My Un-cool Guilty Pleasure

I am not cool. I never have been cool. I never will be cool. I once cried at school in the seventh grade. I had an understanding with the Principal in high school that if I left the cafeteria without permission it was because my Gerd was acting up and I needed to go vomit. I got in trouble in college for reading a book during a professor lecture. I am not cool.

Unfortunately, like everyone else on the planet Earth I try and convince others, sometimes even myself, that I am cool. In 5th grade I tried to play the part by getting a leather jacket. As about 75 pounds I sadly looked more like a kid wearing his older brother’s hand-me-downs than like James Dean. In 6th grade I decided I got a sweet pair of Shawn Kemp’s to wear. Somehow in my mind I decided that owning a pair of Shawn Kemp meant that I would be a baller at basketball even though I had never played. So I went down to the local YMCA, joined a team, showed up to practice, and was embarrassed to realize that I had to shoot granny style for free throws because I was so weak. The stories are endless, but they all have one conclusion. Not matter how hard I try I will never be cool.

Some people have “it”. You can’t describe “it” but they have it. They walk cool, they talk cool, they dance cool, they chew cool, they get shot cool, they date other cool people, they probably even poop cool. Obviously a lot of celebrities have this “it” quality, but there are many among us mere mortals that have it also. The rest of us strive for “it” and fail miserably.

And thus comes my guilty pleasure. I LOVE to catch people in the act of trying to be cool and failing miserably. I love it not because I am a mean spirited person. That would not be logical, because like I just told you I am also very un-cool but try hard to be. I love it because I feel like I see a little bit of humanity in them when they do this. I love remembering that we are all someone’s little son or daughter just grown up now and trying really hard to make others like us. I love remembering that no matter how hard, sexy, funny, or cool we act deep down we are trying to hide the fact that we are insecure people that are seeking approval. The Christian in me loves it because it reminds me that no matter how hard we act like we are doing good on our own, we are failing miserably at it.

I have two examples of this that are my favorite. The first is solely for girls. Let me paint you a picture. You are out to dinner with your friends and you notice an attractive, young girl sitting across the restaurant dining with her boyfriend. She clearly spent hours curling her hair so it has that perfect bounce, putting on makeup so it has that look that seems as if it took no effort but actually took tons of effort, she is wearing an outfit that is probably the fourth or fifth one she tried on. She looks great and you are happy for her that she probably is winning that guy over easily. You watch as she dabs at her lips with her napkin and excuses herself to the ladies room. She stands up to walk to the restroom and…….wobbles across the restaurant. Yes, I LOVE it when girls try and wear high heels and fail miserably at pulling it off. Heels serve no purpose other than looking sexy/cool, so when a girl wears them and it has the complete opposite effect that she was going for I just eat it up.

My next example applies to both guys and girls, but most typically to young teenagers around 16 years old. If there is one thing that many, many iconic movie stars have in common whether it is in real life or simply while portraying a character it is that they smoke a cigarette really really cool. You could be walking out of your grandfather’s funeral who died of lung cancer, and happen to see Brad Pitt smoking in Fight Club on a passing TV and I guarantee for at least one split second you will think he looks freakin’ awesome. So, while smoking might be one of the dumbest things on the entire planet to do I understand why a teenager whose brain is basically retarded would think smoking is a great idea. The part that is hilarious is that NO ONE looks cool when learning to smoke. Even after the teenager gets used to the taste of smoke, they still don’t know how to hold it right, don’t know how inhale right, don’t know how to exhale right, don’t know how to pack them right. And, then even if they learn how do all that they still look like a person not finished with puberty trying really hard to look older. My best example of this was from a few months ago. I was driving through town and passed a girl who was smoking a cigarette in her car. But due to the cold she barely had the window cracked. When she went to ash out the window the entire red hot ember decided not to fly out of the car, but instead directly into the seat behind her. Again she was trying REALLY hard to look cool but somehow managed to look extremely uncool in the process.

While I do enjoy my guilty pleasure it has one very serious side effect. Because I enjoy watching others fail at being cool so much, I am constantly paranoid that others are doing the same to me. So, when you see me out on the town wearing my high heels and smoking my menthol cigs just turn the other way and make sure I don’t see you giggling.

What They Don't Tell You in Harry Potter

According to one Christian author Harry Potter as a series is going to “put untold millions of kids into hell”. Indubitably! Okay, I am not totally sure if I am using that word but it sure is fun to say and even more fun to type! For real though, I agree with the Christians that say Harry Potter is a horrible, wicked thing.
Like untold millions of girls, boys, teens, moms, dads, grandparents, fantasy fans, midgets, and probably even a few people into homosexual animal polygamy I have greatly enjoyed the HP series. Started out fun and fantasmical and quickly turned into a dark story that keeps your blood pumping from page 1 to page 31,615. I am a huge fan, but I still think this book is sending us all to hell. I do not think this because it includes wizards, witches, unicorn blood, or even a chaste homosexual wizard who takes a strange interest in his 16 year old student. The little bit of wisdom I have picked up in my 27 years has shown me that it takes more than reading a book involving fictional wizards to send someone to hell.
Why then do I feel it will damn us all? Here is why.

The Harry Potter series takes these children by train from the boring, unsophisticated muggle world to a magical world of butter beer and love potions. The train to Hogwarts is simply beautiful. Pristine in every way. Not only that, the view is spectacular. Not only that, they have little rooms that are private and fun and comfy. Not only that, they have a cart that comes by and sells candy for reasonable prices. Not only that, they take this journey with their closest friends. Not only that, there is only one stop and that stop is freakin’ Hogwarts.
You know how your mom taught you as a child that white lies quickly become these hairy, ferocious, tangled webs that you could never hope to free yourself from? Well, if so then in this one simple detail about trains has told a fib big enough that is will send each and every one of it’s readers to hell. Maybe not the hell from the Bible, but a hell non the less.
The hell it will send you to is the hell where you decide a trip to Europe would be amazing. And it will be, but won’t be amazing is getting from one country to another. The “affordable” train tickets will lure you in and the magical tale that J.K. Rawling weaved of trains will make you joyfully look forward to your trip.
Suddenly it is train riding day. When I say day, I mean night because everyone advises to ride the train at night so you have more “day” hours in actual countries. You show up to the station dressed in your finest attire. I mean, you might meet a Slitherin and nobody wants to look dumpy around a Slitherin and get made fun of! Immediately your magical thoughts are dashed when you step up to the ticket booth and the ticket salesman and he tries to explain this confusing algorithm of a train schedule to you in broken English. You finally get your tickets just praying that it will take you where you need to go and sit down to wait on your train. You wait, and wait, and get coughed on by a old lady clearly from Eastern Europe (you can tell because the smell of communism), you wait, and wait, and eat a cold deli sandwich because Europe is too classy for a Mcdonalds, you wait, and wait, and….oooooooo, the train is here.
When I said oooooooooo, I meant ewwwwwwwwwwwww. The train is here and it looks sketch and gross. Despite the smell of strange cheese everyone rushes aboard, to wait in line as they walk down thin corridors to find their room. You finally reach your room and pull the door open. Where are Ron, Hermione, and your pet owl? All I see are three really creepy looking German guys who appear drunk and have every light in the room on despite the fact that it is now 2am. Oh well, at least that Eastern European lady isn’t coughing on you anymore and you can take this heavy bag, that cost almost as much as your entire trip, off of your back. But wait, reminiscent to the Germans from WW2 these Germans have taken control of all valuable land space. Bags, liquor bottles, trash, cigarettes are strewn across the compartment and there is only about 2 inches of space left on your seat. Leaving you backpack on you squish into the 2 inches and frantically look out the window every 5 minutes when the train comes to a stop and you are unsure if it is your stop or not. Eventually you ignore the stops and try and get comfortable and wait for the Germans to get the hint that you are both tired and claustrophobic.
The Germans do not get the hint. At 5am you finally manage to sign language to them that you are tired. Looking annoyed that you are sleepy they concede and let you pull your bed out. At 5:15 am while clutching your money waist belt for dear life you slowly find sleep. At 5:16am the train employee opens the door to check passports. At 5:17am a lady with a smelly sandwich cart comes around you buy one. It only cost 1 Euro! Later you will find out that the conversion rate meant you spent $515 on that sandwich.
At 5:18am you arrive at your destination. At least you think it’s your destination. Everything is in French and you aren’t really sure. Praying harder than you’ve prayed since that time you tried to sleep on a train with some German guys you step off the train just hoping this is your stop.
Suddenly you realize that Harry Potter’s full of crap, man.
The only solace you can find in the entire situation is that riding a train is still way better than flying RyanAir.

The Non Chewer

I dated a lot of crazy girls in my time before I found my wife. Some men consider themselves “blond guys”, or “a leg man”, or even “into Asians”. Lots of different preferences but most of them have to do with appearances. Somehow along the way I became a man that fancied a girl with a little touch of crazy. And when I say a little touch of crazy, I mean my dating history reads like a list of Batman’s enemies.

One particular girl that I went on a few dates with is now known as, “The Non Chewer”. Everyone has one or two “crushes” in high school that are rather major. High schoolers tend to like one girl/guy one week and move onto another girl/guy the next, but these same kids also have one or two crushes that last for years. The Non Chewer was one of  the ones that stuck around for awhile. I barely knew the girl, but I had watched her from afar for quite some time when I finally found the courage to ask her on a date. By my own estimate I was somewhat of a loser in high school. I had great friends and always had stuff going on and I even sat at the cool table at lunch some semesters, but after school my friends and I spent our time having bottle rocket wars or playing video games instead of at the cool kid’s parties. I wasn’t Glee club material, but I also wasn’t baseball team material. So, when this girl said that she would go out with me I was pretty ecstatic.

I was sixteen, so a fancy Chinese restaurant was about the best I could afford. I figured Chinese food was my second favorite food (JAPANESE!!) and this girl was my second favorite crush so it was perfect. I picked the girl up and we headed out to dinner. I remember nothing of this date other than two things. I ate sesame chicken and it was amazing, and the girl showed a touch of crazy on our first date. Typically girls hide their crazy until it is too late to escape. You’ve met the family, you’ve introduced her to yours, you’ve signed up for classes together at school, all is well and then……..BAM, she thinks someone is stalking her twice a week and needs you to help.

The Non Chewer at least did me to courtesy of showing off her crazy before she had her fingers dug in deep. First of all after I ordered my sesame seed chicken, she ordered ONE egg roll. This is dinner and she ordered ONE egg roll. I am sure I should have been thankful to her for being a cheap date, but ONE egg roll is odd. No, ordering a kids meal would be odd. Ordering ONE egg roll for dinner was just down right creepy and worrisome. Whatever, at the time I thought she was hot. If she was only able to eat one egg roll for dinner to stay attractive then it could be overlooked. I had slept with a headgear just two years prior, so hey, whatever.

Once my sesame seed chicken and her ONE egg roll came I quickly dug in to my dinner. After a few moments she asked me to look away. I thought, “Oooo, maybe she is going to kiss my cheek when I look away! Maybe she is going to cut up some of that ONE egg roll and put it on my plate!” Neither of those things happened. Instead when I was instructed I could look at her again I noticed nothing had changed, except that she had one small bite missing from her ONE egg roll. Okay, crazy MIGHT be showing itself again but again she was attractive so I tried to overlook it.

A little more awkward conversation and a few more minutes of heaven between myself and my sesame seed chicken and she again asked me to turn my head. After I did so and then turned back to her nothing had changed except there were now two bites missing from her ONE egg roll. Yep, this girl did not want me to see her take a bite of food or chew her food. Girls often try and convince guys that they do not have bowel movements but never have before or since heard of a girl trying to convince someone that they were a Non Chewer.

And just like that I had a moment similar to in Sleeping Beauty when Maleficent turns from an attractive queen into a wretched smelling, fire breathing dragon. I would be fooled by many girls later in life, but this one had no skill with her craziness. She was too bold. I still see the girl occasionally around town, and I am sure she is just as pretty today as she was then but all I can see when I am around her is ONE egg roll sitting on a plate slowly disappearing one bite at a time.

Normal eating patterns become something that I looked out for in women when dating. Not all passed this test, but my wife did. On our first date I took her up to Warm Springs and we went to the Bullock House and she ate a normal, healthy amount of food. She didn’t eat more food than me and then vomit it up later (dated one of those too!), but she also didn’t eat ONE fried green tomato. That day was one of the first signs of many that she was the one for me.

You might like red heads, you might like tan skin, heck you might even be into pig nosed girls…but my word of advice is before you look into any of that make sure the girl will chew in public!

Razor Scooters Race

When I was in high school both of my brothers got a Razor scooter for Christmas. I am not quite sure why they thought this was a good idea. The Jones family is not known for balance, coordination, or athleticism in any way. Oh, we love sports, we just aren’t typically first picked….or second picked. Razor scooters were obviously created by a man that either hated children or has no understanding of children. Children as a whole tend to not be overly coordinated or be the best decision makers.

Sure a Razor scooter is perfectly safe on a flat, smooth surface while wearing a helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, mouthpiece, a cup, and bubblewrap. Perfectly safe! But, when you take a razor scooter and use it on a bumpy, hilly road with no protection at all except the extra fat that most kids carry around….well, trouble will soon follow.

Note the “fat protection” did little to help.

So anyways, my brothers got these things for Christmas and the pain began. Mostly little falls where the freakin’ tiny tire would hit a rock or divet in the road and send one of us flying of the handle bars. Soon we started attempting to jump our bike ramp with it. All I will say is that that was neither safe nor wise. The true problem was the fact that I was about 16 years old and had friends who spent LOTS of time at my house. We would quickly grow bored with video games and frisbees and look for good ol’ fashioned trouble (See my post of Jackass). The Razor scooter provided ample room for trouble.

A certain tall, lanky friend and I decided to climb the hill in front of my house and race down. The hill was probably about a 35 degree angle. Nothing too exciting on a bike, but on two pieces of metal welded together and two inline skate wheels stuck on the bottom it was frightening. As soon as we got to the top of the hill I think we both knew we were being idiots, but being boys neither of us were willing to back down. We started down the hill rather timidly, but with each second that we didn’t fall we gathered confidence. Suddenly our worries weren’t about our lives, but about winning this race. The wheels shook as they speed down the hill, the wind made our eyes water, our hearts pounded in our chest, and suddenly three frisbees flew by our heads. Wait, what?

Yes, our other friend while watching us trek up the hill with razor scooters flung over our shoulders came up with a devious plan. He quickly grabbed a handful of frisbees and found a prime hiding spot at the bottom of the hill behind a bush. As we got about 3/4 of the way down the hill he jumped out from behind the bush and let loose all three frisbees. My friend racing behind my had nerves of steel that day and held his line, I meanwhile had my concentration on the bottom of the hill shattered, saw the discs flying at my face, and tried to veer slightly to the left. Only, there are no “slight” turns on a Razor scooter. You have one little wheel doing your turning, so my slight veer became me flying over the front of the scooter which itself made a quick stop. This was a very cool looking display of science and momentum, but it was also a very cool looking display of pain and anguish. I hit the pavement hard, but not hard enough to come to an immediate stop. In my mind I slid across the ground for a good 20 feet before coming to a slow stop.

The adrenaline flushed through my body and I had a moment like a mother who sees her child trapped under a car. Only my adrenaline was not focused on lifting a car it was focused on my friend. Luckily I love him and did not want to hurt him, and he took Jiu Jitsu lessons as a child and I don’t like being beaten up. So my adrenaline was not focused on lifting a car, or fighting my friend, but instead was focused on saying every curse word I had ever heard and making some new ones up all while screaming in my friends face. After my anger was calmed, and my friends stopped laughing we headed inside and let my mom bandage me up. Yes, my mom bandaged me up when I was sixteen. I was a momma’s boy and proud of it. I’ll blog on that later.

Weeks later after all my scrapes and bruises were healed up I would contemplate these event in my life. I definitely learned a few things. I learned that Razor scooters are the true killer, not cancer. I learned that I am only one skinned knee away from cursing out one of my dearest friends in the whole world. But most importantly I learned to never, ever, under any circumstance trust “one of your dearest friends in the whole world”.

Donkeybutt 3D

Recently eighteen of my friends of the male persuasion and I took a trip to the bank and withdrew our entire life savings. After pooling all of our money together we had enough money for seven of the nineteen to go see a 3D movie. After a particularly brutal fist fight the seven were chosen. Off to the movies we went. We went to go see a movie you may know by another name but which I will call Donkeybutt 3D. (My mom and wife read this blog so, I gotta keep it clean!)

If you have not seen this movie then most of what you know about it probably centers around pain, poo, and weiners. I must admit that this movie has a main course of pain, a side salad of poo, and a heaping bowl of weiner in it. Pain, poo, and weiner are not actually something that I typically enjoy being in my movies, or even on my dinner table but I love this movie regardless. Why do I love this movie? Because the main course of pain, the side salad of poo, and the heaping bowl of weiner are all wrapped in a delicious slice of joy.

Somehow the guys that filmed this movie were able to add laughter to a buffalo stampede, happiness to poop volcano, and joy to a woodpecker pecking at male genitalia. If you follow the Donkeybutt crew at all you know their lives are full of issues. Most of the crew is drunk or high during filming. Bam once had the least requested sex tape ever filmed of him and released. Steve-O recently won his battle with drug addiction. Don Vito couldn’t even be a part of filming thanks to a sexual assault charge. Bam couldn’t take part in most of the skits because of a beating he took to his head from some lady.

Not exactly lifestyles that are associated with joy. But, movies aren’t about what happens behind the scenes. Most of the time we are able to forget about who the actor is in real life and focus on the character they are playing. This is why Tom Cruise is still acting in Mission Impossible movies,Woody Allen and Roman Polanski still direct movies, and Mel Gibson is still making tons of great movies. Wait, forget that last one.

I know that these guys are completely crazy and have more problems than I could dream of. But it doesn’t matter because the characters they play in this movie are deliriously happy even during the grossest stunt. They rarely mention alcohol, they never mention drugs, they don’t chase girls, they rarely even make perverted jokes. It is as if 24/7 they spend their time spreading their poop on each other while skydiving naked into a shark tank. They aren’t, but they make you feel that way.

The joy that they portray makes me believe that this what life would look like if God had never created Eve, and Adam had never eaten that apple. I can picture my friends growing up and never hitting puberty and girls never becoming the center of our focus. Without the goal of attaining a female companion we could have quickly lead to a lifestyle similar to the one portrayed in this movie. I know this might sound far fetched but it really isn’t. When I was eight my friend had to get stitches after a fall from the monkey bars, when I was 10 I learned to build bike ramps, when I was 11 I started using the bike ramps for roller blades, when I 15 all my guy friends fell in love with mooning each other, when I was 18 my friend had a doctors visit after falling off a rope swing, when I was 19 my friend started a habit of pooping with the door open,when I was 21 two of my friends went swimming with alligators, when I was 22 I got married. Note how before I got married things were getting crazier and crazier? Now imagine we had not been chasing girls from the age of 13-21 and that I hadn’t got married at 22. Without women life would be one big Donkeybutt episode.

It wouldn’t been mean spirited or gross. It would be filled with joy. But, while I was laughing my head off with pleasure and dancing in circles from sheer delight a guy would rub poop on my upper lip and that is simply a lifestyle I do not want. No matter how happy I may be I don’t want poop on me and I don’t want to see all of my friends manhood every time I turn around.

So, Donkeybutt 3d was a very entertaining movie and made me envision a life that could have been, but more than anything else it gave me just one more reason to be thankful for the ever enticing act of coitous. Add it to the thousands of reasons I already listed sex under the awesome category.

Husband Nos Fashion

I'm a man that enjoys timeless things. Trends are not my bag. It often means I am not cool enough to hang out with the "in" crowd. I don't listen to the right bands, I don't read the right books, I don't use the right slang, I don't shake hands the right way, I don't do my hair the right way, etc, etc, etc.

Currently others are big into Lady Gaga, I am still big into The Rolling Stones. Others are big into skinny jeans, I still wear my loose fit jeans. Others are big into the X Games, I like the slow pace of baseball. Others are big into the Twilight books, I could read To Kill A Mockingbird over and over for the rest of my life. Others wear an emo haircut (the male Kate Gosselin do), I have the same haircut I had when I was 4.

Being into timeless things has it's drawbacks. In high school I could never land the girls I liked. If I ever hung out with high school kids they would think I was a grandpa even though I am only 10 years older than them. My legs don't look wonderfully skinny like those who shop for their pants in the girls department. When I picture a vampire I still picture a cape, not sparkles. Lady Gaga has over 1 billion views on Youtube of all of her videos combined, I just heard my first Lady Gaga song a few months ago...and I was scared.

So, yes not following trends sometimes make me seem like a hermit. But, it also has some wonderful advantages. Namely, photographic evidence of my past. When one follows trends they are inevitably dressing or acting in a way that is different than the historical norm. This is fine.What is not fine is that trends are ALWAYS changing. So, as the trend changes you have to change with it or else you are now going against the historical norm in a lonely and bad way.

Example: Hair in the 80's.

Now, I bet circa 1982 this girl was HAWT. Her hair was screaming, "I AM POPULAR AND TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT IS COOL. ALL GIRLS WISH THEY WERE ME". I am sure that as soon as big hair lost it's cool, this girl quickly changed her hair style. Had man not invented photography, all would be fine. Unfortunately, someone took a picture of her hair and it is now floating around the internet over 25 years later.

Photography is the number one reason you should not follow trends. I may not be super cool today, but I also don't have hundreds of pictures showing me look super uncool throughout my entire life. It doesn't matter how cool big hair was in the 80's, when you see the picture you see the horribleness of the trend not the coolness. My gray tennis shoes, blue jeans, and black polo might look boring today, but at least in 20 years when I see a photo of myself today I will still only look boring and not like an idiot.

So, why is the title of this post "Husband Nos Fashion"? While many women dream of a husband that knows fashion, I think my wife is happy to have a husband that nos fashion. Katherine will occasionally come to me and ask if she should get a particular article of clothing, and I will simply say, "No".

Okay, that isn't entirely true. The truth is Katherine will occasionally come to me and ask if she should get a particular article of clothing, and I will go into a long diatribe of why said article of clothing is the bane of my existence and how it will inevitably lead to the end of mankind.

After my long, heated lecture on the subject Katherine will often agree and put on her jeans and striped tshirt, throw her hair in a pony tail and look super sexy. If you look at my wife 4 1/2 years ago when we got married there will be no giggles. You will be overcome a desire to know her, because she is beautiful, cute, innocent, and best of all, classic. At least that's what happens when I look at her. Even if all that doesn't happen to you, you will surely notice that she looks pretty similar today to what she looked like 4 1/2 years ago. This is because her husband nos fashion.

A few items that have not made the cut in our household.

GAUCHOS

These were incredibly popular a few years ago and looking back they were some of the worst designed pants ever made. I’m not even sure why girls liked them in the first place. They are always complaining about their thighs, yet they suddenly want to wear pants that are tight on their thighs and huge everywhere else? Makes you look like a lumpy pirate.

BANGS

I often make the argument that straight bangs make a girl look like a Yorkshire puppy. I realize that this argument makes no sense, but it feels right in my heart. Instead of sticking to that argument I will instead showing you two different pictures of the same girl. One with bangs, the other without. One she looks like she is wearing a bad wig, the other she looks like she could be a super model or something.

UGG BOOTS

Granted, Kat does have a pair of these that she wore when we went to Montana and Washington. That’s fine, we all look like goobers when it’s cold. But, when they become a problem is when you wear them with shorts or skirts. Clearly, according to these girls clothes the weather is warm but for some reason they have winter boots on. Not only do these ladies look strange, but I bet their feet smell rather strange when they take the boots off. Cowboy boots with skirts/shorts fall in a similar vein. Either you are ready for a rodeo or you are not. If wearing something makes your mini skirt look even easier, maybe you should pass.

As for me, I will continue my fight for classic, timeless things. All I ask from you is that when that next cool thing comes along just imagine your 65 year old self looking back at a photo of it and then make your decision.

Soapy Mouth

I have unknowingly propelled my 9 month old daughter on a path to a childhood of soapy mouth. I know what you are thinking, “But Brandon, you are such an attractive, intelligent, amazing guy. I can’t ever see curse words spilling from your mouth, much less while in front of your daughter”. That is sweet of you. I am pleased to know you think so highly of me! And, while you are slightly over exaggerating (only slightly) on the attractive, intelligent, and amazing part you are correct that I normally keep a good lock down on my words and especially while in front of my baby girl. I still have tons of work to do when it comes to words like crap, butt, retarded, gay, and balls. In fact I have a really bad habit of saying “Eff” where most people would throw out a curse word that starts with F. These are words that must go and will go, but I am already good when it comes to the actual socially accepted curse words.

So, if I don’t use the big bad words and am assuring you I will knock out my little, naughty words before Mckinley can speak then why do I say I am sure that she will one day have her teeth digging into a bar of Irish Springs? My music, that’s why. Recently Katherine and I were driving to Atlanta and she suddenly told me that there was no way I would ever be able to listen to my ipod around Mckinley as she got older. I was surprised and asked her why she felt that way and she simply told me to listen to the lyrics of the song that was playing and then picture Mckinley at 3 years old walking through a store singing these lyrics.

She was right! These lyrics while funny to me and actually often ignored as background noise will certainly seep into the mind of my daughter and out of her precious little lips. I was on a mission after this point to find as many of the lyrics that would be hilarious and yet awful coming out of my child’s mouth. Note, that I do not listen to rap, hard rock, or even the Boys II Men song, “I’ll Make Love to You” but I still have some pretty interesting lyrics for her to repeat. Most of these lyrics aren’t filled with curse words, but you must picture the words coming out of the mouth of this little girl.

Some of these lyrics might not require her to have soap in her mouth due to bad words, but because everyone will think she is a child from a scary movie if she sings them.

“Everybody wants to be naked and famous, everybody wants to be just like me, I’m naked and famous” Presidents of the USA

“Slittin' my throat it's all I ever had” Red Hot Chili Peppers

“And it was fun fun fun, When we were drinking, It was fun fun fun, When we were drunk, And it was fun fun fun, When we were laughing
It was fun fun fun, Oh it was fun” Noah and the Whale

“Give me my money back, give me my money back, you b****”

“GIVE ME MY MONEY, B****”

“36-24-36, I want lots of pretty chicks, 36-24-36” Violent Femmes

“Excuse me please, one more drink, Could you make it strong, Cause I don't need to think” DMB

“I’ve seen your sister naked, ain’t nothing I tried to see………ribs and whiskey making my mind feel tight, whiskey making my body feel hot” Widespread Panic

“Gonna take this sack of puppies. Gonna set it out to freeze. Gonna climb around on all fours 'til all the blood falls out my knees.” Modest Mouse

“Said I want to spread the news, that if it feels this good getting used, you just keeping on using me, until you use me up” Bill Withers

“Ooooh, I need a dirty woman. Ooooh, I need a dirty girl.” Pink Floyd

"I love killing puppies by way of frost bite”

“Jesus don’t want me for a sunbeam, sunbeams are never made like me” Nirvana

“So turn off the lights and close the doors, but what We don’t love the ho’s yeah, So we gonna smoke an ounce today, G’s up ho’s down while you mother f***ers bounce to this” The Gourds performing a Snoop Dogg song

“I may be going to hell in a bucket, babe But at least I'm enjoying the ride, at least I'll enjoy the ride.” Grateful Dead

“Gravedigger, When you dig my grave, Could you make it shallow, So that I can feel the rain” DMB

“Drivers are rude, Such attitudes, But when I show my piece, Complaints cease, Something's odd, I feel like I'm god, You stupid dumbs*** god**** motherf*****!” Offspring

“Jesus don’t want me for a sunbeam”

And the number one lyrics on my ipod that I just simply cannot allow Mckinley to grow up singing are the following lyrics by the Violent Femmes.

“I led her to a hole, a deep black well.
I said "make a wish, make sure and not tell and
close you're eyes dear, and count to seven.
You know your papa loves you, good children go to heaven.
You know your papa loves you, good children go to heaven.
I gave her a push, I gave her a shove.
I pushed with all my might, I pushed with all my love.
I threw my child into a bottomless pit.
She screaming as she fell, but I never heard her hit.
She screaming as she fell, but I never heard her hit.”

So, I am planning to make a playlist of music that is appropriate for my sweet child. I imagine it will mostly be made up of:

• Praise and Worship, but even then you have to be careful because out of context some Christian songs are pretty inappropriate
• Musicals such as The Sound of Music or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory yet excluding musicals like Sweeney Todd or even Grease
• Beatles music pre-drugs
• Alvin and the Chipmunks, pre-Chipettes singing Beyonce’s “Put A Ring On It”
• And surprisingly Phish since I have no problem with her singing about things as innocent as “the tires are the things on your car that make contact with the road” or “you’ve got to run like an antelope out of control”.

These are the things one does not think about when they decide to have a baby. You think about what sports your son will play, what school you will send them to, if you will let your daughter date in high school or not. You don’t think about what your favorite musicians are singing about and how you will have to listen to them while in hiding like a crack head, you don’t think about how one day your children are going to ask what movie you and mommy are going to see on a date night and “Hot Tub Time Machine” might not be something you want your daughter to know about, you don’t think about how your TV has pay per view options listed like “Dirty Dumpster Girls 34” and “MILFS Do It Best 16”.

So, if you are not yet a parent and you ever think about becoming one. You may want to check your ipod and make sure it doesn’t have anything on it like

“The last time that I saw you, August of '99,
I should've had my hammer and a few rusty spikes
to nail you on a wall and use bottles to catch your blood
and display you for the neighbors so they know your time had come.
And I'd drink your blood and feel it dripping down my throat
as it heads for my heart.
And as your body sags and the stench rises in vain,
the people on the street are collecting in dismay.
Before your eyes your head lifts towards the sky
and that's the last thing they'll remember of you.” – Saves the Day