The Non Chewer

I dated a lot of crazy girls in my time before I found my wife. Some men consider themselves “blond guys”, or “a leg man”, or even “into Asians”. Lots of different preferences but most of them have to do with appearances. Somehow along the way I became a man that fancied a girl with a little touch of crazy. And when I say a little touch of crazy, I mean my dating history reads like a list of Batman’s enemies.

One particular girl that I went on a few dates with is now known as, “The Non Chewer”. Everyone has one or two “crushes” in high school that are rather major. High schoolers tend to like one girl/guy one week and move onto another girl/guy the next, but these same kids also have one or two crushes that last for years. The Non Chewer was one of  the ones that stuck around for awhile. I barely knew the girl, but I had watched her from afar for quite some time when I finally found the courage to ask her on a date. By my own estimate I was somewhat of a loser in high school. I had great friends and always had stuff going on and I even sat at the cool table at lunch some semesters, but after school my friends and I spent our time having bottle rocket wars or playing video games instead of at the cool kid’s parties. I wasn’t Glee club material, but I also wasn’t baseball team material. So, when this girl said that she would go out with me I was pretty ecstatic.

I was sixteen, so a fancy Chinese restaurant was about the best I could afford. I figured Chinese food was my second favorite food (JAPANESE!!) and this girl was my second favorite crush so it was perfect. I picked the girl up and we headed out to dinner. I remember nothing of this date other than two things. I ate sesame chicken and it was amazing, and the girl showed a touch of crazy on our first date. Typically girls hide their crazy until it is too late to escape. You’ve met the family, you’ve introduced her to yours, you’ve signed up for classes together at school, all is well and then……..BAM, she thinks someone is stalking her twice a week and needs you to help.

The Non Chewer at least did me to courtesy of showing off her crazy before she had her fingers dug in deep. First of all after I ordered my sesame seed chicken, she ordered ONE egg roll. This is dinner and she ordered ONE egg roll. I am sure I should have been thankful to her for being a cheap date, but ONE egg roll is odd. No, ordering a kids meal would be odd. Ordering ONE egg roll for dinner was just down right creepy and worrisome. Whatever, at the time I thought she was hot. If she was only able to eat one egg roll for dinner to stay attractive then it could be overlooked. I had slept with a headgear just two years prior, so hey, whatever.

Once my sesame seed chicken and her ONE egg roll came I quickly dug in to my dinner. After a few moments she asked me to look away. I thought, “Oooo, maybe she is going to kiss my cheek when I look away! Maybe she is going to cut up some of that ONE egg roll and put it on my plate!” Neither of those things happened. Instead when I was instructed I could look at her again I noticed nothing had changed, except that she had one small bite missing from her ONE egg roll. Okay, crazy MIGHT be showing itself again but again she was attractive so I tried to overlook it.

A little more awkward conversation and a few more minutes of heaven between myself and my sesame seed chicken and she again asked me to turn my head. After I did so and then turned back to her nothing had changed except there were now two bites missing from her ONE egg roll. Yep, this girl did not want me to see her take a bite of food or chew her food. Girls often try and convince guys that they do not have bowel movements but never have before or since heard of a girl trying to convince someone that they were a Non Chewer.

And just like that I had a moment similar to in Sleeping Beauty when Maleficent turns from an attractive queen into a wretched smelling, fire breathing dragon. I would be fooled by many girls later in life, but this one had no skill with her craziness. She was too bold. I still see the girl occasionally around town, and I am sure she is just as pretty today as she was then but all I can see when I am around her is ONE egg roll sitting on a plate slowly disappearing one bite at a time.

Normal eating patterns become something that I looked out for in women when dating. Not all passed this test, but my wife did. On our first date I took her up to Warm Springs and we went to the Bullock House and she ate a normal, healthy amount of food. She didn’t eat more food than me and then vomit it up later (dated one of those too!), but she also didn’t eat ONE fried green tomato. That day was one of the first signs of many that she was the one for me.

You might like red heads, you might like tan skin, heck you might even be into pig nosed girls…but my word of advice is before you look into any of that make sure the girl will chew in public!