Cheer Up Charlie

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was one of my favorite movies as a kid, heck it still is today. I know I am not alone in this fact. The movie is just astounding. The visuals, the plot, the actors, the songs, the creepiness, the innocence, the costumes, the oompa loompas, the contract, the golden ticket, and oh the snozzberries! And it's made by a director who has made nothing else even worth seeing in my eyes. But, that is all for another post.

Today I simply want reminisce about the 2 minutes and 33 seconds that is the song "Cheer Up Charlie". Listening to this song on a soundtrack now I can admit it is a beautiful song and Diana Sowle has rather nice voice. When watching the movie however it makes me want to slit my wrists and pour salt in the wounds.

As a kid I believe this one song caused me to have my first suicidal thoughts. Luckily most movies don't place such pace killing songs in them or I may have actually become emo or something. It is placed between "The Candy Man" which is also rather annoying but at least it is fun and has a little pop in it's step and "I've Got A (Freakin') Golden Tickets (All You Other Brits Can Suck It)". That's the name of that song, right? "I've Got A Golden Ticket" is one of the most uplifting songs ever put to film and good gosh is it ever needed.

Mrs. Bucket is simply trying to cheer her son up with song, but there are two problems with this. Firstly, if you want to cheer someone up it might help if they are actually within, you know, ear shot! Second, if I want to cheer you up I don't do it by tearfully telling you to be happy while I poke you in the eye with a pink eye fungus infested sewing needle. Mrs. Bucket clearly needs to take some anti depressants herself and listen to Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry Be Happy Now" a few hundred times.

This movie has probably been watched millions of times but it is a well documented fact that the "Cheer Up Charlie" song has only been watched in it' 2 minutes and 33 second entirety three times. I vote that we get George Lucas to use some of his technology and cut this song out and extend "The Wondrous Boat Ride" scene by a few minutes.

Until that happens I will continue to lock up all sharp objects in my house before I press play on this movie.

I bet if I try jumping off the couch face first over and over it will work!

Nutz

Occasionally things come into fashion that at best serve no purpose and make the user look a bit odd and at worst are offensive. A neck tie is the former, a bow tie is the latter. Jorts are the former, butt cleavage is the latter. Water bras are the former, nipple enhancers () are the latter. Fake bullet hole stickers for your car are the former, fake human testicles that dangle from the rear of your car are the latter.

Fake Human Testicles That Dangle From The Rear Of Your Car would be a catchy name, but instead they used Nutz. Let's go through the list of things we do for fashion that don't make sense.

Serve No Purpose
A truck is clearly a vehicle made for a man. Not just a man, but a man that does man things. You won't see many business men in NYC driving a man truck around because they spend their time picking up lattes not picking up bales of hay. When you purchase a pick up truck you are in essence screaming, "I am so much of a man, a fully closed in vehicle cannot contain my manliness". There is nothing else you need to add to your truck. Everything else just makes it overboard. Big tires? Good luck not looking like a little kid climbing into your man truck. Lowering your truck? Let's see you not look like an idiot going 2 miles an hour at an angle over speed bumps? A grill protector? Yes, that would be useful for bumper cars but serves little purpose for hauling away the bear you just killed with a knife.

Attaching plastic human testicles to the back of your truck? What purpose could this possibly send? Is it like a male peacock that spreads his extravagant feathers to lure in lady peacocks? Maybe so, but I do not think testicles are one of the top reasons a girl falls for a guy, or even one of the bottom reasons. Is it trying to let everyone know that, "Hey, a man drives this truck!"? Like I already said, a truck is the one vehicle that everyone assumes a man is the driver. If you bought a bright yellow VW Bug then maybe Nutz would make sense, but not on a truck.

So, Nutz serve no purpose.

Make the User Look Odd
Styles have slowly changed over many year to where women show more of their legs, stomach, arms, neck, feet, chest, and bottom. Men's fashion has changed to where we show more neck, a little more arm, and a little more leg if the weather is hot enough. Fashion shows that the people do not really want to see too much of the male body. The one thing that every single fashion that has ever gained popularity in America has in common is it's ability to cover up the male genitalia. Even the male swim suit has the shorts like material on the outside and netting on the inside.

The people have spoken. Nutz should stay behind at least two layers of fabric at all times.

Offensive
Movies come out every week that contain a female baring her breasts to anyone willing to go to the local theater and spend a small fortune on a ticket and popcorn. When a movie decides to include a nude man the media acts like they are killing babies in the film. Look up Forgetting Sarah Marshall controversy on google, it's all about the male goods. Borat was known for being a jew hating racist, but most of the controversy for the film came from the male nudity. Eastern Promises was one of the best films to come out in 2007 but was often referred to as "The Weiner Fight movie" Male genitalia is offensive, plain and simple.

Nutz serve no purpose, make the driver look like a tool, and offend everyone except other tool bags. In conclusion, I leave you with this....



Side Note: If there are any big scary guys who have Nutz on their truck reading this then I take all of this back and Nutz are super classy.

You Could Have Burped

A show that I immensely enjoy these days is, "How I Met Your Mother". I am a pretty buttoned up guy, so you might question why I would enjoy a show that spends so much time focusing on guys trying to sleep with girls. I mean, there is a whole episode based around two guys competing to see who can have a threesome first. Let me list the reasons why I love it anyways:

1. Jason Segel as Marshall. The most redeemable character on the show to me. When I watch this show, I can't stop myself from wishing we were friends the whole time.

2. Neil Patrick Harris, so hot right now, Neil Patrick Harris.

3. Alyson Hannigan. Okay, so she played one of the most annoying characters ever in American Pie but in this show she is what I would want my wife to be like if I wasn't already married. She is cute, fun, and so supportive she texts her husband while he is on the toilet. Nice!

4. Barney Stinson's theories. They are always elaborate but seem to make some sense.

5. The entire premise of the show is based on a man searching for his future wife. At least when he is out sleeping with tons of people he is doing it in hopes of finding the "one". Not very biblical...but still...it's TV, cut it some slack.

6. Suit Up!

7. Bob Saget is the voice of Ted grown up. Random, yet cool.

8. Cobie Smulders. Okay, she isn't actually my favorite but that name is AWESOME!

9. Marshall and Lilly are such an amazing example of what a married couple should look like to me.

10. This show quotes the bible or has biblical themes fairly often for a comedy on tv. Marshall beautifully quoted 1 Corinthians 13 in one episode. It was made into a joke immediately after that, but if my pastor would have read that verse in my wedding as tenderly as Marshall did in this episode I would have cried.

These are many reasons why I love the show. There are more. I could make a lists as long as Barney's list of places to make love but I won't. I won't because the main reason I love this show is one scene. It takes place at Marshall and Lilly's wedding. They have been unable to eat because everyone is talking and hugging them. Lilly keeps drinking champagne so that she can have the strawberry that is on the edge of the glass. She becomes a bit drunk. This is what follows

Lily Aldrin: I had four strawberries.
Ted Mosby: Was there a side of champagne with each of those strawberries?
Lily Aldrin: [burping] Yes!
Marshall Eriksen: Lily, you could have burped, or said the word yes, but the fact that you did both is exactly why I married you.

Right there. What Marshall said. When it comes down to it these types of things are what make love beautiful to me. Roses, kisses, weddings, babies, diamonds, dates. Anyone can have these things, they might be part of love, but they aren't what love is.

Lilly stood there tipsy in her wedding dress and burped a word like a dang preschooler. Most would be appalled or at least turned off by this. Love instead makes it something that just makes you love that person more.



I audibly hum when I am really enjoying a dinner. Weird. Kat loves it.

Katherine often forgets to rinse the soap off of her neck in the shower. Odd. I love it.

I have pooped my pants in front of Kat and vomited in front of her on separate occasions. Disgusting. Somehow, it makes me more lovable to Kat.

Kat is a super clean freak when it comes to beds. Annoying. Even when I have to shower before bed when I just showered a few hours ago it makes me love her even more.

The things that make us quirky make our significant others love us even more and this scene in this show captures it perfectly.

I'll leave you with this thought. If you ever find yourself in a relationship and you accidentally poop your pants while in Mexico and your spouse gets grossed out, it is probably time to wonder if they really love you. If you ever are asked a question and you burp the answer and your spouse does anything but smile lovingly, it is probably time to wonder if they really love you.

Man Soap

Typically men are not very picky when it comes to what soap they use. Until I got married I would use the shampoo lather off of my head to bathe with for about 65% of my showers. 25% of the time I would a cheap bar of soap, and the other 10% I would just trust the purity of the water to cleanse my man sweat off. Something about sharing a bed with a fresher smelling, softer skinned, less hairy, less awkward looking version of man quickly changed my shower habits. It might have been because she inspired me to be a better man, but most likely it had more to do with the hopes of sexy time. All of this to say, men don't really care. As long as we smell less like butt after the shower than we did before than we are relatively pleased with our shower experience.

Apparently Old Spice, Axe, and Dove are aiming to change that. From my memory there was little competition in the man soap department until Axe came out with their uber sexified version of soap commercials. Suddenly every boy between the ages of 13-30 noticed that the man's body needs a different product to clean away the dirt and grime that men collect on their bodies throughout the day. It took a few years, but on Super Bowl 2010 night, Dove and Old Spice jumped into the game harder than ever before. They had the product before, but they had not put this kind of effort behind advertising.

All three companies have a "man scrubber".

The Axe Detailer. Because apparently a man's body will look like a washed and waxed Maserati if it is just washed extra hard.



The Old Spice Deck Scrubber to remove, "Dirt, Odor, and Barnacles". Okay, men are gross but if you ever have something that can be referred to as a barnacle on your body please go to a doctor, not to the soap aisle.



Then we have the Dove Men+Care Active Clean Shower Tool which is the wordiest name for a cleaning product I have ever heard but at least it isn't cheesy.



I actually own one of the Axe Detailers so I shouldn't make too much fun since I clearly fell prey to the ads but I am going to make fun despite that. Let's be honest with our selves though, these scrubbers are simply the less gay cousin of a loofah. The fact that they threw a scrubber on the back of the loofah seems a lot like a guy in high school who is in every drama production, but always plays the bad guy. Less gay than some, but still gay.

Not only does the scrubber side simply make it a glorified loofah, it also makes it a really painful version of the loofah. As much as the commercials try and convince us, men do not have knee caps made of similar quality to a car hood, we don't have elbows as hard and sharp as the deck of a boat, and we don't have footballs and chainsaws falling out of our armpits. When you take rough fabric and rub it across your body it hurts. My knees may be a lot less sexy than my wife's knees, but when you really get down to it they are the same dang things. Not only does the scrubber hurt but the piece of plastic that attaches the scrubber and the loofah is just a safety hazard. If you get moving too quickly in the shower because you are rushing to see the Top 10 on Sportscenter and you know it is coming on any minute and that piece of plastic accidentally rubs your skin you will be down for the count. I have had scrapes and bruises on my feet and legs for days a time thanks to trying to have a 60 second shower while using this thing.

In conclusion, I am a hypocrite. I was tricked by the commercials and felt that as a man I needed one of these magical man sponges. I will most likely buy one again mainly because I hate walking up to the store counter with a pink loofah in hand. I can't stand this product, but this one perfectly hilarious commercial makes me happy for their existence. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owGykVbfgUE"

Sno-hut

Picture this.

You are a seven year old boy. You just walked out of Toys R Us. You bought a GI Joe doll, scratch that, toy, scratch that, figurine, scratch that, action figure, scratch that, GI JOES ARE AWESOME AND YOU BETTER JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT! You got said GI Joe by collecting stickers on a chart each morning when you did not sneak into your parents bed in the middle of the night out of fear.

Awesome.

Black lycra bike shorts. Yellow OP shirt 2 sizes too big. Georgia. August. Sun. Thirsty. Sweat pouring down back into lycra bike shorts where it will never escape.

Not awesome.

This is when the "not awesome" ends and does not show back up in this story. Your mom glances at you and notices that you are sweating away to nothing in front of her eyes. Her eyes quickly shift to a snow cone hut across the parking lot. YES!!!! Your sweet, perfect, wonderful, glorious, angelic mother asks if you would like a snow cone and mysteriously you are suddenly standing in front of the snow cone hut not remembering the walk over or how you got there. You can't see over the snow cone hut counter, but there is no need to worry. Remember I already told you that "not awesome" would not reappear in this story. The reason there is no need to worry is because as a seven year old boy there is only one flavor. Girls might order Pink Bubble Gum, Cotton Candy, Hawaiian, or Wild Strawberry. Your mom might order Pina Coloda or Bahamma Mama and fantasize of being at a Beaches Resort. But for you, the seven year old boy holding a GI Joe that probably comes to life at night and kills Cobra action figures, there is only one flavor possible.

TIGER'S BLOOD!

When you are seven and of the male persuasion it does not matter that the Tiger's Blood flavor is simply watermelon, strawberry, and coconut mixed together. In your mind this is surely what real tiger's blood taste like in the wild. As you hold the styrofoam cup and pick away at the ice with a cheap malleable plastic spoon you imagine that you are a wild african tribesman picking the meat off the ribs and sucking the marrow out of the bones of a tiger. A tiger that tastes like watermelon, strawberry, and coconut. When you are finished your teeth are the color of real tiger's blood, if tigers bled a neon reddish pink color. Your mom steals away all the manhood you have earned in the last 10 minutes by cleaning your face with a saliva covered finger. It doesn't matter though, all is still awesome, because there is no school, you have a new toy, and you just drank the strength of an african predator!

In a world where



+



=


all is awesome.

Many years later you will learn that tigers do not reside in Africa and if you ever wanted to drink the blood of a real tiger you would have to go to Asia which is actually not awesome. This means that tigers and lions never have fights where zebras and giraffes stand by and bet money on who will win. Even more not awesome.

Jimmy Buffett

Last week I was lucky enough to attend a Jimmy Buffett concert in Atlanta with my brother. Jimmy has long been on my list of musicians I wanted to see live. This show had a whole myriad of pros and cons. Allow me to illustrate.

PROS
1. Blake and I attended The Varsity before hand. The Frosted Orange gave me a sugar high that lasted well into Buffett's second set.
2. My parents were at the show in their rather large motor home which provided fun and escape from the weather.
3. A man driving a motorized lounger around with Margarita blenders attached. What innovation!
4. Super close seats for a show of this caliber. What a view of Buffett and his band.
5. Zac Brown showed up and helped rock "A Pirate Looks At Forty" and "Margaritaville". His musicianship was great.
6. Jimmy played great songs like "Pencil Thin Mustache", "School Boy Heart", and "Lovely Cruise"
7. Jimmy Buffett seemed to have a great time with Zac Brown and passed the "tiki torch" (his words, not mine) to him.
8. Jimmy Buffett seemed so thankful for his fans and all they have done for him.



CONS
1. Blake and I attended The Varsity before hand. The cheeseburger and onion rings gave me "mud butt" well into the second set......of his show two nights later in St. Louis.
2. My parents were at the show in their rather large motor home which provided fun and but we had to use it for escape from the horrible weather.
3. A man driving a motorized lounger around with Margarita blenders attached. What a waste of time and money!
4. Super close seats for a show of this caliber. What a view of all the gray hair surrounding me since only adults can afford these tickets!
5. Zac Brown showed up and took up valuable setlist time with his own song, "Where The Boats Leave From". His personality was boring.
6. Jimmy played boring songs like "Creola" (sung by a backup singer) and "Back Where I Come From" sung by his guitar player.
7. Jimmy Buffett passed the "tiki torch" (his words, not mine) to ZAC BROWN!
8. Jimmy Buffett seemed too thankful to his fans and all they have done for him. Almost acted like he would be retiring soon.

So, those were my pros and cons. Many things about Buffett always seem like both a pro and a con. Volcano is both one of my favorite songs from my childhood and one of the songs that seem to cheesy to exist as an adult. Much of his success can be accredited to his business savy, while much of his "cool" is discredited by his business savy. His odd since of humour (I want to be British, so get over my spelling) has allowed him to write lyrics as beautiful as "Love in the library, quiet and cool. Love in the library, there are no rules. Surrounded by stories surreal and sublime. I feel in love in the library once upon a time" and as embarrassing as, "Math sucks, math sucks, math sucks, math sucks. I'd like to burn this textbook. I hate this stuff so much. Math sucks, math sucks, math sucks, math sucks. Sometimes I don't think I know that much, but math sucks.".

Buffett in many ways is a hero of mine. I love his desire to make life enjoyable and find the humor in the bad. I love how his politics are known but not forefront. I love how friends and family seem important to him (at least through his lyrics). I love how the man shows how wonderful capitalism works. I love how he can make a day by the pool seem a bit more like a day in paradise.

One of the things I love most about Buffett is how he is such a part of so many of my memories. Driving around one of the Hawaiian islands with my family while a volcano was literally erupting and listening to Volcano is one of my favorite memories of my entire childhood. Listening to "Six String Music" almost every summer day during college with my good friend Jon. "Barefoot Children" playing during the childhood section of a video that played at my wedding rehearsal dinner.

Buffett somehow has sung me through life and seems somehow to be part of who I am. Just like with myself there are things I am proud of and then there are things I wish I could hide in the closet for no one to see. The concert was similar. I am glad no one saw my put my hands on my head and act like a shark during "Fins" but at the same time I wish I could secretly relive that moment over and over.

Pop Tarts

Pop Tarts make me feel like Miley Cyrus when they are playing her song. When I bite into a Pop Tart I just want to put my hands up, nod my head like "yeah" and move my hips like "yeah". I don't actually know what those lyrics mean exactly, but that is how Pop Tarts make me feel. They take me to a time of innocence when I was pretty sure Snake Eyes, Splinter, and Jake the Snake all hung out on the weekends. They take me to a time when I thought my mom was awesome just because she could toast Pop Tarts and if she ever left I would have to eat them cold. But most of all the take me back to a time when calories didn't matter and the woman who does my grocery shopping didn't refuse to buy them.

Blueberry, brown sugar cinnamon, cherry, chocolate fudge, raspberry, smores, strawberry, and wild berry. Pop Tarts come in lots of flavors and each packs about 5 grams of fat (1.5 of that being saturated), 200 calories, 7-10% of daily sodium intake, 12-13% of carbs, and 17-20 grams of sugar PER POP TART!

There are only a few rules with Pop Tarts.
1. No one eats one Pop Tart. They are consumed in pairs. Pop Tarts are sad when eaten without a friend.
2. Most foods require a plate, Pop Tarts are okay to eat off of a paper towel.
3. Unless you want to be ridiculed by everyone in your kindergarten class (like the booger eater) you should never eat Pop Tarts cold.
4. NO ONE EVER EVER EVER EATS UNFROSTED POP TARTS. EVER.............EVER.

So, rule #1 means when you decide to sit down with a package of Pop Tarts you are getting 400 calories and 40 sugars! This is why Pop Tarts are the food of children. It is not because we grow up and decide bran flakes are the proper thing to eat, it's because we are stuck at a desk all day and can't run around the yard all day pretending to be a dragon slayer and due to that we burn close to -35 calories a day. I love Pop Tarts. They are the pinnacle of pastries. When I spent about 50% of my day in constant motion I could chow down on them, but now when 71% (literally, I did the math)of my day is spent either at work or in bed I have to eat a Kashi bar with my eyes closed tight while I try my hardest to remember what it felt like as my teeth crunched down on a frosted outside, sugary filling, and a thin pastry crust.