The Most Hated Creatures on Earth

The other day I was contemplating what my 3 most hated animals in the world are. Hey, I have a lot of time to think while I feed my baby, don't question me on how I spend that time! After much thought my list came down to 1. Sharks 2. Alligators 3. Sharks

Basically I am really fearful of things that can attack me from underneath while I am swimming. Yes I know that sharks are on my list twice, but dangit, they are super scary! And yes, I know that crocodiles are more deadly than alligators but I've never seen a wild crocodile and I've seen lots of wild alligators so alligators win based on proximity to my home. I mean Haqqani (the terrorist) is a pretty scary dude but he lives in the middle east, so I am generally more scared of the guy in my neighborhood who never returns smiles.

My list has another thing in common other than all being underwater and that is that they can and do kill humans. Death should pretty much be a precursor for hating an animal in my opinion. Little yapping dogs are annoying but not deadly, while St. Bernards are awesome looking but one poke away from killing you. So, while we would all say we hate Shitzus more than we hate St. Bernards we are stupid for thinking that way.

My point is, the most common animal you will find on a list of Most Hated Animals is the cockroach. I get it, cockroaches aren't my favorite either but we need to break down the reasons we hate them to get to the truth of if they should be on the list. I believe the main reasons we say we hate cockroaches is they are difficult to kill, they are dirty, and sometimes they really freak us out with flight.

Difficult to Kill
One, if they ever make a movie about me that is what I want it to be called. Brandon Jones: Difficult to Kill. Being hard to kill isn't really a legit reason to hate something. Quick list of things that are hard to kill that we view as awesome for being difficult to kill.


There really is no cooler club than the club consisting of an angry grizzly bear, non Brandon Routh Superman, and a dude that survived 9 gun shots. Why would we hate the cock roach for being part of this list? When a cockroach comes running into the room we should really bow before it and ask if there is anything he needs us to get him to be more comfortable.

Dirty
This one makes sense on the surface. Roaches are dirty and they poop in your home and their poop.


You know what that is? It's something we allow to sit on our couches, to lay on our carpets, and to wallow in our beds. It is a dog's butt.

And, a litter box. We literally train cats to poop in our home. Whichever room has this litter box reeks of cat poo.

So, we don't actually hate roaches because they are dirty. They just aren't the cute and cuddly form of dirty that we prefer. If you take two pillows, one a cockroach walked across and the other a dog rubbed it's butt on I can assure you the first one is cleaner. If you take two rooms and one has a piece of roach poop in and the other has a piece of cat poop I again can assure you that the first room is cleaner. But, cats and dogs are furry and don't know how to walk to swell when they are first born so we overlook their nastiness.

Flight
This comes down to jealousy. Flight is awesome. We can't do it. We suck, roaches rule. We love flight, just look at the list of movies that grossed over 1 billion worldwide.

1. Avatar - Humans are defeated by Na'vi which fly around on Skittle Dragons.

2. Titanic - Has no flight. Explains why most people claim to hate this movie but secretly love it.

3. LOTR: Return of the King - A flippin' giant eagle saves the day.

4. Pirate's of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - I hate this movie and have no idea if anything
flew in it. I don't think anything did and that is probably why I hate it.

5. Toy Story 3 - Buzz has wings.

6. Alice in Wonderland - Jabberwocky

7. The Dark Knight - The whole premise is a man fighting crime without special powers. He is trying to prove that we don't need flight to be awesome. It makes us feel better about ourselves.

Why We Really Hate Roaches
So, we don't actually hate roaches because they are are hard to kill, are dirty, or because they can fly. Then why do we hate these little bugs? Let me illustrate. It is late at night, you wake up and realize you need a cup of water. You stagger into the kitchen, fumble for the lights, and suddenly see a cock roach scamper for the closest hiding place. He books it straight for a hole or crevice so you can't kill him.

Who in our life acts like this? Who hangs out in places they aren't welcome, relieves themselves in public places, eats food that was dropped on the floor, only comes out at night, and runs away when you see them? Only the craziest of the crazy homeless people. Most people try and have sympathy for the homeless. They either feel called to by religious duty or by liberal guilt. But, both of those typically only go so far. We love the homeless people who lost their jobs and have families and are just looking for a little help, we love the homeless war vets, and we even love the homeless guys that hold up quirky signs.













But, only the kindest people in the world can deal with the crazy crackhead homeless people. And this is exactly what roaches are like. They come in our homes uninvited, they poop on the floor, they eat our food, they walk around at night, and they immediately run away when you see them. *

So, I have no problem with our hatred of roaches. I just think we should hate them for the right reasons. They aren't that dirty, they aren't that unkillable, and they can't even fly that well.

What they are though is the sketchy, crackhead of the insect world and that is reason enough to hate them.

*Please know that I am not saying crackhead homeless people are roaches, I am just saying roaches act similar to crackheads. I eat honey, but that doesn't make me a bee.

My Parenting Theory

As a new parent I have thought long and hard about what makes one a good parent. There are many places to look to see examples of good parenting and bad parenting.

Television could be the place to search. TV infiltrates our minds every day so maybe there are grains of truth and inspiration in there. Lost was a great show and Jack Shephard seemed like a pretty cool guy, but all his dad seemed to teach him was how to be an alcoholic, secret family having, ghost. George Bluth from Arrested Development was a great role model for his son Michael, if learning to embezzle money is something you want to pass on to your son. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were my role models as a boy, but their father seems to be absent and that isn't exactly the route I want to take.

While wearing no pants and beating people to death with nunchucks sounds rad to a 10 year old, it is not exactly what I aspire for my kids. 

I adore movies, so that is naturally the first place I look. Problem is there aren't a whole lot of good examples of fatherhood in cinema. Darth Vader seems to handle discipline a little roughly by cutting off his son's hand. Don Vito Corleone pushes his son, Michael, into the mafia. Brian Madison teaches his son, Billy, few life lessons by bribing everyone Billy comes into contact with. Mr. Parker raises his son, Ralphie, to say THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the F-dash-dash-dash word and then had the audacity to punish Ralphie for saying it. So, clearly movies are not the place to find inspiration for fatherhood.

Also, who wants their kid to wear glasses? 

Okay, so television and movies offer little help but who really thought they would? TV is “the opiate of the masses” and movies spawned creatures like Michael Bay so we shouldn’t expect much from them. Books however are like tv for the elite, movies for the educated. Well, apparently the elite hates dad. Narnia? Dad sends the kids off to live in the country to live with a creepy professor. Harry Potter? Dad is dead and actually kind of seemed like a creep when he was alive. Into The Wild? Dad incorporates everything the son hates. Where the Red Fern Grows? Dad can’t even buy his son a dog.

“Son, I love you, but not this much.”

I guess I should have known media was not the place to look for parental guidance. So, where should I look. I guess one’s parents would be another good idea in theory. Not in MY theory though. My theory is no matter how wonderful you parents are they should not be one of the main places you look to for guidance in parenting. This is not a diss to my parents or anyone else’s parents. My mom and dad provided a loving home with a rather nice mixture of discipline and fun. I would actually be rather pleased to be a dad similar to my dad. So why is my theory to not totally follow your parents? Because when you or I lay our head down at night we are forced to sit in silence and admit just how strange and screwed up we are. We know every single mistake we have made. We know what we really think about things. We know the things we won’t tell anyone else, like the fact that I watched the entire Sex and the City series. Knowing that about myself means that I know that some how the lesson my dad taught me when I was twelve about how real men do not need cuss words to get their point across  eventually lead to me dating a girl who would not let me hang out with my cousin because she thought I had a crush on her. Those two things aren’t linked in anyway, but they are both part of my story and you can’t personally separate things in a story. Every action and decision is linked to the next. Our mistakes aren’t truly our parents fault, they are our fault, but we can’t separate the two. So, even if your parents are literally the best parents in the world you still have to read a parenting book or two just to try and avoid the few weird things you grew up doing.

At this stage in my life I had a very strong crush on Penny from Inspector Gadget. If you ever have a crush on a cartoon character it means you might need to question you ability to parent.

TV, movies, book, and even one’s own parents are out. The only place left, and I believe the right place, to look is other families. I have been doing this since my wife got pregnant, so for about 17 months now, and I have discovered something interesting. Cool parents suck. Originally my goal was to teach my children about all the things in the world that I thought were simply too amazing to not tell a child about. Phish, The Beatles, Lord of the Rings, baseball, not having a mullet. The essentials! But parents who do that fail. They might be cool by not giving in to the traditional family values but they will fail. If you grow your hair long, smoke a little, drink a little, watch R rated movies with you children, and teach your kids about how if you press play on Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon at the third roar of the lion then it matches up perfectly to The Wizard of Oz you will be a cool parent. For a while you kid will be a cool kid. But, eventually your child, like all children, will want to rebel. Grow shaggy hair? No, his parents do that. Smoking? No, his parents do that. Get drunk? No, his parents do that. Watch American Pie: Band Camp 18? No, his parents do that. Smoke a little weed? No, apparently his parents used to do that. With the typical rebellious options gone your child must now turn to something like crack, Satan worship, going to 3rd base with the pet bunny, or something truly horrible like listing the Culture Club as their favorite band.

Most likely not receiving any, “#1 Dad” coffee mugs.

So, if cool parents fail that must mean non-cool parents succeed. In my experience this is true more than it is not. If you can somehow accept that you are now a dad and that is way more important than if you see your favorite band in concert every summer you are now on the path to greatness. You know whose children grow up awesome? The Duggars from 18 Kids and Counting. Home school kids. Amish kids. Now yes occasionally they may have problems socially. Carrying on a conversation with a home school kid may sometimes be like talking to a boring, religious, slice of watermelon. But, when said child grows up and decides to rebel the do it by reading a Rob Bell book or listening to a Christian rock album.

Now, I don’t want to home school, I don’t want 18 kids, and I don’t want a chin strap beard. But, I think I can be dorky for my children’s sake. I can avoid keeping up with the latest trends in music and clothes. I can avoid watching inappropriate movies. I can avoid eating too much candy because that will give me a sugar rush, and that might just be a sin. Who really knows? I am totally willing to dork it up so when my kids rebel they can rebel to something that would be acceptable anyways.

Plus, if we are just being honest, dorking it up won’t probably take much effort. Anyone who has a Lord of the Rings bookend in their office isn’t exactly screaming “James Dean” anyways.

Meth Travel

I don't have a whole ton of experience with drugs myself, but that doesn't matter. Cinema gives me a perfectly one hundred percent accurate portrayal of what each kind of drug does to a person. Alcohol makes a person either sexually harass women at work or get murdered by some sort of monster/serial killer. Pot makes a person wear tie dye and occasionally kill horses by feeding them sweets. LSD makes a person think they are a golden god. Cocaine makes a person wear suits, sport a douchey haricut, and sell stocks. Heroin makes a person spot trains? Meth makes a person....well, I don't know what meth does. Not a whole lot of movies about meth. Not to worry, I know of a commercial we can watch to get an idea of what meth does!



Holy donkey poop. Meth has to be the most amazing drug ever! What other drug can allow you to time travel back in time and space to visit your past self? This meth user, let's call him Gary, has clearly been on one wild ride. Most drugs merely get you high but what in the world does meth do?

Future Gary is clearly from the future and has something urgent to tell Past Gary. Future Gary has gone through a lot to do so. Why is Future Gary so beaten up? Are there dragons you must encounter during the nontime that takes place while your body travels? Did zombies take over North America because of Past Gary's decision to try meth and Future Gary has lost all of his friends and family in the fight? Has Future Gary traveled even further into the future and seen that meth will cause Even Further Future Gary to miss getting on a bus where he would meet his potential wife?

Why does Future Gary need money so badly? Does the American dollar truly fail one day and over time is all destroyed and Future Gary knows if he can get his hands on a some highly valuable collector's item 2009 US currency he will be rich in his own time? Does Future Gary need money so that he can purchase more meth because that is the key to time travel and he simply must get back to his own time? Does Future Gary simply enjoy nonsensical violence.

Why is Future Gary so violent? Does Future Gary know that we in the dead world of the past are only figments of reality and it does not matter if we are injured, is this his live action Grand Theft Auto? Is Future Gary some kind of weird racist that is racist against all races? Is Future Gary just trying to drive home the point to Past Gary that he means business?

I do not know the answers to these questions, but I do know I must find meth immediately. If I can travel back in time a few hours and tell Past Brandon not to eat at a Chinese buffet today for lunch it will all be worth it!

Cheer Up Charlie

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was one of my favorite movies as a kid, heck it still is today. I know I am not alone in this fact. The movie is just astounding. The visuals, the plot, the actors, the songs, the creepiness, the innocence, the costumes, the oompa loompas, the contract, the golden ticket, and oh the snozzberries! And it's made by a director who has made nothing else even worth seeing in my eyes. But, that is all for another post.

Today I simply want reminisce about the 2 minutes and 33 seconds that is the song "Cheer Up Charlie". Listening to this song on a soundtrack now I can admit it is a beautiful song and Diana Sowle has rather nice voice. When watching the movie however it makes me want to slit my wrists and pour salt in the wounds.

As a kid I believe this one song caused me to have my first suicidal thoughts. Luckily most movies don't place such pace killing songs in them or I may have actually become emo or something. It is placed between "The Candy Man" which is also rather annoying but at least it is fun and has a little pop in it's step and "I've Got A (Freakin') Golden Tickets (All You Other Brits Can Suck It)". That's the name of that song, right? "I've Got A Golden Ticket" is one of the most uplifting songs ever put to film and good gosh is it ever needed.

Mrs. Bucket is simply trying to cheer her son up with song, but there are two problems with this. Firstly, if you want to cheer someone up it might help if they are actually within, you know, ear shot! Second, if I want to cheer you up I don't do it by tearfully telling you to be happy while I poke you in the eye with a pink eye fungus infested sewing needle. Mrs. Bucket clearly needs to take some anti depressants herself and listen to Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry Be Happy Now" a few hundred times.

This movie has probably been watched millions of times but it is a well documented fact that the "Cheer Up Charlie" song has only been watched in it' 2 minutes and 33 second entirety three times. I vote that we get George Lucas to use some of his technology and cut this song out and extend "The Wondrous Boat Ride" scene by a few minutes.

Until that happens I will continue to lock up all sharp objects in my house before I press play on this movie.

I bet if I try jumping off the couch face first over and over it will work!

Nutz

Occasionally things come into fashion that at best serve no purpose and make the user look a bit odd and at worst are offensive. A neck tie is the former, a bow tie is the latter. Jorts are the former, butt cleavage is the latter. Water bras are the former, nipple enhancers () are the latter. Fake bullet hole stickers for your car are the former, fake human testicles that dangle from the rear of your car are the latter.

Fake Human Testicles That Dangle From The Rear Of Your Car would be a catchy name, but instead they used Nutz. Let's go through the list of things we do for fashion that don't make sense.

Serve No Purpose
A truck is clearly a vehicle made for a man. Not just a man, but a man that does man things. You won't see many business men in NYC driving a man truck around because they spend their time picking up lattes not picking up bales of hay. When you purchase a pick up truck you are in essence screaming, "I am so much of a man, a fully closed in vehicle cannot contain my manliness". There is nothing else you need to add to your truck. Everything else just makes it overboard. Big tires? Good luck not looking like a little kid climbing into your man truck. Lowering your truck? Let's see you not look like an idiot going 2 miles an hour at an angle over speed bumps? A grill protector? Yes, that would be useful for bumper cars but serves little purpose for hauling away the bear you just killed with a knife.

Attaching plastic human testicles to the back of your truck? What purpose could this possibly send? Is it like a male peacock that spreads his extravagant feathers to lure in lady peacocks? Maybe so, but I do not think testicles are one of the top reasons a girl falls for a guy, or even one of the bottom reasons. Is it trying to let everyone know that, "Hey, a man drives this truck!"? Like I already said, a truck is the one vehicle that everyone assumes a man is the driver. If you bought a bright yellow VW Bug then maybe Nutz would make sense, but not on a truck.

So, Nutz serve no purpose.

Make the User Look Odd
Styles have slowly changed over many year to where women show more of their legs, stomach, arms, neck, feet, chest, and bottom. Men's fashion has changed to where we show more neck, a little more arm, and a little more leg if the weather is hot enough. Fashion shows that the people do not really want to see too much of the male body. The one thing that every single fashion that has ever gained popularity in America has in common is it's ability to cover up the male genitalia. Even the male swim suit has the shorts like material on the outside and netting on the inside.

The people have spoken. Nutz should stay behind at least two layers of fabric at all times.

Offensive
Movies come out every week that contain a female baring her breasts to anyone willing to go to the local theater and spend a small fortune on a ticket and popcorn. When a movie decides to include a nude man the media acts like they are killing babies in the film. Look up Forgetting Sarah Marshall controversy on google, it's all about the male goods. Borat was known for being a jew hating racist, but most of the controversy for the film came from the male nudity. Eastern Promises was one of the best films to come out in 2007 but was often referred to as "The Weiner Fight movie" Male genitalia is offensive, plain and simple.

Nutz serve no purpose, make the driver look like a tool, and offend everyone except other tool bags. In conclusion, I leave you with this....



Side Note: If there are any big scary guys who have Nutz on their truck reading this then I take all of this back and Nutz are super classy.

You Could Have Burped

A show that I immensely enjoy these days is, "How I Met Your Mother". I am a pretty buttoned up guy, so you might question why I would enjoy a show that spends so much time focusing on guys trying to sleep with girls. I mean, there is a whole episode based around two guys competing to see who can have a threesome first. Let me list the reasons why I love it anyways:

1. Jason Segel as Marshall. The most redeemable character on the show to me. When I watch this show, I can't stop myself from wishing we were friends the whole time.

2. Neil Patrick Harris, so hot right now, Neil Patrick Harris.

3. Alyson Hannigan. Okay, so she played one of the most annoying characters ever in American Pie but in this show she is what I would want my wife to be like if I wasn't already married. She is cute, fun, and so supportive she texts her husband while he is on the toilet. Nice!

4. Barney Stinson's theories. They are always elaborate but seem to make some sense.

5. The entire premise of the show is based on a man searching for his future wife. At least when he is out sleeping with tons of people he is doing it in hopes of finding the "one". Not very biblical...but still...it's TV, cut it some slack.

6. Suit Up!

7. Bob Saget is the voice of Ted grown up. Random, yet cool.

8. Cobie Smulders. Okay, she isn't actually my favorite but that name is AWESOME!

9. Marshall and Lilly are such an amazing example of what a married couple should look like to me.

10. This show quotes the bible or has biblical themes fairly often for a comedy on tv. Marshall beautifully quoted 1 Corinthians 13 in one episode. It was made into a joke immediately after that, but if my pastor would have read that verse in my wedding as tenderly as Marshall did in this episode I would have cried.

These are many reasons why I love the show. There are more. I could make a lists as long as Barney's list of places to make love but I won't. I won't because the main reason I love this show is one scene. It takes place at Marshall and Lilly's wedding. They have been unable to eat because everyone is talking and hugging them. Lilly keeps drinking champagne so that she can have the strawberry that is on the edge of the glass. She becomes a bit drunk. This is what follows

Lily Aldrin: I had four strawberries.
Ted Mosby: Was there a side of champagne with each of those strawberries?
Lily Aldrin: [burping] Yes!
Marshall Eriksen: Lily, you could have burped, or said the word yes, but the fact that you did both is exactly why I married you.

Right there. What Marshall said. When it comes down to it these types of things are what make love beautiful to me. Roses, kisses, weddings, babies, diamonds, dates. Anyone can have these things, they might be part of love, but they aren't what love is.

Lilly stood there tipsy in her wedding dress and burped a word like a dang preschooler. Most would be appalled or at least turned off by this. Love instead makes it something that just makes you love that person more.



I audibly hum when I am really enjoying a dinner. Weird. Kat loves it.

Katherine often forgets to rinse the soap off of her neck in the shower. Odd. I love it.

I have pooped my pants in front of Kat and vomited in front of her on separate occasions. Disgusting. Somehow, it makes me more lovable to Kat.

Kat is a super clean freak when it comes to beds. Annoying. Even when I have to shower before bed when I just showered a few hours ago it makes me love her even more.

The things that make us quirky make our significant others love us even more and this scene in this show captures it perfectly.

I'll leave you with this thought. If you ever find yourself in a relationship and you accidentally poop your pants while in Mexico and your spouse gets grossed out, it is probably time to wonder if they really love you. If you ever are asked a question and you burp the answer and your spouse does anything but smile lovingly, it is probably time to wonder if they really love you.

Man Soap

Typically men are not very picky when it comes to what soap they use. Until I got married I would use the shampoo lather off of my head to bathe with for about 65% of my showers. 25% of the time I would a cheap bar of soap, and the other 10% I would just trust the purity of the water to cleanse my man sweat off. Something about sharing a bed with a fresher smelling, softer skinned, less hairy, less awkward looking version of man quickly changed my shower habits. It might have been because she inspired me to be a better man, but most likely it had more to do with the hopes of sexy time. All of this to say, men don't really care. As long as we smell less like butt after the shower than we did before than we are relatively pleased with our shower experience.

Apparently Old Spice, Axe, and Dove are aiming to change that. From my memory there was little competition in the man soap department until Axe came out with their uber sexified version of soap commercials. Suddenly every boy between the ages of 13-30 noticed that the man's body needs a different product to clean away the dirt and grime that men collect on their bodies throughout the day. It took a few years, but on Super Bowl 2010 night, Dove and Old Spice jumped into the game harder than ever before. They had the product before, but they had not put this kind of effort behind advertising.

All three companies have a "man scrubber".

The Axe Detailer. Because apparently a man's body will look like a washed and waxed Maserati if it is just washed extra hard.



The Old Spice Deck Scrubber to remove, "Dirt, Odor, and Barnacles". Okay, men are gross but if you ever have something that can be referred to as a barnacle on your body please go to a doctor, not to the soap aisle.



Then we have the Dove Men+Care Active Clean Shower Tool which is the wordiest name for a cleaning product I have ever heard but at least it isn't cheesy.



I actually own one of the Axe Detailers so I shouldn't make too much fun since I clearly fell prey to the ads but I am going to make fun despite that. Let's be honest with our selves though, these scrubbers are simply the less gay cousin of a loofah. The fact that they threw a scrubber on the back of the loofah seems a lot like a guy in high school who is in every drama production, but always plays the bad guy. Less gay than some, but still gay.

Not only does the scrubber side simply make it a glorified loofah, it also makes it a really painful version of the loofah. As much as the commercials try and convince us, men do not have knee caps made of similar quality to a car hood, we don't have elbows as hard and sharp as the deck of a boat, and we don't have footballs and chainsaws falling out of our armpits. When you take rough fabric and rub it across your body it hurts. My knees may be a lot less sexy than my wife's knees, but when you really get down to it they are the same dang things. Not only does the scrubber hurt but the piece of plastic that attaches the scrubber and the loofah is just a safety hazard. If you get moving too quickly in the shower because you are rushing to see the Top 10 on Sportscenter and you know it is coming on any minute and that piece of plastic accidentally rubs your skin you will be down for the count. I have had scrapes and bruises on my feet and legs for days a time thanks to trying to have a 60 second shower while using this thing.

In conclusion, I am a hypocrite. I was tricked by the commercials and felt that as a man I needed one of these magical man sponges. I will most likely buy one again mainly because I hate walking up to the store counter with a pink loofah in hand. I can't stand this product, but this one perfectly hilarious commercial makes me happy for their existence. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owGykVbfgUE"