Archie Andrews IS Zack Morris

Let me start this article with a question. Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night with some great idea and get very eager for morning to come so that you can better sort your thoughts? I am not an overly intelligent fellow so obviously I don’t wake up with a new form of math floating in my head or anything of that nature. I typically just wake up with an obscure song in my head like Vanilla Ice’s “Stop That Train” (note, not the ever popular Ice Ice Baby), so to wake up with an idea is an accomplishment for me. Well, I had one of those moments the other night and when I got up and logged onto my dial up AOL (okay, not really but wouldn’t that be awesome!) I discovered that some other person had already stolen my idea. I will not link you to his page because I am very eager for your approval and want to make it to easy for you to compare our two arguments and decide that his argument was better.

What is this genius (I was just told by spell check that I had misspelled genius and I changed it, so you should know that this blog is headed nowhere good) argument you ask? Saved By The Bell is simply an updated version of Archie Comics. Most ideas in media are recycled over and over again. I am convinced there are only 2 or 3 plots that all romantic comedies follow, and my wife is convinced all action movies are totally unbelievable and totally uncreative. “Failure To Launch” and “How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days” are basically the same movie. Most action movies are so similar I can’t even remember the plot to most of them. Jurassic Park 2 totally stole the whole dinosaur thing from Jurassic Park! We steal our ideas from all over the place, but nowhere is more random than Archie Comics. It’s just smart to steal from something obscure or old. When Coldplay stole the music for Viva La Vida they didn’t steal it from Michael Jackson or the even more popular Spice Girls, they stole it from some unknown dude named Joe Satriani. Smart. Now, onto my proof.

Archie Andrews IS Zack Morris

Zack is the 80’s/90’s version of Archie. They took Archie and added in a cool factor and subtracted out the ginger factor. Archie had a serious love triangle going with Veronica and Betty while Zack was more ambitious with a triangle of Kelly and “girls in general”. Archie was constantly in trouble with Mr Weatherbee while Zack was always undermining Mr. Belding. Both were somehow completely annoying yet amazing at the same time.

Jughead IS Screech

Jughead is Archie’s best friend, he is known by a nickname, he loves hamburgers, he wears a grey crown beanie that during one comic he loses and becomes less “Jughead” due to it, and he has very few distinguishable qualities other than that. Screech is Zack’s best friend, he is known by a nickname, he loves Lisa Turtle, in one episode he loses his red beret which makes him forget how to play chess, and he has very few distinguishable qualities other than that.

Reggie Mantle IS A.C. Slater

Reggie is somehow Archie’s worst enemy but also one of his best friends, is constantly in pursuit of Archie’s gal pal Veronica, is a jock, and has the character flaw of being conceited. Slater is somehow Zack’s worst enemy but also on of his best friends, is constantly in pursuit of Zack’s gal pal Kelly, is a jock, and has the character flaw of being misogynistic.

Betty Cooper IS Kelly Kapowski

Both are “All-American” girls, both are cheerleaders, both love the main character but occasionally date the enemy/friend character, and both used to make my heart beat a little faster. I may have grown out of my crush on Kelly, but that picture of Betty is still hot.

Mr Weatherbee IS Mr Belding

Pop Tate IS Max

Occasional love interest of Jughead’s Ethel IS occasional love interest of Screech’s Violet

You may have noticed a few main characters missing above. Saved By The Bell did venture out and have 3 main female characters instead of simply 2. All they really did was take Veronica Lodge and break her in to two separate characters.

Veronica Lodge IS Lisa Turtle/Jessie Spano

• Veronica attractive but not as attractive as Betty. Lisa and Jessie were pretty but not as pretty as Kelly.
• Veronica had the character flaw of being prideful of her money, Lisa had the character flaw of being materialistic, and Jessie had the character flaw of being awkwardly feminist and of getting addicted to caffeine pills.
• Veronica is one of the least liked characters from Archie comics, Jessie is one the least likeable characters on SBTB, and Lisa is one of the most forgettable characters on SBTB.

So, there is my argument. Dispute it if you must, but no one will dispute that Betty is one hot piece of cartoon booty.

Dear wife, If my attraction to a cartoon character in anyway offends you I completely apologize. On a completely unrelated note, we should totally go as Archie and Betty to Halloween this year. Love, Your Husband

The Most Hated Creatures on Earth

The other day I was contemplating what my 3 most hated animals in the world are. Hey, I have a lot of time to think while I feed my baby, don't question me on how I spend that time! After much thought my list came down to 1. Sharks 2. Alligators 3. Sharks

Basically I am really fearful of things that can attack me from underneath while I am swimming. Yes I know that sharks are on my list twice, but dangit, they are super scary! And yes, I know that crocodiles are more deadly than alligators but I've never seen a wild crocodile and I've seen lots of wild alligators so alligators win based on proximity to my home. I mean Haqqani (the terrorist) is a pretty scary dude but he lives in the middle east, so I am generally more scared of the guy in my neighborhood who never returns smiles.

My list has another thing in common other than all being underwater and that is that they can and do kill humans. Death should pretty much be a precursor for hating an animal in my opinion. Little yapping dogs are annoying but not deadly, while St. Bernards are awesome looking but one poke away from killing you. So, while we would all say we hate Shitzus more than we hate St. Bernards we are stupid for thinking that way.

My point is, the most common animal you will find on a list of Most Hated Animals is the cockroach. I get it, cockroaches aren't my favorite either but we need to break down the reasons we hate them to get to the truth of if they should be on the list. I believe the main reasons we say we hate cockroaches is they are difficult to kill, they are dirty, and sometimes they really freak us out with flight.

Difficult to Kill
One, if they ever make a movie about me that is what I want it to be called. Brandon Jones: Difficult to Kill. Being hard to kill isn't really a legit reason to hate something. Quick list of things that are hard to kill that we view as awesome for being difficult to kill.


There really is no cooler club than the club consisting of an angry grizzly bear, non Brandon Routh Superman, and a dude that survived 9 gun shots. Why would we hate the cock roach for being part of this list? When a cockroach comes running into the room we should really bow before it and ask if there is anything he needs us to get him to be more comfortable.

Dirty
This one makes sense on the surface. Roaches are dirty and they poop in your home and their poop.


You know what that is? It's something we allow to sit on our couches, to lay on our carpets, and to wallow in our beds. It is a dog's butt.

And, a litter box. We literally train cats to poop in our home. Whichever room has this litter box reeks of cat poo.

So, we don't actually hate roaches because they are dirty. They just aren't the cute and cuddly form of dirty that we prefer. If you take two pillows, one a cockroach walked across and the other a dog rubbed it's butt on I can assure you the first one is cleaner. If you take two rooms and one has a piece of roach poop in and the other has a piece of cat poop I again can assure you that the first room is cleaner. But, cats and dogs are furry and don't know how to walk to swell when they are first born so we overlook their nastiness.

Flight
This comes down to jealousy. Flight is awesome. We can't do it. We suck, roaches rule. We love flight, just look at the list of movies that grossed over 1 billion worldwide.

1. Avatar - Humans are defeated by Na'vi which fly around on Skittle Dragons.

2. Titanic - Has no flight. Explains why most people claim to hate this movie but secretly love it.

3. LOTR: Return of the King - A flippin' giant eagle saves the day.

4. Pirate's of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - I hate this movie and have no idea if anything
flew in it. I don't think anything did and that is probably why I hate it.

5. Toy Story 3 - Buzz has wings.

6. Alice in Wonderland - Jabberwocky

7. The Dark Knight - The whole premise is a man fighting crime without special powers. He is trying to prove that we don't need flight to be awesome. It makes us feel better about ourselves.

Why We Really Hate Roaches
So, we don't actually hate roaches because they are are hard to kill, are dirty, or because they can fly. Then why do we hate these little bugs? Let me illustrate. It is late at night, you wake up and realize you need a cup of water. You stagger into the kitchen, fumble for the lights, and suddenly see a cock roach scamper for the closest hiding place. He books it straight for a hole or crevice so you can't kill him.

Who in our life acts like this? Who hangs out in places they aren't welcome, relieves themselves in public places, eats food that was dropped on the floor, only comes out at night, and runs away when you see them? Only the craziest of the crazy homeless people. Most people try and have sympathy for the homeless. They either feel called to by religious duty or by liberal guilt. But, both of those typically only go so far. We love the homeless people who lost their jobs and have families and are just looking for a little help, we love the homeless war vets, and we even love the homeless guys that hold up quirky signs.













But, only the kindest people in the world can deal with the crazy crackhead homeless people. And this is exactly what roaches are like. They come in our homes uninvited, they poop on the floor, they eat our food, they walk around at night, and they immediately run away when you see them. *

So, I have no problem with our hatred of roaches. I just think we should hate them for the right reasons. They aren't that dirty, they aren't that unkillable, and they can't even fly that well.

What they are though is the sketchy, crackhead of the insect world and that is reason enough to hate them.

*Please know that I am not saying crackhead homeless people are roaches, I am just saying roaches act similar to crackheads. I eat honey, but that doesn't make me a bee.