My Doomed Relationship

Some relationships are doomed from the beginning. Everyone can see it except the two people in the relationship. There are many reasons why a relationship would be set on a course for disaster from the very beginning but one main reason is that the two are in it for the wrong reasons.

I once dated a girl simply because she could drive and I couldn't. A girl once tried to date me simply because I had tickets to a concert she wanted. I am pretty sure my wife only agreed to date me because we lived in the same neighborhood and it was convenient. I can think of no other reason, she is hawt and I spell hot, hawt. Clearly she could have done better.

We all have friends who begin dating and we can see it just won't work. I am in a similar situation. I have had an on again off again love relationship with Running. The problem is I abhor running. There are a list of crybaby reasons why I hate running. The ground is too hard and hurts my knees, my entire body chafes, I have asthma, it takes too much time. So, you would think I would realize that running is the bane of my existence and move on to something less trying like table tennis or water aerobics for my exercise.

But, I am a love struck moron. I look past those things I hate about Running and crush on the things that I think I will love about running. I ignore that I am an asthmatic, bad kneed, lazy, cry baby and focus on a few great things about Running.

Sometimes this works in a relationship. I am sure my wife had to push aside the fact that I had similar table manners to a three year old, that my ultimate dream was to see a werewolf fight an armored mass of zombies, and that I had spent enough money on concerts and CD's to buy a pretty legit car. She forced her brain to ignore these things and instead focused on the fact that.........okay, so I'm not real sure what she focused on....once I got second place in a tennis tournament because another team defaulted, maybe that was it.......

Okay, back on course. The point is she was able to ignore my bad traits and love my good traits and it all seems to have worked out for the good. For that to work though, you must focus on actual good qualities. If you consider the fact that a guy is loaded or a girl is built like Scarlett Johansson the good qualities to focus on you are in for failure.

I am in a similar position with Running. I don't focus on things like my weight, my cardiovascular health, or even the runner's high (We all know that the "runner's high" is just when the runner stops to shoot up out of boredom, right?). Instead I focus on 3 things about Running that my brain perceives as good but really do not promote a long lasting relationship.

REASON ONE: THE CLOTHES

I am vein. It is sad, but true. The clothes don’t make the man, but they sure make the man feel more confident. Rock stars may be confident guys regardless, but you never see one of them walk on stage in a pair of sweat pant shorts and a t-shirt with food stains on it. We can argue it all day long, but clothes kind of sorta maybe make the man. Nike and Under Armor are no slouches and they realize that deep down we all know this and they don’t even typically bother advertising about how their clothes make running easier. They used to. I bought my Nike Pumps in 5th grade because I literally thought they would make me jump higher. But, now they have learned that simply showing an artsy video of people running with their clothes on, or showing a video with lots of quick cuts of a guy working out make us want their clothes. Most of us know we will never play basketball like Lebron or football like Reggie Bush, but maybe, just maybe we could look freakin’ awesome while we run 2 miles an hour around the neighborhood.

REASON TWO: GATORADE

I don’t drink Gatorade on a normal basis. It is expensive and really sugary. Our budget can’t afford it and if I have to choose between a sugary drink and Dunkin Donuts donut, the donut will win every time. I don’t really watch my calories, but I do watch them enough to make sure I spend them on the best tasting options. Gatorade is delicious though. Last week I helped a friend move. As always with moving, it kinda sucked. Heavy things are not fun to pick up and stairs are not fun to climb. Towards the end of the move the friend busted out some Gatorade. I downed 32 ounces of that sweet nectar and I was ready to move furniture for another few hours as long as it meant there was more Gatorade at the end of the day. Sadly, while Gatorade is fantastic while being drunk….drank….dranken…….drinkin? Yes, while Gatorade is fantastic while being drinkin it is not much of a motivator on mile 2 of a mile 5 run.

REASON THREE: ICE CREAM

I have heard story after story of people who run long distance and not only can eat whatever they want but NEED to eat fattening foods to replenish their body. As an out of shape lover of fattening food this sounds like paradise. As I sit on the couch reading yet another article about this phenomenon I think to myself, “Dude, I can totally run 5 miles a day if I can eat a bowl of ice cream after!”. This is a lie. The ice cream is enough positive enforcement to keep me excited as I tie up my running shoes, turn my iPod on, and walk out the door, heck even for the first few minutes of running I feel great. But, inevitably I get to the huge, long, slow rising hill in my neighborhood and all of my excitement drains. My 5 mile run turns into a 2 mile run/walk and my bowl of ice cream turns in to 2 bowls of ice cream…..and a few cookies.

Surprisingly clothing, Gatorade, and ice cream are not the best reasons to take up Running and thus my affair with Running is always short lived. We have a few lustful days of bliss followed by months of ignoring each other. I should learn my lesson. Running never treats me right, she lures me in and treats me horribly. I despise her, but whenever I see a thin person dressed in Under Armor eating Gatorade flavored ice cream (happens ALL THE TIME!) I find my self lacing up my shoes one more time.