Donkeybutt 3D

Recently eighteen of my friends of the male persuasion and I took a trip to the bank and withdrew our entire life savings. After pooling all of our money together we had enough money for seven of the nineteen to go see a 3D movie. After a particularly brutal fist fight the seven were chosen. Off to the movies we went. We went to go see a movie you may know by another name but which I will call Donkeybutt 3D. (My mom and wife read this blog so, I gotta keep it clean!)

If you have not seen this movie then most of what you know about it probably centers around pain, poo, and weiners. I must admit that this movie has a main course of pain, a side salad of poo, and a heaping bowl of weiner in it. Pain, poo, and weiner are not actually something that I typically enjoy being in my movies, or even on my dinner table but I love this movie regardless. Why do I love this movie? Because the main course of pain, the side salad of poo, and the heaping bowl of weiner are all wrapped in a delicious slice of joy.

Somehow the guys that filmed this movie were able to add laughter to a buffalo stampede, happiness to poop volcano, and joy to a woodpecker pecking at male genitalia. If you follow the Donkeybutt crew at all you know their lives are full of issues. Most of the crew is drunk or high during filming. Bam once had the least requested sex tape ever filmed of him and released. Steve-O recently won his battle with drug addiction. Don Vito couldn’t even be a part of filming thanks to a sexual assault charge. Bam couldn’t take part in most of the skits because of a beating he took to his head from some lady.

Not exactly lifestyles that are associated with joy. But, movies aren’t about what happens behind the scenes. Most of the time we are able to forget about who the actor is in real life and focus on the character they are playing. This is why Tom Cruise is still acting in Mission Impossible movies,Woody Allen and Roman Polanski still direct movies, and Mel Gibson is still making tons of great movies. Wait, forget that last one.

I know that these guys are completely crazy and have more problems than I could dream of. But it doesn’t matter because the characters they play in this movie are deliriously happy even during the grossest stunt. They rarely mention alcohol, they never mention drugs, they don’t chase girls, they rarely even make perverted jokes. It is as if 24/7 they spend their time spreading their poop on each other while skydiving naked into a shark tank. They aren’t, but they make you feel that way.

The joy that they portray makes me believe that this what life would look like if God had never created Eve, and Adam had never eaten that apple. I can picture my friends growing up and never hitting puberty and girls never becoming the center of our focus. Without the goal of attaining a female companion we could have quickly lead to a lifestyle similar to the one portrayed in this movie. I know this might sound far fetched but it really isn’t. When I was eight my friend had to get stitches after a fall from the monkey bars, when I was 10 I learned to build bike ramps, when I was 11 I started using the bike ramps for roller blades, when I 15 all my guy friends fell in love with mooning each other, when I was 18 my friend had a doctors visit after falling off a rope swing, when I was 19 my friend started a habit of pooping with the door open,when I was 21 two of my friends went swimming with alligators, when I was 22 I got married. Note how before I got married things were getting crazier and crazier? Now imagine we had not been chasing girls from the age of 13-21 and that I hadn’t got married at 22. Without women life would be one big Donkeybutt episode.

It wouldn’t been mean spirited or gross. It would be filled with joy. But, while I was laughing my head off with pleasure and dancing in circles from sheer delight a guy would rub poop on my upper lip and that is simply a lifestyle I do not want. No matter how happy I may be I don’t want poop on me and I don’t want to see all of my friends manhood every time I turn around.

So, Donkeybutt 3d was a very entertaining movie and made me envision a life that could have been, but more than anything else it gave me just one more reason to be thankful for the ever enticing act of coitous. Add it to the thousands of reasons I already listed sex under the awesome category.

Husband Nos Fashion

I'm a man that enjoys timeless things. Trends are not my bag. It often means I am not cool enough to hang out with the "in" crowd. I don't listen to the right bands, I don't read the right books, I don't use the right slang, I don't shake hands the right way, I don't do my hair the right way, etc, etc, etc.

Currently others are big into Lady Gaga, I am still big into The Rolling Stones. Others are big into skinny jeans, I still wear my loose fit jeans. Others are big into the X Games, I like the slow pace of baseball. Others are big into the Twilight books, I could read To Kill A Mockingbird over and over for the rest of my life. Others wear an emo haircut (the male Kate Gosselin do), I have the same haircut I had when I was 4.

Being into timeless things has it's drawbacks. In high school I could never land the girls I liked. If I ever hung out with high school kids they would think I was a grandpa even though I am only 10 years older than them. My legs don't look wonderfully skinny like those who shop for their pants in the girls department. When I picture a vampire I still picture a cape, not sparkles. Lady Gaga has over 1 billion views on Youtube of all of her videos combined, I just heard my first Lady Gaga song a few months ago...and I was scared.

So, yes not following trends sometimes make me seem like a hermit. But, it also has some wonderful advantages. Namely, photographic evidence of my past. When one follows trends they are inevitably dressing or acting in a way that is different than the historical norm. This is fine.What is not fine is that trends are ALWAYS changing. So, as the trend changes you have to change with it or else you are now going against the historical norm in a lonely and bad way.

Example: Hair in the 80's.

Now, I bet circa 1982 this girl was HAWT. Her hair was screaming, "I AM POPULAR AND TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT IS COOL. ALL GIRLS WISH THEY WERE ME". I am sure that as soon as big hair lost it's cool, this girl quickly changed her hair style. Had man not invented photography, all would be fine. Unfortunately, someone took a picture of her hair and it is now floating around the internet over 25 years later.

Photography is the number one reason you should not follow trends. I may not be super cool today, but I also don't have hundreds of pictures showing me look super uncool throughout my entire life. It doesn't matter how cool big hair was in the 80's, when you see the picture you see the horribleness of the trend not the coolness. My gray tennis shoes, blue jeans, and black polo might look boring today, but at least in 20 years when I see a photo of myself today I will still only look boring and not like an idiot.

So, why is the title of this post "Husband Nos Fashion"? While many women dream of a husband that knows fashion, I think my wife is happy to have a husband that nos fashion. Katherine will occasionally come to me and ask if she should get a particular article of clothing, and I will simply say, "No".

Okay, that isn't entirely true. The truth is Katherine will occasionally come to me and ask if she should get a particular article of clothing, and I will go into a long diatribe of why said article of clothing is the bane of my existence and how it will inevitably lead to the end of mankind.

After my long, heated lecture on the subject Katherine will often agree and put on her jeans and striped tshirt, throw her hair in a pony tail and look super sexy. If you look at my wife 4 1/2 years ago when we got married there will be no giggles. You will be overcome a desire to know her, because she is beautiful, cute, innocent, and best of all, classic. At least that's what happens when I look at her. Even if all that doesn't happen to you, you will surely notice that she looks pretty similar today to what she looked like 4 1/2 years ago. This is because her husband nos fashion.

A few items that have not made the cut in our household.

GAUCHOS

These were incredibly popular a few years ago and looking back they were some of the worst designed pants ever made. I’m not even sure why girls liked them in the first place. They are always complaining about their thighs, yet they suddenly want to wear pants that are tight on their thighs and huge everywhere else? Makes you look like a lumpy pirate.

BANGS

I often make the argument that straight bangs make a girl look like a Yorkshire puppy. I realize that this argument makes no sense, but it feels right in my heart. Instead of sticking to that argument I will instead showing you two different pictures of the same girl. One with bangs, the other without. One she looks like she is wearing a bad wig, the other she looks like she could be a super model or something.

UGG BOOTS

Granted, Kat does have a pair of these that she wore when we went to Montana and Washington. That’s fine, we all look like goobers when it’s cold. But, when they become a problem is when you wear them with shorts or skirts. Clearly, according to these girls clothes the weather is warm but for some reason they have winter boots on. Not only do these ladies look strange, but I bet their feet smell rather strange when they take the boots off. Cowboy boots with skirts/shorts fall in a similar vein. Either you are ready for a rodeo or you are not. If wearing something makes your mini skirt look even easier, maybe you should pass.

As for me, I will continue my fight for classic, timeless things. All I ask from you is that when that next cool thing comes along just imagine your 65 year old self looking back at a photo of it and then make your decision.

Soapy Mouth

I have unknowingly propelled my 9 month old daughter on a path to a childhood of soapy mouth. I know what you are thinking, “But Brandon, you are such an attractive, intelligent, amazing guy. I can’t ever see curse words spilling from your mouth, much less while in front of your daughter”. That is sweet of you. I am pleased to know you think so highly of me! And, while you are slightly over exaggerating (only slightly) on the attractive, intelligent, and amazing part you are correct that I normally keep a good lock down on my words and especially while in front of my baby girl. I still have tons of work to do when it comes to words like crap, butt, retarded, gay, and balls. In fact I have a really bad habit of saying “Eff” where most people would throw out a curse word that starts with F. These are words that must go and will go, but I am already good when it comes to the actual socially accepted curse words.

So, if I don’t use the big bad words and am assuring you I will knock out my little, naughty words before Mckinley can speak then why do I say I am sure that she will one day have her teeth digging into a bar of Irish Springs? My music, that’s why. Recently Katherine and I were driving to Atlanta and she suddenly told me that there was no way I would ever be able to listen to my ipod around Mckinley as she got older. I was surprised and asked her why she felt that way and she simply told me to listen to the lyrics of the song that was playing and then picture Mckinley at 3 years old walking through a store singing these lyrics.

She was right! These lyrics while funny to me and actually often ignored as background noise will certainly seep into the mind of my daughter and out of her precious little lips. I was on a mission after this point to find as many of the lyrics that would be hilarious and yet awful coming out of my child’s mouth. Note, that I do not listen to rap, hard rock, or even the Boys II Men song, “I’ll Make Love to You” but I still have some pretty interesting lyrics for her to repeat. Most of these lyrics aren’t filled with curse words, but you must picture the words coming out of the mouth of this little girl.

Some of these lyrics might not require her to have soap in her mouth due to bad words, but because everyone will think she is a child from a scary movie if she sings them.

“Everybody wants to be naked and famous, everybody wants to be just like me, I’m naked and famous” Presidents of the USA

“Slittin' my throat it's all I ever had” Red Hot Chili Peppers

“And it was fun fun fun, When we were drinking, It was fun fun fun, When we were drunk, And it was fun fun fun, When we were laughing
It was fun fun fun, Oh it was fun” Noah and the Whale

“Give me my money back, give me my money back, you b****”

“GIVE ME MY MONEY, B****”

“36-24-36, I want lots of pretty chicks, 36-24-36” Violent Femmes

“Excuse me please, one more drink, Could you make it strong, Cause I don't need to think” DMB

“I’ve seen your sister naked, ain’t nothing I tried to see………ribs and whiskey making my mind feel tight, whiskey making my body feel hot” Widespread Panic

“Gonna take this sack of puppies. Gonna set it out to freeze. Gonna climb around on all fours 'til all the blood falls out my knees.” Modest Mouse

“Said I want to spread the news, that if it feels this good getting used, you just keeping on using me, until you use me up” Bill Withers

“Ooooh, I need a dirty woman. Ooooh, I need a dirty girl.” Pink Floyd

"I love killing puppies by way of frost bite”

“Jesus don’t want me for a sunbeam, sunbeams are never made like me” Nirvana

“So turn off the lights and close the doors, but what We don’t love the ho’s yeah, So we gonna smoke an ounce today, G’s up ho’s down while you mother f***ers bounce to this” The Gourds performing a Snoop Dogg song

“I may be going to hell in a bucket, babe But at least I'm enjoying the ride, at least I'll enjoy the ride.” Grateful Dead

“Gravedigger, When you dig my grave, Could you make it shallow, So that I can feel the rain” DMB

“Drivers are rude, Such attitudes, But when I show my piece, Complaints cease, Something's odd, I feel like I'm god, You stupid dumbs*** god**** motherf*****!” Offspring

“Jesus don’t want me for a sunbeam”

And the number one lyrics on my ipod that I just simply cannot allow Mckinley to grow up singing are the following lyrics by the Violent Femmes.

“I led her to a hole, a deep black well.
I said "make a wish, make sure and not tell and
close you're eyes dear, and count to seven.
You know your papa loves you, good children go to heaven.
You know your papa loves you, good children go to heaven.
I gave her a push, I gave her a shove.
I pushed with all my might, I pushed with all my love.
I threw my child into a bottomless pit.
She screaming as she fell, but I never heard her hit.
She screaming as she fell, but I never heard her hit.”

So, I am planning to make a playlist of music that is appropriate for my sweet child. I imagine it will mostly be made up of:

• Praise and Worship, but even then you have to be careful because out of context some Christian songs are pretty inappropriate
• Musicals such as The Sound of Music or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory yet excluding musicals like Sweeney Todd or even Grease
• Beatles music pre-drugs
• Alvin and the Chipmunks, pre-Chipettes singing Beyonce’s “Put A Ring On It”
• And surprisingly Phish since I have no problem with her singing about things as innocent as “the tires are the things on your car that make contact with the road” or “you’ve got to run like an antelope out of control”.

These are the things one does not think about when they decide to have a baby. You think about what sports your son will play, what school you will send them to, if you will let your daughter date in high school or not. You don’t think about what your favorite musicians are singing about and how you will have to listen to them while in hiding like a crack head, you don’t think about how one day your children are going to ask what movie you and mommy are going to see on a date night and “Hot Tub Time Machine” might not be something you want your daughter to know about, you don’t think about how your TV has pay per view options listed like “Dirty Dumpster Girls 34” and “MILFS Do It Best 16”.

So, if you are not yet a parent and you ever think about becoming one. You may want to check your ipod and make sure it doesn’t have anything on it like

“The last time that I saw you, August of '99,
I should've had my hammer and a few rusty spikes
to nail you on a wall and use bottles to catch your blood
and display you for the neighbors so they know your time had come.
And I'd drink your blood and feel it dripping down my throat
as it heads for my heart.
And as your body sags and the stench rises in vain,
the people on the street are collecting in dismay.
Before your eyes your head lifts towards the sky
and that's the last thing they'll remember of you.” – Saves the Day

Archie Andrews IS Zack Morris

Let me start this article with a question. Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night with some great idea and get very eager for morning to come so that you can better sort your thoughts? I am not an overly intelligent fellow so obviously I don’t wake up with a new form of math floating in my head or anything of that nature. I typically just wake up with an obscure song in my head like Vanilla Ice’s “Stop That Train” (note, not the ever popular Ice Ice Baby), so to wake up with an idea is an accomplishment for me. Well, I had one of those moments the other night and when I got up and logged onto my dial up AOL (okay, not really but wouldn’t that be awesome!) I discovered that some other person had already stolen my idea. I will not link you to his page because I am very eager for your approval and want to make it to easy for you to compare our two arguments and decide that his argument was better.

What is this genius (I was just told by spell check that I had misspelled genius and I changed it, so you should know that this blog is headed nowhere good) argument you ask? Saved By The Bell is simply an updated version of Archie Comics. Most ideas in media are recycled over and over again. I am convinced there are only 2 or 3 plots that all romantic comedies follow, and my wife is convinced all action movies are totally unbelievable and totally uncreative. “Failure To Launch” and “How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days” are basically the same movie. Most action movies are so similar I can’t even remember the plot to most of them. Jurassic Park 2 totally stole the whole dinosaur thing from Jurassic Park! We steal our ideas from all over the place, but nowhere is more random than Archie Comics. It’s just smart to steal from something obscure or old. When Coldplay stole the music for Viva La Vida they didn’t steal it from Michael Jackson or the even more popular Spice Girls, they stole it from some unknown dude named Joe Satriani. Smart. Now, onto my proof.

Archie Andrews IS Zack Morris

Zack is the 80’s/90’s version of Archie. They took Archie and added in a cool factor and subtracted out the ginger factor. Archie had a serious love triangle going with Veronica and Betty while Zack was more ambitious with a triangle of Kelly and “girls in general”. Archie was constantly in trouble with Mr Weatherbee while Zack was always undermining Mr. Belding. Both were somehow completely annoying yet amazing at the same time.

Jughead IS Screech

Jughead is Archie’s best friend, he is known by a nickname, he loves hamburgers, he wears a grey crown beanie that during one comic he loses and becomes less “Jughead” due to it, and he has very few distinguishable qualities other than that. Screech is Zack’s best friend, he is known by a nickname, he loves Lisa Turtle, in one episode he loses his red beret which makes him forget how to play chess, and he has very few distinguishable qualities other than that.

Reggie Mantle IS A.C. Slater

Reggie is somehow Archie’s worst enemy but also one of his best friends, is constantly in pursuit of Archie’s gal pal Veronica, is a jock, and has the character flaw of being conceited. Slater is somehow Zack’s worst enemy but also on of his best friends, is constantly in pursuit of Zack’s gal pal Kelly, is a jock, and has the character flaw of being misogynistic.

Betty Cooper IS Kelly Kapowski

Both are “All-American” girls, both are cheerleaders, both love the main character but occasionally date the enemy/friend character, and both used to make my heart beat a little faster. I may have grown out of my crush on Kelly, but that picture of Betty is still hot.

Mr Weatherbee IS Mr Belding

Pop Tate IS Max

Occasional love interest of Jughead’s Ethel IS occasional love interest of Screech’s Violet

You may have noticed a few main characters missing above. Saved By The Bell did venture out and have 3 main female characters instead of simply 2. All they really did was take Veronica Lodge and break her in to two separate characters.

Veronica Lodge IS Lisa Turtle/Jessie Spano

• Veronica attractive but not as attractive as Betty. Lisa and Jessie were pretty but not as pretty as Kelly.
• Veronica had the character flaw of being prideful of her money, Lisa had the character flaw of being materialistic, and Jessie had the character flaw of being awkwardly feminist and of getting addicted to caffeine pills.
• Veronica is one of the least liked characters from Archie comics, Jessie is one the least likeable characters on SBTB, and Lisa is one of the most forgettable characters on SBTB.

So, there is my argument. Dispute it if you must, but no one will dispute that Betty is one hot piece of cartoon booty.

Dear wife, If my attraction to a cartoon character in anyway offends you I completely apologize. On a completely unrelated note, we should totally go as Archie and Betty to Halloween this year. Love, Your Husband

The Most Hated Creatures on Earth

The other day I was contemplating what my 3 most hated animals in the world are. Hey, I have a lot of time to think while I feed my baby, don't question me on how I spend that time! After much thought my list came down to 1. Sharks 2. Alligators 3. Sharks

Basically I am really fearful of things that can attack me from underneath while I am swimming. Yes I know that sharks are on my list twice, but dangit, they are super scary! And yes, I know that crocodiles are more deadly than alligators but I've never seen a wild crocodile and I've seen lots of wild alligators so alligators win based on proximity to my home. I mean Haqqani (the terrorist) is a pretty scary dude but he lives in the middle east, so I am generally more scared of the guy in my neighborhood who never returns smiles.

My list has another thing in common other than all being underwater and that is that they can and do kill humans. Death should pretty much be a precursor for hating an animal in my opinion. Little yapping dogs are annoying but not deadly, while St. Bernards are awesome looking but one poke away from killing you. So, while we would all say we hate Shitzus more than we hate St. Bernards we are stupid for thinking that way.

My point is, the most common animal you will find on a list of Most Hated Animals is the cockroach. I get it, cockroaches aren't my favorite either but we need to break down the reasons we hate them to get to the truth of if they should be on the list. I believe the main reasons we say we hate cockroaches is they are difficult to kill, they are dirty, and sometimes they really freak us out with flight.

Difficult to Kill
One, if they ever make a movie about me that is what I want it to be called. Brandon Jones: Difficult to Kill. Being hard to kill isn't really a legit reason to hate something. Quick list of things that are hard to kill that we view as awesome for being difficult to kill.


There really is no cooler club than the club consisting of an angry grizzly bear, non Brandon Routh Superman, and a dude that survived 9 gun shots. Why would we hate the cock roach for being part of this list? When a cockroach comes running into the room we should really bow before it and ask if there is anything he needs us to get him to be more comfortable.

Dirty
This one makes sense on the surface. Roaches are dirty and they poop in your home and their poop.


You know what that is? It's something we allow to sit on our couches, to lay on our carpets, and to wallow in our beds. It is a dog's butt.

And, a litter box. We literally train cats to poop in our home. Whichever room has this litter box reeks of cat poo.

So, we don't actually hate roaches because they are dirty. They just aren't the cute and cuddly form of dirty that we prefer. If you take two pillows, one a cockroach walked across and the other a dog rubbed it's butt on I can assure you the first one is cleaner. If you take two rooms and one has a piece of roach poop in and the other has a piece of cat poop I again can assure you that the first room is cleaner. But, cats and dogs are furry and don't know how to walk to swell when they are first born so we overlook their nastiness.

Flight
This comes down to jealousy. Flight is awesome. We can't do it. We suck, roaches rule. We love flight, just look at the list of movies that grossed over 1 billion worldwide.

1. Avatar - Humans are defeated by Na'vi which fly around on Skittle Dragons.

2. Titanic - Has no flight. Explains why most people claim to hate this movie but secretly love it.

3. LOTR: Return of the King - A flippin' giant eagle saves the day.

4. Pirate's of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - I hate this movie and have no idea if anything
flew in it. I don't think anything did and that is probably why I hate it.

5. Toy Story 3 - Buzz has wings.

6. Alice in Wonderland - Jabberwocky

7. The Dark Knight - The whole premise is a man fighting crime without special powers. He is trying to prove that we don't need flight to be awesome. It makes us feel better about ourselves.

Why We Really Hate Roaches
So, we don't actually hate roaches because they are are hard to kill, are dirty, or because they can fly. Then why do we hate these little bugs? Let me illustrate. It is late at night, you wake up and realize you need a cup of water. You stagger into the kitchen, fumble for the lights, and suddenly see a cock roach scamper for the closest hiding place. He books it straight for a hole or crevice so you can't kill him.

Who in our life acts like this? Who hangs out in places they aren't welcome, relieves themselves in public places, eats food that was dropped on the floor, only comes out at night, and runs away when you see them? Only the craziest of the crazy homeless people. Most people try and have sympathy for the homeless. They either feel called to by religious duty or by liberal guilt. But, both of those typically only go so far. We love the homeless people who lost their jobs and have families and are just looking for a little help, we love the homeless war vets, and we even love the homeless guys that hold up quirky signs.













But, only the kindest people in the world can deal with the crazy crackhead homeless people. And this is exactly what roaches are like. They come in our homes uninvited, they poop on the floor, they eat our food, they walk around at night, and they immediately run away when you see them. *

So, I have no problem with our hatred of roaches. I just think we should hate them for the right reasons. They aren't that dirty, they aren't that unkillable, and they can't even fly that well.

What they are though is the sketchy, crackhead of the insect world and that is reason enough to hate them.

*Please know that I am not saying crackhead homeless people are roaches, I am just saying roaches act similar to crackheads. I eat honey, but that doesn't make me a bee.

My Parenting Theory

As a new parent I have thought long and hard about what makes one a good parent. There are many places to look to see examples of good parenting and bad parenting.

Television could be the place to search. TV infiltrates our minds every day so maybe there are grains of truth and inspiration in there. Lost was a great show and Jack Shephard seemed like a pretty cool guy, but all his dad seemed to teach him was how to be an alcoholic, secret family having, ghost. George Bluth from Arrested Development was a great role model for his son Michael, if learning to embezzle money is something you want to pass on to your son. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were my role models as a boy, but their father seems to be absent and that isn't exactly the route I want to take.

While wearing no pants and beating people to death with nunchucks sounds rad to a 10 year old, it is not exactly what I aspire for my kids. 

I adore movies, so that is naturally the first place I look. Problem is there aren't a whole lot of good examples of fatherhood in cinema. Darth Vader seems to handle discipline a little roughly by cutting off his son's hand. Don Vito Corleone pushes his son, Michael, into the mafia. Brian Madison teaches his son, Billy, few life lessons by bribing everyone Billy comes into contact with. Mr. Parker raises his son, Ralphie, to say THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the F-dash-dash-dash word and then had the audacity to punish Ralphie for saying it. So, clearly movies are not the place to find inspiration for fatherhood.

Also, who wants their kid to wear glasses? 

Okay, so television and movies offer little help but who really thought they would? TV is “the opiate of the masses” and movies spawned creatures like Michael Bay so we shouldn’t expect much from them. Books however are like tv for the elite, movies for the educated. Well, apparently the elite hates dad. Narnia? Dad sends the kids off to live in the country to live with a creepy professor. Harry Potter? Dad is dead and actually kind of seemed like a creep when he was alive. Into The Wild? Dad incorporates everything the son hates. Where the Red Fern Grows? Dad can’t even buy his son a dog.

“Son, I love you, but not this much.”

I guess I should have known media was not the place to look for parental guidance. So, where should I look. I guess one’s parents would be another good idea in theory. Not in MY theory though. My theory is no matter how wonderful you parents are they should not be one of the main places you look to for guidance in parenting. This is not a diss to my parents or anyone else’s parents. My mom and dad provided a loving home with a rather nice mixture of discipline and fun. I would actually be rather pleased to be a dad similar to my dad. So why is my theory to not totally follow your parents? Because when you or I lay our head down at night we are forced to sit in silence and admit just how strange and screwed up we are. We know every single mistake we have made. We know what we really think about things. We know the things we won’t tell anyone else, like the fact that I watched the entire Sex and the City series. Knowing that about myself means that I know that some how the lesson my dad taught me when I was twelve about how real men do not need cuss words to get their point across  eventually lead to me dating a girl who would not let me hang out with my cousin because she thought I had a crush on her. Those two things aren’t linked in anyway, but they are both part of my story and you can’t personally separate things in a story. Every action and decision is linked to the next. Our mistakes aren’t truly our parents fault, they are our fault, but we can’t separate the two. So, even if your parents are literally the best parents in the world you still have to read a parenting book or two just to try and avoid the few weird things you grew up doing.

At this stage in my life I had a very strong crush on Penny from Inspector Gadget. If you ever have a crush on a cartoon character it means you might need to question you ability to parent.

TV, movies, book, and even one’s own parents are out. The only place left, and I believe the right place, to look is other families. I have been doing this since my wife got pregnant, so for about 17 months now, and I have discovered something interesting. Cool parents suck. Originally my goal was to teach my children about all the things in the world that I thought were simply too amazing to not tell a child about. Phish, The Beatles, Lord of the Rings, baseball, not having a mullet. The essentials! But parents who do that fail. They might be cool by not giving in to the traditional family values but they will fail. If you grow your hair long, smoke a little, drink a little, watch R rated movies with you children, and teach your kids about how if you press play on Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon at the third roar of the lion then it matches up perfectly to The Wizard of Oz you will be a cool parent. For a while you kid will be a cool kid. But, eventually your child, like all children, will want to rebel. Grow shaggy hair? No, his parents do that. Smoking? No, his parents do that. Get drunk? No, his parents do that. Watch American Pie: Band Camp 18? No, his parents do that. Smoke a little weed? No, apparently his parents used to do that. With the typical rebellious options gone your child must now turn to something like crack, Satan worship, going to 3rd base with the pet bunny, or something truly horrible like listing the Culture Club as their favorite band.

Most likely not receiving any, “#1 Dad” coffee mugs.

So, if cool parents fail that must mean non-cool parents succeed. In my experience this is true more than it is not. If you can somehow accept that you are now a dad and that is way more important than if you see your favorite band in concert every summer you are now on the path to greatness. You know whose children grow up awesome? The Duggars from 18 Kids and Counting. Home school kids. Amish kids. Now yes occasionally they may have problems socially. Carrying on a conversation with a home school kid may sometimes be like talking to a boring, religious, slice of watermelon. But, when said child grows up and decides to rebel the do it by reading a Rob Bell book or listening to a Christian rock album.

Now, I don’t want to home school, I don’t want 18 kids, and I don’t want a chin strap beard. But, I think I can be dorky for my children’s sake. I can avoid keeping up with the latest trends in music and clothes. I can avoid watching inappropriate movies. I can avoid eating too much candy because that will give me a sugar rush, and that might just be a sin. Who really knows? I am totally willing to dork it up so when my kids rebel they can rebel to something that would be acceptable anyways.

Plus, if we are just being honest, dorking it up won’t probably take much effort. Anyone who has a Lord of the Rings bookend in their office isn’t exactly screaming “James Dean” anyways.

Meth Travel

I don't have a whole ton of experience with drugs myself, but that doesn't matter. Cinema gives me a perfectly one hundred percent accurate portrayal of what each kind of drug does to a person. Alcohol makes a person either sexually harass women at work or get murdered by some sort of monster/serial killer. Pot makes a person wear tie dye and occasionally kill horses by feeding them sweets. LSD makes a person think they are a golden god. Cocaine makes a person wear suits, sport a douchey haricut, and sell stocks. Heroin makes a person spot trains? Meth makes a person....well, I don't know what meth does. Not a whole lot of movies about meth. Not to worry, I know of a commercial we can watch to get an idea of what meth does!



Holy donkey poop. Meth has to be the most amazing drug ever! What other drug can allow you to time travel back in time and space to visit your past self? This meth user, let's call him Gary, has clearly been on one wild ride. Most drugs merely get you high but what in the world does meth do?

Future Gary is clearly from the future and has something urgent to tell Past Gary. Future Gary has gone through a lot to do so. Why is Future Gary so beaten up? Are there dragons you must encounter during the nontime that takes place while your body travels? Did zombies take over North America because of Past Gary's decision to try meth and Future Gary has lost all of his friends and family in the fight? Has Future Gary traveled even further into the future and seen that meth will cause Even Further Future Gary to miss getting on a bus where he would meet his potential wife?

Why does Future Gary need money so badly? Does the American dollar truly fail one day and over time is all destroyed and Future Gary knows if he can get his hands on a some highly valuable collector's item 2009 US currency he will be rich in his own time? Does Future Gary need money so that he can purchase more meth because that is the key to time travel and he simply must get back to his own time? Does Future Gary simply enjoy nonsensical violence.

Why is Future Gary so violent? Does Future Gary know that we in the dead world of the past are only figments of reality and it does not matter if we are injured, is this his live action Grand Theft Auto? Is Future Gary some kind of weird racist that is racist against all races? Is Future Gary just trying to drive home the point to Past Gary that he means business?

I do not know the answers to these questions, but I do know I must find meth immediately. If I can travel back in time a few hours and tell Past Brandon not to eat at a Chinese buffet today for lunch it will all be worth it!