Sno-hut

Picture this.

You are a seven year old boy. You just walked out of Toys R Us. You bought a GI Joe doll, scratch that, toy, scratch that, figurine, scratch that, action figure, scratch that, GI JOES ARE AWESOME AND YOU BETTER JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT! You got said GI Joe by collecting stickers on a chart each morning when you did not sneak into your parents bed in the middle of the night out of fear.

Awesome.

Black lycra bike shorts. Yellow OP shirt 2 sizes too big. Georgia. August. Sun. Thirsty. Sweat pouring down back into lycra bike shorts where it will never escape.

Not awesome.

This is when the "not awesome" ends and does not show back up in this story. Your mom glances at you and notices that you are sweating away to nothing in front of her eyes. Her eyes quickly shift to a snow cone hut across the parking lot. YES!!!! Your sweet, perfect, wonderful, glorious, angelic mother asks if you would like a snow cone and mysteriously you are suddenly standing in front of the snow cone hut not remembering the walk over or how you got there. You can't see over the snow cone hut counter, but there is no need to worry. Remember I already told you that "not awesome" would not reappear in this story. The reason there is no need to worry is because as a seven year old boy there is only one flavor. Girls might order Pink Bubble Gum, Cotton Candy, Hawaiian, or Wild Strawberry. Your mom might order Pina Coloda or Bahamma Mama and fantasize of being at a Beaches Resort. But for you, the seven year old boy holding a GI Joe that probably comes to life at night and kills Cobra action figures, there is only one flavor possible.

TIGER'S BLOOD!

When you are seven and of the male persuasion it does not matter that the Tiger's Blood flavor is simply watermelon, strawberry, and coconut mixed together. In your mind this is surely what real tiger's blood taste like in the wild. As you hold the styrofoam cup and pick away at the ice with a cheap malleable plastic spoon you imagine that you are a wild african tribesman picking the meat off the ribs and sucking the marrow out of the bones of a tiger. A tiger that tastes like watermelon, strawberry, and coconut. When you are finished your teeth are the color of real tiger's blood, if tigers bled a neon reddish pink color. Your mom steals away all the manhood you have earned in the last 10 minutes by cleaning your face with a saliva covered finger. It doesn't matter though, all is still awesome, because there is no school, you have a new toy, and you just drank the strength of an african predator!

In a world where



+



=


all is awesome.

Many years later you will learn that tigers do not reside in Africa and if you ever wanted to drink the blood of a real tiger you would have to go to Asia which is actually not awesome. This means that tigers and lions never have fights where zebras and giraffes stand by and bet money on who will win. Even more not awesome.

Jimmy Buffett

Last week I was lucky enough to attend a Jimmy Buffett concert in Atlanta with my brother. Jimmy has long been on my list of musicians I wanted to see live. This show had a whole myriad of pros and cons. Allow me to illustrate.

PROS
1. Blake and I attended The Varsity before hand. The Frosted Orange gave me a sugar high that lasted well into Buffett's second set.
2. My parents were at the show in their rather large motor home which provided fun and escape from the weather.
3. A man driving a motorized lounger around with Margarita blenders attached. What innovation!
4. Super close seats for a show of this caliber. What a view of Buffett and his band.
5. Zac Brown showed up and helped rock "A Pirate Looks At Forty" and "Margaritaville". His musicianship was great.
6. Jimmy played great songs like "Pencil Thin Mustache", "School Boy Heart", and "Lovely Cruise"
7. Jimmy Buffett seemed to have a great time with Zac Brown and passed the "tiki torch" (his words, not mine) to him.
8. Jimmy Buffett seemed so thankful for his fans and all they have done for him.



CONS
1. Blake and I attended The Varsity before hand. The cheeseburger and onion rings gave me "mud butt" well into the second set......of his show two nights later in St. Louis.
2. My parents were at the show in their rather large motor home which provided fun and but we had to use it for escape from the horrible weather.
3. A man driving a motorized lounger around with Margarita blenders attached. What a waste of time and money!
4. Super close seats for a show of this caliber. What a view of all the gray hair surrounding me since only adults can afford these tickets!
5. Zac Brown showed up and took up valuable setlist time with his own song, "Where The Boats Leave From". His personality was boring.
6. Jimmy played boring songs like "Creola" (sung by a backup singer) and "Back Where I Come From" sung by his guitar player.
7. Jimmy Buffett passed the "tiki torch" (his words, not mine) to ZAC BROWN!
8. Jimmy Buffett seemed too thankful to his fans and all they have done for him. Almost acted like he would be retiring soon.

So, those were my pros and cons. Many things about Buffett always seem like both a pro and a con. Volcano is both one of my favorite songs from my childhood and one of the songs that seem to cheesy to exist as an adult. Much of his success can be accredited to his business savy, while much of his "cool" is discredited by his business savy. His odd since of humour (I want to be British, so get over my spelling) has allowed him to write lyrics as beautiful as "Love in the library, quiet and cool. Love in the library, there are no rules. Surrounded by stories surreal and sublime. I feel in love in the library once upon a time" and as embarrassing as, "Math sucks, math sucks, math sucks, math sucks. I'd like to burn this textbook. I hate this stuff so much. Math sucks, math sucks, math sucks, math sucks. Sometimes I don't think I know that much, but math sucks.".

Buffett in many ways is a hero of mine. I love his desire to make life enjoyable and find the humor in the bad. I love how his politics are known but not forefront. I love how friends and family seem important to him (at least through his lyrics). I love how the man shows how wonderful capitalism works. I love how he can make a day by the pool seem a bit more like a day in paradise.

One of the things I love most about Buffett is how he is such a part of so many of my memories. Driving around one of the Hawaiian islands with my family while a volcano was literally erupting and listening to Volcano is one of my favorite memories of my entire childhood. Listening to "Six String Music" almost every summer day during college with my good friend Jon. "Barefoot Children" playing during the childhood section of a video that played at my wedding rehearsal dinner.

Buffett somehow has sung me through life and seems somehow to be part of who I am. Just like with myself there are things I am proud of and then there are things I wish I could hide in the closet for no one to see. The concert was similar. I am glad no one saw my put my hands on my head and act like a shark during "Fins" but at the same time I wish I could secretly relive that moment over and over.

Pop Tarts

Pop Tarts make me feel like Miley Cyrus when they are playing her song. When I bite into a Pop Tart I just want to put my hands up, nod my head like "yeah" and move my hips like "yeah". I don't actually know what those lyrics mean exactly, but that is how Pop Tarts make me feel. They take me to a time of innocence when I was pretty sure Snake Eyes, Splinter, and Jake the Snake all hung out on the weekends. They take me to a time when I thought my mom was awesome just because she could toast Pop Tarts and if she ever left I would have to eat them cold. But most of all the take me back to a time when calories didn't matter and the woman who does my grocery shopping didn't refuse to buy them.

Blueberry, brown sugar cinnamon, cherry, chocolate fudge, raspberry, smores, strawberry, and wild berry. Pop Tarts come in lots of flavors and each packs about 5 grams of fat (1.5 of that being saturated), 200 calories, 7-10% of daily sodium intake, 12-13% of carbs, and 17-20 grams of sugar PER POP TART!

There are only a few rules with Pop Tarts.
1. No one eats one Pop Tart. They are consumed in pairs. Pop Tarts are sad when eaten without a friend.
2. Most foods require a plate, Pop Tarts are okay to eat off of a paper towel.
3. Unless you want to be ridiculed by everyone in your kindergarten class (like the booger eater) you should never eat Pop Tarts cold.
4. NO ONE EVER EVER EVER EATS UNFROSTED POP TARTS. EVER.............EVER.

So, rule #1 means when you decide to sit down with a package of Pop Tarts you are getting 400 calories and 40 sugars! This is why Pop Tarts are the food of children. It is not because we grow up and decide bran flakes are the proper thing to eat, it's because we are stuck at a desk all day and can't run around the yard all day pretending to be a dragon slayer and due to that we burn close to -35 calories a day. I love Pop Tarts. They are the pinnacle of pastries. When I spent about 50% of my day in constant motion I could chow down on them, but now when 71% (literally, I did the math)of my day is spent either at work or in bed I have to eat a Kashi bar with my eyes closed tight while I try my hardest to remember what it felt like as my teeth crunched down on a frosted outside, sugary filling, and a thin pastry crust.

Pre-Sports Music

Calm. Mild Mannered. Even keeled. These are terms that many people would probably use to describe me. Like most people, I tend to get pumped up and act like a contestant on "Wild and Crazy Kids" when I am with my friends. At work, church, pumping gas, or when I am covertly buying feminine hygiene products for the wife I am a pretty low-key dude. Shop at The Gap, listen to 1580 AM radio, have a lab, drive a Subaru, enjoy eating chicken at most meals, and I have no tattoos, body piercings, facial hair, or even gel in my hair. Boring, normal, white American.

This all changes when I am gearing up to play the high octane, severely contact sports that are tennis, Ultimate frisbee, and long distance running (but not too long distance thanks to my chronic asthma and love of all things chocolate). As I drive to the public parks to play these sports played by fathers, grandfathers, church goers, and girls I have to be 100% amped up for destruction. When I gently toss the frisbee so it floats over the head of that guy I know from the local organization against under age drinking and right into the hands of the girl who is in a prayer group with my wife I need adrenaline coursing through my veins like Bulls On Parade.

Bulls On Parade by Rage Against The Machine. This is one of my classic songs that I listen to as I drive 3 miles over the speed limit to play a pick up game of a sport where "The disk never lies" is how one decides confrontation. Please take the time to picture me driving down the road in my Subaru littered with stickers from National Parks while banging my head and screaming at the top of my lungs to the following lyrics.

"Come wit it now!
Come wit it now!
The microphone explodes, shattering the molds
Ya either drop tha hits like de la O or get tha f*** off tha commode
Wit tha sure shot, sure ta make tha bodies drop
Drop an don't copy yo, don't call this a co-opt
Terror rains drenchin', quenchin' tha thirst of tha power dons
That five sided fist-a-gon
Tha rotten sore on tha face of mother earth gets bigger
Tha triggers cold now empty ya purse

they rally round tha family! With a pocket full of shells
They rally round tha family! With a pocket full of shells
They rally round tha family! With a pocket full of shells
They rally round tha family! With a pocket full of shells

Weapons not food, not homes, not shoes
Not need, just feed the war cannibal animal
I walk tha corner to tha rubble that used to be a library
Linin' to the mind cemetery now
What we don't know keeps tha contracts alive an movin'
They don't gotta burn tha books they just remove 'em
While arms warehouses fill as quick as tha cells
Rally round tha family, pockets full of shells

Rally round tha family! With a pocket full of shells
They rally round tha family! With a pocket full of shells
They rally round tha family! With a pocket full of shells
They rally round tha family! With a pocket full of shells

Bulls on parade!
Bulls on parade!
Bulls on parade!
Bulls on parade!
Bulls on parade!"

Notice how I put *stars* where the cuss word is in the song. I didn't do that simply because my wife would beat me up if I cussed on my blog, I did that because that is what I do when I am yelling along with Zack de la Rocha. I sing every word except for the curse words.

Another favorite of mine to listen to before I play in these games is "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" by Smashing Pumpkins.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZ8_dswW-18&feature=related

Yep, when I sit in church every week and sing lyrics like "You're the light in this darkness, you're the hope to the hopeless" apparently I am really thinking "The world is a vampire, sent to drain. Secret destroyers hold you up to the flame".

What is wrong with me? Why must I listen to music that promotes anarchy and despair before playing some of the most peaceful sports ever invented by man? Why do lyrics that don't jive with who I am as a person seem to pump me up so much? Is it necessary for me to believe that I would rally around my family with a pocket full of shells while secret destroyers hold me up to flame just to volley a little fuzzy greenish yellow ball back at my opponent?

I don't know, but I do know that upon reaching my destination I am eager to violently embarrass my opponent, I am ready to punch someone in the gut as I slowly count to ten while they hold a frisbee looking for an open man, and more than anything I am just really really worn out and ready to take a nap.

3-D

So, it is looking more and more like 3-D is here to stay. Currently movies that were filmed in 2-D are being doctored up after the fact to be 3-D and most blockbuster type movies planned for the future are planned to be filmed in 3-D. TVs are even starting to come out in 3-D although most of us won't be able to afford one until after the Apocalypse.

I have only seen two movies in 3-D and they were Up and Avatar. Up was lame. Avatar was wild. Avatar was such an event type movie that I enjoyed the 3-D but at the same time it made it more of an event and less of a movie I could immerse myself in.

I have two main problems with 3-D today. One is the glasses. I understand the need for the glasses for it to work but until we figure out a way to do 3-D without them I will not be a fan. The entire time I watch a movie in 3-D I think two things. The first thing I think is, "Wow, this movie looks amazing. How in the world is it three dimensional?". The second thing I think is, "Wow, these glasses are so annoying. how in the world am I supposed to focus on the movie with these things on my face?". Not good. Apparently Nintendo is coming out with a Nintendo 3D DS which will be in 3D and may not require glasses. If this technology works and they can work it into the movie platform this will alleviate one of my issues.

My other issue is the price. In Columbus the prices are $11.75 a piece right now or $9.25 for matinee. For real? I pay $18.18 a month to be a 3 DVD at a time member of Netflix. Let's figure I watch 2 (I watch way more) movies a week, or 8.67 movies a month. That means I pay $2.10 a movie for both Katherine and myself to watch it, compared to $23.50 at the theater in 3-D. Over 11 times more! Now, I love going to the movies. It is one of my favorite past times. But, I also take pride in running a good family budget and there is just no way this works into it.

In the past people who spend like crazy have affected very few but themselves. But, because 3-D movies keep breaking records production companies are not only making more movies in 3-D, but getting more screens switched to 3-D and raising the prices even more. If you will pay it they will charge it. So I just want to take this time to thank all of the people out there who despite the scary economy are spending so much money on 3-D that I may never be able to afford it again. Call me cheap, but I am not paying 11 times more that I have to for any product.

Anyways, I am not a fan of 3-D. Too expensive and the glasses make me feel like I am watching a movie and less like I am a cat like pirate wearing a suit made of iron while floating in a house held aloft by balloons. Everyone else enjoy the theaters, I will be at home remembering we are in a recession.

Beaver Run Pool

As the weather slowly, and I mean slowly, starts to look more and more like spring I fondly think back to my childhood summer days spent at the Beaver Run pool. I think the Beaver Run pool was special because it allowed me to have an experience similar to growing up with a local pool in the 60's. It was safe, it was cold, it was crowded, it smelled of mass quantities of sunscreen and chlorine, and there was usually a lifeguard dressed in red. Looking back I know none of these life guards were "lookers" but as a 12 year old boy I thought they were my Wendy Peppercorn.

Summer days would run into each other and really the only day that was different from the others was Sunday because I had church. Other than Sunday I was at the pool almost every day of the summer from about 11 years of age to 15. When my friends would get dropped off by their parents at my house we would spend the day at the pool and the other kids wouldn't even introduce themselves, they were just melded into the group without question. One more kid for pool games was something to be celebrated not questioned.

As a younger kid I would try and get involved in the pick up games of Shark but the older kids would dominate me. Flying overhead, diving underneath, or just swimming around me there was no catching them. I was an extra body but not much of a competitive one. Over the years I found myself soaring over the heads of 10 year old sharks treading water right in front of me. At the time I felt like I watched myself become a man at the Beaver Run pool.

What made the games of Shark so special was not just swimming from one side to the other but the massive chains we would for to protect our friends from being Shark, jumping wildly into the pool while screaming, "Shark Bait" and trying to surprise the person who is the shark, and best of all was whispering your plan to a friend to do a "Drain Chain" and it done correctly reach the other side without any semblance of being caught.

Nothing as an adult can compete with the all inclusiveness that Shark felt like. When I would head to the pool on a Wednesday afternoon and feel the sting of over chlorinated water on my eyes there were no worries in the world. School was months away, work was non existent, girls were exciting but not in the picture yet, and Shark was all that mattered. The only thing I can be grateful for is when the life guard yells, "Adult Swim", I can continue swimming and don't have to try and avoid boredom for 10 to 15 minutes.

Operation Repo

As I have stated in earlier posts, the new baby has my wife and I stuck in doors for agonizing amounts of time. The day we can take her up to Pine Mountain and hike a few miles will be a day I can't contain my excitement. Like most Americans one thing that takes up much of my time while indoors is a TV. We have many many shows that currently are set to record each week. The ones that are currently in a season that we are watching are SNL, The Soup, Tosh.O, The Office, Parks and Recreation, Community, 30 Rock, House, Lost, American Idol, and embarrassingly Project Runway. Thats a lot of TV. If you take American Idol into account that is about 175 hours of TV per week! We are stuck inside so much that this somehow is not enough. We go through movies from Netflix like there is a minimum requirement for the amount of movies seen to get into heaven at the end of our life.

This weekend I found a new show I liked, no, loved. Operation Repo. It is similar to Dog The Bounty Hunter but the people on the show are somewhat less skeezy and the job is somewhat less sketchy. Katherine and I watched in amazement as people became livid over their vehicles being repossessed after they had failed to make payments for 4 months. Words were said, fists were thrown, mace was sprayed, and guns were pulled.

The first episode that first made me question the reality of the show was one that saw the repo group go to a secluded plot of land that was owned by gang members. When the gang members saw them it led to gun fire and the repo guys jumping in the car and swiftly leaving the scene. The camera showed the car drive quickly away. Wait. What? The camera angle showed them drive quickly away? That means the camera crew was left with violent gang members who were shooting with the intent to kill. Okay.

A few days later the episode had them pull up to a home that the guys car whom the were repossessing was parked at. He was a pool cleaner and was supposed to be cleaning the pool. They rang the front door but no one answered so they went around back to check out the pool. When the repo guy got back there the pool guy came out of the house shirtless and buttoning his pants. A woman still in lingerie followed. And then another woman buttoning up her shirt came out. Seemed like something right out of a movie, not something out of a reality show that is in fact based on reality.

I got suspicious and looked it up on the internet. Turns out this show is simply based on real events. They use paid actors to reenact these events and I am sure they don't add any drama to these situations or make up situations! Lame. There is a warning before the show starts that says as much but is worded in such a way that unless you are really paying attention you don't catch on to. I have never been a big fan of reality television and this finished me off. My only question is if this is based on reality couldn't they have found someone who looked less like the love child of Satan, Ursula from Little Mermaid, and Pennywise the clown from It to play Sonia.