hawt. Clearly she could have done better.

We all have friends who begin dating and we can see it just won't work. I am in a similar situation. I have had an on again off again love relationship with Running. The problem is I abhor running. There are a list of crybaby reasons why I hate running. The ground is too hard and hurts my knees, my entire body chafes, I have asthma, it takes too much time. So, you would think I would realize that running is the bane of my existence and move on to something less trying like table tennis or water aerobics for my exercise.

But, I am a love struck moron. I look past those things I hate about Running and crush on the things that I think I will love about running. I ignore that I am an asthmatic, bad kneed, lazy, cry baby and focus on a few great things about Running.

Sometimes this works in a relationship. I am sure my wife had to push aside the fact that I had similar table manners to a three year old, that my ultimate dream was to see a werewolf fight an armored mass of zombies, and that I had spent enough money on concerts and CD's to buy a pretty legit car. She forced her brain to ignore these things and instead focused on the fact that.........okay, so I'm not real sure what she focused on....once I got second place in a tennis tournament because another team defaulted, maybe that was it.......

Okay, back on course. The point is she was able to ignore my bad traits and love my good traits and it all seems to have worked out for the good. For that to work though, you must focus on actual good qualities. If you consider the fact that a guy is loaded or a girl is built like Scarlett Johansson the good qualities to focus on you are in for failure.

I am in a similar position with Running. I don't focus on things like my weight, my cardiovascular health, or even the runner's high (We all know that the "runner's high" is just when the runner stops to shoot up out of boredom, right?). Instead I focus on 3 things about Running that my brain perceives as good but really do not promote a long lasting relationship.

REASON ONE: THE CLOTHES

I am vein. It is sad, but true. The clothes don’t make the man, but they sure make the man feel more confident. Rock stars may be confident guys regardless, but you never see one of them walk on stage in a pair of sweat pant shorts and a t-shirt with food stains on it. We can argue it all day long, but clothes kind of sorta maybe make the man. Nike and Under Armor are no slouches and they realize that deep down we all know this and they don’t even typically bother advertising about how their clothes make running easier. They used to. I bought my Nike Pumps in 5th grade because I literally thought they would make me jump higher. But, now they have learned that simply showing an artsy video of people running with their clothes on, or showing a video with lots of quick cuts of a guy working out make us want their clothes. Most of us know we will never play basketball like Lebron or football like Reggie Bush, but maybe, just maybe we could look freakin’ awesome while we run 2 miles an hour around the neighborhood.

REASON TWO: GATORADE

I don’t drink Gatorade on a normal basis. It is expensive and really sugary. Our budget can’t afford it and if I have to choose between a sugary drink and Dunkin Donuts donut, the donut will win every time. I don’t really watch my calories, but I do watch them enough to make sure I spend them on the best tasting options. Gatorade is delicious though. Last week I helped a friend move. As always with moving, it kinda sucked. Heavy things are not fun to pick up and stairs are not fun to climb. Towards the end of the move the friend busted out some Gatorade. I downed 32 ounces of that sweet nectar and I was ready to move furniture for another few hours as long as it meant there was more Gatorade at the end of the day. Sadly, while Gatorade is fantastic while being drunk….drank….dranken…….drinkin? Yes, while Gatorade is fantastic while being drinkin it is not much of a motivator on mile 2 of a mile 5 run.

REASON THREE: ICE CREAM

I have heard story after story of people who run long distance and not only can eat whatever they want but NEED to eat fattening foods to replenish their body. As an out of shape lover of fattening food this sounds like paradise. As I sit on the couch reading yet another article about this phenomenon I think to myself, “Dude, I can totally run 5 miles a day if I can eat a bowl of ice cream after!”. This is a lie. The ice cream is enough positive enforcement to keep me excited as I tie up my running shoes, turn my iPod on, and walk out the door, heck even for the first few minutes of running I feel great. But, inevitably I get to the huge, long, slow rising hill in my neighborhood and all of my excitement drains. My 5 mile run turns into a 2 mile run/walk and my bowl of ice cream turns in to 2 bowls of ice cream…..and a few cookies.

Surprisingly clothing, Gatorade, and ice cream are not the best reasons to take up Running and thus my affair with Running is always short lived. We have a few lustful days of bliss followed by months of ignoring each other. I should learn my lesson. Running never treats me right, she lures me in and treats me horribly. I despise her, but whenever I see a thin person dressed in Under Armor eating Gatorade flavored ice cream (happens ALL THE TIME!) I find my self lacing up my shoes one more time.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Sweet, Sweet Vomit

My wife and I recently had a conversation that is had in many homes throughout our nation. This discussion was on Drew Barrymore and whether she has grown up to be a surprisingly beautiful woman or if she has grown up to be a surprisingly beautiful ogre-woman . Okay, that wasn't the real discussion but I challenge you to find a consensus in your group of friends on that topic.

Our actual discussion was the typical discussion of the husband slowly putting on weight each and every year and the wife trying to gently persuade him to change his eating habits. Boring discussion that no one wants to hear about but according to my wife may lead to my eventual, slow, painful death. Apparently if you carry your weight in your belly (like most men) it is really bad and worse than other types of fat, because this kind of fat is the perfect place for a gremlin to grow and eventually the gremlin will grow strong enough to burst out of your side and reign havoc in small towns across America on Christmas. Terrible stuff, that belly fat!

This conversation lead me to an old memory from my childhood. It is a memory from when I was about four or five years old. At the time my mom had a full time job and so we had a lady come to our house once a week to help my mom get caught up on chores. Her name was Ruth and she was an old African American lady who cleaned my parents home, my cousins home, and my grandmothers home. So, as a child she felt like an extension of our family.

What in the world do Ruth and belly fat have to do with each other? Well, while thinking of my belly fat I began to tell Kat how I simply have no self control when it comes to sweets. I wondered why this was and after a few moments of thought a memory of Ruth came to mind. At some point my mother left me with Ruth for a morning and Ruth kept an eye on me.

Growing up my favorite breakfast was Eggo waffles and chocolate milk. I didn't have a passing love of this breakfast, it was an obsession. I had it almost every single morning of my life until I graduated high school. Literally almost every morning. Even today Kat knows that our freezer must be stocked with Eggo waffles and our fridge must have a bottle of Hershey Syrup in it at ALL times.

Well, Ruth must have decided she would be nice or she decided to be incredibly lazy and she allowed me to put the maple syrup on my waffles and the Hershey syrup in my milk. Like I said, I was four or five so this was a very very poor decision on Ruth's part. I went freakin' crazy with both syrups and probably had the soggiest waffle of all time and had to chew the milk.

It was not good. Even at that age I knew it was simply too sugary. The first few bites were like heaven, but eventually it became an endurance match to eat my way through the waffles and milk. I am not 100% on this fact, but I vaguely remember vomiting after I finished. It was a sad day in my life story.

What this memory allowed me realize about myself is that I do have a serious, long standing issue with sweets. The issue is not that I like sweets. Who doesn't?! What five year old would not have done the exact same thing I did when presented with two bottles of syrup? The issue is that even at that age I forced myself to finish.

I have continued that trait for my entire life. If you put a Cheesecake Factory cheesecake in front of me, I will eat until my stomach hurts. If you take me Jason's Deli, I will eat the free ice cream before dinner just in case dinner were to fill me up. If I walk into a Subway I eat a cookie regardless of if I want one or not. My body is apparently in a constant delusion that the world is in short supply of sweets and I better get it while I can.

There really is no easy answer. I can diet all I want, but eventually I will see sweets and be overcome. I can work out all I want, but eventually I will see sweets and be overcome. There truly is only one option now. I need to find 'ol Ruth, sit down in front of a waffle and glass of milk, have Ruth gently whisper in my ear to pour as much as I want, go nuts with the syrup, force myself to eat all the food and drink all the milk, and then vomit myself until I am dry heaving. That should keep me away from sweets for at least a few hours.


Thursday, February 3, 2011

You Like Chocolate? Me Too! We Should Get Married!

Everyone, and I mean, everyone knows “The Pina Colada Song” or by it’s actual name “Escape” by Rupert Holmes. 99% of people wouldn’t know who Rupert Holmes was if asked and the same percent would call it “The Pina Colada Song” instead of “Escape”. So no one knows much about the song but everyone can sing the lyrics. Here they are:

I was tired of my lady
We'd been together too long
Like a worn-out recording
Of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleeping
I read the paper in bed
And in the personal columns
There was this letter I read
"If you like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the Cape
Then I'm the love that you've looked for
Write to me and escape."
I didn't think about my lady
I know that sounds kind of mean
But me and my old lady
Have fallen into the same old dull routine
So I wrote to the paper
Took out a personal ad
And though I'm nobody's poet
I thought it wasn't half bad
"Yes I like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
I'm not much into health food
I am into champagne
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon
And cut through all this red-tape
At a bar called O'Malley's
Where we'll plan our escape."
So I waited with high hopes
And she walked in the place
I knew her smile in an instant
I knew the curve of her face
It was my own lovely lady
And she said, "Oh it's you."
Then we laughed for a moment
And I said, "I never knew."
That you like Pina Coladas
Getting caught in the rain
And the feel of the ocean
And the taste of champagne
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the dunes of the Cape
You're the lady I've looked for
Come with me and escape
repeat chorus twice and fade out

Cute song. Catchy lyrics. I recently referenced this song in an email I sent to a friend. After fretting and fretting over if mentioning making love in the dunes of a cape was inappropriate or not another thought finally hit me. Good gracious, those two people should have gotten a divorce. I am not typically an advocate for divorce. I have often told my wife that even if she has an affair I will most likely keep her around. Probably not the wisest thing to tell someone if you don’t want them to do it. “Hey child, if you start smoking crack I’ll be totally cool with it…..but don’t do it!”. But oh well, love is retarded.

So, why would a man who despises divorce advocate it in this situation? Well, they were clearly headed that way anyways at the beginning of the song. I’ve heard people describe their spouses in many ways but “worn out recording” comes across as rather mean spirited and pretty hard to recover from. You know what you do with worn out recordings? You throw them away and buy a new copy. A copy with more curves, less inhibitions, and a love of doing chores or if you are a woman a copy with less curves, more inhibitions, and a love of doing chores.

Okay, so their marriage isn’t exactly grand. Obviously our vows didn’t say “In health and sickness, in grandness and ungrandness” so still you might be wondering why I would advocate divorce. I think these two people should get divorced because their reasoning for staying together was that they both like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain, laziness to the point of being unlimber, somewhat smart people, sex, the beach, junk food, champagne, and they both dislike red tape. You know who else like these things? Everyone in the world in the entire history of humankind.

Pina Coladas- This is one of the only alcoholic drinks that people still drink without alcohol in it. O’Douls tries to sell beer without alcohol and you know who drinks it? No one. Okay…maybe midgets….small people…..dwarves…..whatever they are called drink it because they are tiny, but no one else does.

Getting caught in the rain - There is LITERALLY a song called, “Singing in the Rain”.

Laziness to the point of being unlimber – Being unlimber isn’t the goal but lung cancer isn’t the goal of smokers either. People love laziness so much they don’t care if they can no longer tie their own shoes.

Somewhat smart people – This one is tricky because typically we all say that we want a spouse who is smart, but these guys cut through the red tape (they like that, remember?) and say what we really want. We all want someone who is smart enough to cook their own meals but dumb enough to make us feel good about ourselves

Sex – Sex. Yes, the word sex is my entire argument for that one.

The beach – Sharks, hurricanes, pirates, jelly fish, sting rays, men in thongs. There are many perils at the beach, but we all love it so much that almost every American braves all of the dangers to spend a few days at the beach each year.

Junk Food – The KFC Double Down exists for one reason, we love junk food to the point that bread just gets in the way of stuffing more grease in.

Champagne – Even if you don’t like the taste, everyone likes feeling fancy every once in a while!

Hate red tape – I don’t really know why, but everyone seems to hate this stuff. I think red tape works great for holiday gift wrapping.

So these two people that were so bored with each other they wanted to run away decided to get back together because they like things that everyone likes? You do realize that this woman probably returned home after meeting her husband at O’Malley’s and had thousands of responses from men across the city. She said the word “sex” in a personal ad. Her personal ad could have just said, “Woman seeking sex” and she would have gotten response, but then to ad in the promise of alcohol and fast food after?!?! She is most men’s dream woman (yes, men are oddly easy to please). So, even if she was pleased to discover that her hubby had similar interests, don’t you think she may have been lured away by a hotter, richer man right after this song ended?

My last reason for these people needing to find a divorce lawyer as quickly as possible is that their marriage up to now points to bad things. They have been married long enough to feel the other is a “worn out recording” and yet they have never once had a conversation that led them to realize the other one liked the beach, fruity alcohol, fancy alcohol, junk food, sloth, playing in the rain, or sex? I know more about my wife’s high school crushes than these two know about each other. So even if the wife for some reason turns up her nose at the thousands of men who left her messages, these two will most likely never come to find out that the other person likes Strawberry Daiquiris, candy, baseball, or the way the sun feels on your body when you get out of a cold pool.

Eventually these two will eventually realize they are lonely and their spouse has the communication skills of Helen Keller and they will go searching for someone else. But they will both be obese and have a serious drinking problem at this point and divorce will only lead to further loneliness.

So, I just want to close by saying, “That Rupert Holmes is full of crap, man!”.