You are a seven year old boy. You just walked out of Toys R Us. You bought a GI Joe doll, scratch that, toy, scratch that, figurine, scratch that, action figure, scratch that, GI JOES ARE AWESOME AND YOU BETTER JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT! You got said GI Joe by collecting stickers on a chart each morning when you did not sneak into your parents bed in the middle of the night out of fear.
Awesome.
Black lycra bike shorts. Yellow OP shirt 2 sizes too big. Georgia. August. Sun. Thirsty. Sweat pouring down back into lycra bike shorts where it will never escape.
Not awesome.
This is when the "not awesome" ends and does not show back up in this story. Your mom glances at you and notices that you are sweating away to nothing in front of her eyes. Her eyes quickly shift to a snow cone hut across the parking lot. YES!!!! Your sweet, perfect, wonderful, glorious, angelic mother asks if you would like a snow cone and mysteriously you are suddenly standing in front of the snow cone hut not remembering the walk over or how you got there. You can't see over the snow cone hut counter, but there is no need to worry. Remember I already told you that "not awesome" would not reappear in this story. The reason there is no need to worry is because as a seven year old boy there is only one flavor. Girls might order Pink Bubble Gum, Cotton Candy, Hawaiian, or Wild Strawberry. Your mom might order Pina Coloda or Bahamma Mama and fantasize of being at a Beaches Resort. But for you, the seven year old boy holding a GI Joe that probably comes to life at night and kills Cobra action figures, there is only one flavor possible.
TIGER'S BLOOD!
When you are seven and of the male persuasion it does not matter that the Tiger's Blood flavor is simply watermelon, strawberry, and coconut mixed together. In your mind this is surely what real tiger's blood taste like in the wild. As you hold the styrofoam cup and pick away at the ice with a cheap malleable plastic spoon you imagine that you are a wild african tribesman picking the meat off the ribs and sucking the marrow out of the bones of a tiger. A tiger that tastes like watermelon, strawberry, and coconut. When you are finished your teeth are the color of real tiger's blood, if tigers bled a neon reddish pink color. Your mom steals away all the manhood you have earned in the last 10 minutes by cleaning your face with a saliva covered finger. It doesn't matter though, all is still awesome, because there is no school, you have a new toy, and you just drank the strength of an african predator!
In a world where
+
=
all is awesome.
Many years later you will learn that tigers do not reside in Africa and if you ever wanted to drink the blood of a real tiger you would have to go to Asia which is actually not awesome. This means that tigers and lions never have fights where zebras and giraffes stand by and bet money on who will win. Even more not awesome.
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