You Like Chocolate? Me Too! We Should Get Married!

Everyone, and I mean, everyone knows “The Pina Colada Song” or by it’s actual name “Escape” by Rupert Holmes. 99% of people wouldn’t know who Rupert Holmes was if asked and the same percent would call it “The Pina Colada Song” instead of “Escape”. So no one knows much about the song but everyone can sing the lyrics. Here they are:

I was tired of my lady
We'd been together too long
Like a worn-out recording
Of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleeping
I read the paper in bed
And in the personal columns
There was this letter I read
"If you like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the Cape
Then I'm the love that you've looked for
Write to me and escape."
I didn't think about my lady
I know that sounds kind of mean
But me and my old lady
Have fallen into the same old dull routine
So I wrote to the paper
Took out a personal ad
And though I'm nobody's poet
I thought it wasn't half bad
"Yes I like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
I'm not much into health food
I am into champagne
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon
And cut through all this red-tape
At a bar called O'Malley's
Where we'll plan our escape."
So I waited with high hopes
And she walked in the place
I knew her smile in an instant
I knew the curve of her face
It was my own lovely lady
And she said, "Oh it's you."
Then we laughed for a moment
And I said, "I never knew."
That you like Pina Coladas
Getting caught in the rain
And the feel of the ocean
And the taste of champagne
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the dunes of the Cape
You're the lady I've looked for
Come with me and escape
repeat chorus twice and fade out

Cute song. Catchy lyrics. I recently referenced this song in an email I sent to a friend. After fretting and fretting over if mentioning making love in the dunes of a cape was inappropriate or not another thought finally hit me. Good gracious, those two people should have gotten a divorce. I am not typically an advocate for divorce. I have often told my wife that even if she has an affair I will most likely keep her around. Probably not the wisest thing to tell someone if you don’t want them to do it. “Hey child, if you start smoking crack I’ll be totally cool with it…..but don’t do it!”. But oh well, love is retarded.

So, why would a man who despises divorce advocate it in this situation? Well, they were clearly headed that way anyways at the beginning of the song. I’ve heard people describe their spouses in many ways but “worn out recording” comes across as rather mean spirited and pretty hard to recover from. You know what you do with worn out recordings? You throw them away and buy a new copy. A copy with more curves, less inhibitions, and a love of doing chores or if you are a woman a copy with less curves, more inhibitions, and a love of doing chores.

Okay, so their marriage isn’t exactly grand. Obviously our vows didn’t say “In health and sickness, in grandness and ungrandness” so still you might be wondering why I would advocate divorce. I think these two people should get divorced because their reasoning for staying together was that they both like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain, laziness to the point of being unlimber, somewhat smart people, sex, the beach, junk food, champagne, and they both dislike red tape. You know who else like these things? Everyone in the world in the entire history of humankind.

Pina Coladas- This is one of the only alcoholic drinks that people still drink without alcohol in it. O’Douls tries to sell beer without alcohol and you know who drinks it? No one. Okay…maybe midgets….small people…..dwarves…..whatever they are called drink it because they are tiny, but no one else does.

Getting caught in the rain - There is LITERALLY a song called, “Singing in the Rain”.

Laziness to the point of being unlimber – Being unlimber isn’t the goal but lung cancer isn’t the goal of smokers either. People love laziness so much they don’t care if they can no longer tie their own shoes.

Somewhat smart people – This one is tricky because typically we all say that we want a spouse who is smart, but these guys cut through the red tape (they like that, remember?) and say what we really want. We all want someone who is smart enough to cook their own meals but dumb enough to make us feel good about ourselves

Sex – Sex. Yes, the word sex is my entire argument for that one.

The beach – Sharks, hurricanes, pirates, jelly fish, sting rays, men in thongs. There are many perils at the beach, but we all love it so much that almost every American braves all of the dangers to spend a few days at the beach each year.

Junk Food – The KFC Double Down exists for one reason, we love junk food to the point that bread just gets in the way of stuffing more grease in.

Champagne – Even if you don’t like the taste, everyone likes feeling fancy every once in a while!

Hate red tape – I don’t really know why, but everyone seems to hate this stuff. I think red tape works great for holiday gift wrapping.

So these two people that were so bored with each other they wanted to run away decided to get back together because they like things that everyone likes? You do realize that this woman probably returned home after meeting her husband at O’Malley’s and had thousands of responses from men across the city. She said the word “sex” in a personal ad. Her personal ad could have just said, “Woman seeking sex” and she would have gotten response, but then to ad in the promise of alcohol and fast food after?!?! She is most men’s dream woman (yes, men are oddly easy to please). So, even if she was pleased to discover that her hubby had similar interests, don’t you think she may have been lured away by a hotter, richer man right after this song ended?

My last reason for these people needing to find a divorce lawyer as quickly as possible is that their marriage up to now points to bad things. They have been married long enough to feel the other is a “worn out recording” and yet they have never once had a conversation that led them to realize the other one liked the beach, fruity alcohol, fancy alcohol, junk food, sloth, playing in the rain, or sex? I know more about my wife’s high school crushes than these two know about each other. So even if the wife for some reason turns up her nose at the thousands of men who left her messages, these two will most likely never come to find out that the other person likes Strawberry Daiquiris, candy, baseball, or the way the sun feels on your body when you get out of a cold pool.

Eventually these two will eventually realize they are lonely and their spouse has the communication skills of Helen Keller and they will go searching for someone else. But they will both be obese and have a serious drinking problem at this point and divorce will only lead to further loneliness.

So, I just want to close by saying, “That Rupert Holmes is full of crap, man!”.